Nephi's "The Wilderness"

I'm dropping out of Law School to jump into the movie business. After discovering the LDS Church's film studio across the street from my apartment--2230 N, about 300 W, Provo, UT, 84604--and seeing billboards advertising the latest, greatest Mormon Movie "Return with Honor," (whose sequels "Remember Who You Are" and "Choose the Right" are already in pre-production) I've been inspired to make my own LDS-themed flick: Nephi's "The Wilderness." To you skeptics out there who might be complaining "Ah! Not another crappy Mormon Movie! When will they stop?!" this one will be different. This one will have heart. This one will have a brain. This one will have GGGGrrrrrrr....COURAGE! (Not to mention a whole lot of Special FX and potty humor.) I know that Larry H. Miller already attempted a big-screen adaptation of The Book of Mormon, but I'm convinced that this one can work. You see, I'm going to employ what I've coined the Transformer's Paradigm--hot babe, irreverent humor, and giant robots. That's a recipe for awesome! So, in my movie, instead of an accurate reproduction of Nephi and Co.'s journeys through the wilderness of the Arabian Peninsula, I'm going to employ some of those same tried and true Hollywood fixes found in the Transformers Paradigm: ramp up the semite sexiness, infuse it with inside and scatological humor, and include either Godzilla or Gary Coleman in it at some point. GIRL FACTOR One of the weaknesses of Larry H.'s film was the lack of any truly strong (read incredily skinny, anatomically impossible, scantilly clad) women. I figure we cast either Angelina Jolie or Pamela Anderson as Sarah or Nephi's never-named wife, and let the possibilites flow from there. Other potential candidates include Scarlett Johansson and the latest film floozy of the week. (Let it be known now that I love Scarlett Johansson as much as any man who has never been introduced to a woman but watched her a lot can...in a totally non-stalker-esque way). As for the presence of latex and guns in the film...I'm still torn between setting the movie in the future or in the past. Just for the latex, we might have to go to a futuristic reinterpretation of the story.

GUY FACTOR

We're totally casting King Leonidas from Lionsgate's production of 300 as Nephi. Not only is this casting choice for the ladies, it's so I can fit in the following dialogue:

Nephi (insanely muscular and oily, wearing only loincloth and headband)to Laban: "YOU COME INTO MY HOME, THREATEN MY BROTHERS AND ME, AND SPEAK OF TAKING ONLY OUR GOLD AND SILVER...DON'T PRESUME IN MY PRESENCE, LABAN!"

Laban (responding to Nephi's thinly veiled threat): "What you say is blasphemy...this is madness, Nephi!"

Nephi: "madness?...MADNESS?!....THIS...IS...THE WILDERNESS!!!" (After which Nephi...ahem...disposes of Laban)

POTTY HUMOR!

Every good Mormon Movie needs potty humor. Certain situations and people just lend themselves to these kinds of things. Lord of the Rings had the half-drunk dwarf Gimli burp and fart his way across Middle Earth. Star Wars had the eminently stupid Jar-Jar Binks do whatever he did in those movies. Transformers had a robot-car discharge "lubricant" on a guy (get it?!). Well, I don't want to give away too much of the fun here. So all I'm going to say is "Lehi dwelt in a tent." Amen!

I can see the reviews flowing in already...so in an effort to help the critics know what to write in order to get them some good commercial tag-lines, I've written some of my own:

"A harrowing adventure full of meaning and goodness, sure to delight and enthrall."

"Hunting, bond-breaking, sailing, clue-following: this is National Treasure on spiritual steroids!"

"Watching Lehi dwell in a tent felt like a sacro-sanct mixture of Chariots of Fire and 2001: A Space Odyssey...don't ask me why, it just did." "The best Mormon Movie to come out today! Honest." "See Nephi go and do...again and again and again!"

People, listen to me on this one. This is a can't miss opportunity. If Churchball, Charli, and Singles Ward haven't laid down a solid foundation upon which I can build, nothing can. I know I said that the Moustache Revolution was probably the most important thing I'd ever done. I was wrong. This is, by far. So, look for Nephi's "The Wilderness" this Fall in theaters all across the Wasatch Front!!!