We're totally casting King Leonidas from Lionsgate's production of 300 as Nephi. Not only is this casting choice for the ladies, it's so I can fit in the following dialogue:
Nephi (insanely muscular and oily, wearing only loincloth and headband)to Laban: "YOU COME INTO MY HOME, THREATEN MY BROTHERS AND ME, AND SPEAK OF TAKING ONLY OUR GOLD AND SILVER...DON'T PRESUME IN MY PRESENCE, LABAN!"
Laban (responding to Nephi's thinly veiled threat): "What you say is blasphemy...this is madness, Nephi!"
Nephi: "madness?...MADNESS?!....THIS...IS...THE WILDERNESS!!!" (After which Nephi...ahem...disposes of Laban)
Every good Mormon Movie needs potty humor. Certain situations and people just lend themselves to these kinds of things. Lord of the Rings had the half-drunk dwarf Gimli burp and fart his way across Middle Earth. Star Wars had the eminently stupid Jar-Jar Binks do whatever he did in those movies. Transformers had a robot-car discharge "lubricant" on a guy (get it?!). Well, I don't want to give away too much of the fun here. So all I'm going to say is "Lehi dwelt in a tent." Amen!
I can see the reviews flowing in already...so in an effort to help the critics know what to write in order to get them some good commercial tag-lines, I've written some of my own:
"A harrowing adventure full of meaning and goodness, sure to delight and enthrall."
"Hunting, bond-breaking, sailing, clue-following: this is National Treasure on spiritual steroids!"
"Watching Lehi dwell in a tent felt like a sacro-sanct mixture of Chariots of Fire and 2001: A Space Odyssey...don't ask me why, it just did." "The best Mormon Movie to come out today! Honest." "See Nephi go and do...again and again and again!"People, listen to me on this one. This is a can't miss opportunity. If Churchball, Charli, and Singles Ward haven't laid down a solid foundation upon which I can build, nothing can. I know I said that the Moustache Revolution was probably the most important thing I'd ever done. I was wrong. This is, by far. So, look for Nephi's "The Wilderness" this Fall in theaters all across the Wasatch Front!!!