!!!!!!!FREE AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!
Sick. Sick. Sick. The people who dreamt up the Bar are sick. But hey, if I want to play their game I have to play by their rules. All that said--Day One went well. Wrote for about seven straight hours. something like 60,000 characters. That's about 25 pages. Single Spaced. Got about three or four hours of sleep. Went to bed at eleven. Didn't sleep until 1. Woke up, fully awake, at four, mind spinning about torts and blogacre and inchoate crimes and evidentiary privileges and procedural vs. substantive warfares between rendering and reviewing states. I made so much room in my brain for this thing, that when I went to a wedding reception last week, I started forgetting names of good friends. I had to think about the bride's name. Hard. Sorry, Marisa! It's been a long road... So close... so so so so close. I hope this is coherent. It's about as close to drunk as i get. i love you all!
I think I have developed a man-crush on Craig Ferguson. Not only is he a bleeding-heart Naturalized American (he celebrated his nationalization on his late-night talk show), but he brings an air of intelligence and wit to late-night comedy that has been conspicuously absent since Carson stepped down. For example: the deification of the Young and the Stupid. Go ahead. Watch and let me know what you think. For me, Ferguson's got a great point: what do we value more than youth and exuberance? What do we value less than experience (read: "old") and stability (read: "boring")? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Eric Boyd Vogeler 123 Mysteria Lane Salt Lake City, UT 84111 (801) 555-7445 firstname.lastname@example.orgObjective Sing my heart out, serve delicious food and bring joy and happiness to the World Education Master of Entertainment, December 1982 to present The School of Hard Knocks, The Universe I live in Juris Doctor, J. Reuben Clark School of Law, April 2009 Brigham Young University, Provo, Utah Thesis: “The Hilarity of Law; or Why Lawyers Commit Suicide” MC: “The Opening Social” August, 2007 “The Halloween Social” October, 2008 “The Awards Banquet March, 2009 Singer: “The Italian Birthday Singer” December, 2006 “The Phantom Skit” March, 2007 “The Pained Face Guy” March, 2009 “The Talent Show Guitar Guy” March, 2007 & 2008 Bachelor of Useless, Yet Interesting, Information, May 2006 University of Utah, Salt Lake City, Utah Fluent in Spanish, Portuguese, Witty Banter, Food Ordering, Mixylodian and Diatonic Scales Experience Musicals Performed as Tommy Albright in East High School’s production of Brigadoon, November, 2001 to rave reviews from at least three, non-familial, non-obligatorily attending audience members Delighted audiences by splitting pants and acting hysterical as “The Mayor” in Clayton Middle School’s production of Bye, Bye, Birdie!, November 1996 Restauranting Extensive experience ordering, sampling, and recommending food to those who really don’t care what I think, and probably aren’t listening to me anyway Singing Sang, warbled, and delighted my way through choir training at the instruction of Dr. John Cooksey, University of Utah, 2001-2005 Awards and Interest #1 First-Born Son, awarded continually by Marcia Vogeler, Dec. 15, 1982 to present Most...Interesting...Stage Kiss, Brigadoon, East High School 2000 Best Non-Singing Waiter Birthday Song Singer, Geneva’s Birthday Party Participants (simple majority vote), Macaroni Grill, December 2006 Favorite Law Student Voice (Male) Class of 2009, as presented by Marie Davies
Like many resumes, mine reads as excitingly as a Congressional Bill, and looks just as tired. In my vain attempts to find work in this
woeful awful icky economy, I have realized that I stand in an interesting, yet frustrating situation:
I am somewhat overqualified for many jobs and sickeningly under-qualified for the rest.
The only solution I can think of? Grab the nearest piece of corrugated cardboard, sweep up a sharpie with which to write "Will File Motions for Food at Swanky Restaurants," and stand at the corner of State and South Temple during the daytime hours.
Or...in the alternative, I suppose I could make my resume accurately reflect what the jobs require, not necessarily who and what I am.
With that in mind, I'm going to publish a series of alternative resumes that should go along with a slew of careers that I either find myself over- or under-qualified for.
As any newly minted bachelor degree holder can tell you, resumes should have an objective at the top. Here's my objective: through this series, I hope to be able to discover for myself how exactly I can remedy that situation and give myself a shot at the glamour, the prestige, the money, and, in the end, the job.
Yeah, I would still like a job. But if you happen to laugh along the way, AWESOME.
So, here's how it's gonna work:
(1) I will attempt to stick with what I actually HAVE in my resume repertoire. Including:
- work experience
- volunteer experience, etc.
- Standard college/work BS we all include (emphases, honors, etc.)
It's time for my bi-yearly, local sports rant. PEDs Is anyone in the nation still unaware of what Performance Enhancing Drugs are? Are we all clear that they are a form of cheating? Are high school, college, and professional athletes desperate to get a step ahead, or are they just stupid? Recently, Manny Ramirez, arguably one of the best right-handed hitters ever, certainly of his generation, was suspended for 50 games for testing positive for a drug that only has two uses: (1) feminine pregnancy issues and (2) coming down from anabolic steroids. Wanna guess which one Manny was using it for? Sad. Way to crap on your legacy, Manny. Now I'm waiting for the list of local high school athletes to come out declaring them ineligible for PED use. What ever happened to playing for love of the game? BCS If you've been hiding under a rock, you wouldn't realize that the Senate recently held hearings on whether the Bowl Championship Series violates Federal Law in the form of the Sherman Antitrust Act. The thrust of the Act is to prevent monopolies from forming and businesses from engaging in anti-competition agreements (conspiring to fix prices, exclude future/potential competitors, etc.). There's enough to this that even the Wall Street Journal has picked up on it and questions whether the BCS is a legitimate operation or a pseudo-academic racket. For me, the issue at hand can be boiled down to one simple example of unfairness (the very type of example the Sherman act was intended to forbid and prevent): The Washington Huskies Football team, owners of the worst record in college football last year at 0-12 (with an ignominious loss to the BYU Cougars because of a last-second blocked extra point), made more money from the BCS than any teams outside of the Automatic Qualifying Conferences, including the recently hapless Fightin' Irish of Notre Dame. That includes The University of Utah Runnin' Utes, who not only went to a BCS Bowl Game, the Sugar, they beat their opponent, the oft-#1-ranked Alabama, handily. The game wasn't even close. Yet, for being the only undefeated team at the end of the season, the Utes not only received less money than the Huskies, they didn't even get to play for a championship. Something stinks in Indianapolis... Carlos Boozer That's a picture of Carlos Boozer playing typical defense. Recently, Carlos had the option to leave Utah and pursue "more lucrative" pastures. Not surprisingly, no one wanted to pay the narcissistic, crunch-time folding, bull fighter defending, turnover maestro more than the 12.5 million dollars he stands to make next year in a Jazz uniform. HEY!!! Carlos! Play some defense, and maybe we can win! You're generally the biggest, strongest guy on the court. Heck, you grew up in Alaska! Can't you just, you know, man up a little bit and earn the $30,000 dollars per hour that you're paid? Did I just write $30,000 an hour? Excuse me. I have to go vomit. ...and finally, a ray of sunshine: US Soccer I realize this isn't necessarily local sports news, but man, how cool was the Confederations Cup for US Soccer fans?! Even though I'm generally pretty ambivalent about soccer, especially in the U.S. Professional League--MLS, I ADORE international soccer matches, especially when they concern my teams: The United States, England, Norway, and Brasil. How cool was it then for the US to scoot out of the qualifying round (after losing twice and then getting in solely because they beat Egypt 3-0 and Brasil beat Italy 3-0 (nothing else would have let them in)) and then beat #1 ranked Spain 2-0 to reach the finals?! Very. Extremely. Sublimely. But then, to cap it all off, the Yanks had to go and blow a 2-0 lead to Brasil in the final. Moral victory? I guess. But man, how long can we ride on moral victories?
Well, here are the results of the recent Pixar Poll I had up for the last two weeks. Seems like people have their favorites and their not-so-favorites: 1. WALL*E With 21 votes (and a resounding 43% of the vote), WALL*E crushed the competition like so much Earth trash in his mini compacting system. Seems like the wacko liberal earth love agenda didn't scare many people off from the beauty and spectacle of this film. Way to go, everybody! 2. Monsters, Inc. With 13 votes (27% of the vote), Monsters, Inc. screamed past nearly everyone but WALL*E. This came as a pleasant surprise for me, especially as Monsters, Inc. was one of the "older" Pixar films. Just goes to show that graphics, color, and pizzazz can't outdo a good story and good characters. 3. Finding Nemo 11 votes ties Nemo with The Incredibles. This is one of the most beautifully rendered, fully realized movies I've ever seen. It's just a joy to watch. And Duuuuuuuuuuuuude, if there aren't some memorable characters in this one. 3. The Incredibles (Tie with Finding Nemo). Superheroes. That's enough for me to love almost any film (except for X-Men 3 and Catwoman...blech). Needless to say, this might be the best superhero movie ever made. But that would be handicapping this action-packed, emotionally honest, and brilliantly paced flick. Sometimes I wonder if I should put this on top of my personal list... 5. Ratatouille Tres Magnifique. Food doesn't even look this good on Iron Chef. Seriously. 5. Up Well chosen people. I was just delighted with this one. And rounding out the final spots: 7. Toy Story 8. Toy Story 2 9. A Bug's Life 10. Cars
Happy Independence Day! I thought I'd share this with everyone. Below is a story on Michael Goldsmith, one of the great professors of law that this nation has been blessed with. A few years ago, Professor Goldsmith was diagnosed with ALS--more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's Disease, named for the famous baseball player who wore the pinstripes of the New York Yankees before being forced out of baseball as the disease began to ravage his body. I can't express how much I adore Professor Goldsmith, and how proud I am to have learned at his feet and watched him take this cause from a small seed of an idea to its culmination today. Please check out the MLB's new website dedicated to ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) here. And PLEASE watch the video below. It will explain everything. Professor Goldsmith threw out the first pitch at the Yankees game today, July 4, 2009. The NYT did a fabulous piece on the event, here. It's the first time in my life I can honestly say I was a Yankee at heart. Professor Goldsmith, you are one of the greatest teachers I've ever had. Thank you for teaching me to be a "Can Do Person." I'll never be able to fully repay the favor, but I'll do my best to live up to your expectations. UPDATE: Here's an alternate version of the piece that appeared on the NBC Nightly News on July 4, 2009.
Fed up with your cushy desk job, 40 hour work weeks, health and dental plans, and 401(k)s? Disgruntled Attorneys, lend me your ears! Over-educated Doctors, give heed! Stay-at-home moms, listen up! Little neighborhood kids who sell painted rocks on the corner, come hither... Sick of managing your own Multi-Level Marketing Scheme? Depressed with the duldrums of a full-time career and an honest day's work? Think you could do better in your jammies in front of your enormous home computer monitor? Well, here's your chance!!! Don't miss out on your opportunity to enroll in "ERIC VOGELER'S REVOLUTIONARY DOLLARS A MONTH FOR LITTLE OR NO WORK, I PROMISE IT WILL WORK, IT ALREADY WORKED FOR ME AND MANY, MANY OTHERS JUST SEND ME YOUR MONEY" program. With just a click of a few buttons, you too can sign up for Google's AdSense and make up to (and maybe even more than) $4.41 a month. I'll teach you how! Just forward me one low payment of $35.00--cash or money order only--and I will send you the secret to making this supplemental (and maybe even career-ending) monthly income, courtesy of Google and its advertising partners. How did I go from making a depressing dollars-an-hour income to this incredible dollars-a-month figure? Where did I get the gumption, the drive, the moxy to pull off this unbelievable, life-changing venture? Easy. Just point, click, and some other little variables that I'm happy to share with you at your expense, you too can enjoy the easy life that I am sure is about to come my way. It's fantastic, it's simple, and most importantly, it has bought me a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, two fries, and a Jr. Frosty. In one month! What other program can guarantee that?! Answer: None. So come on in, my friends. The water, and the money, is fine. Just look at the people who have already tried it!