Day 14

Well, my initial goal of writing every day was dashed this week. I had to write a paper this week about the nature and the function of the judicial oath in America from 1820-1840. Believe me, it's not even close to being as exciting as it sounds. Anyway, I've been thinking this week about what unique characteristics set Provo apart from, oh, say every other city in the world. I've come up with a preliminary list of 10, and they can all be observed at a BYU football game. Enjoy, if you will, a bit of my life: 1. People sing Primary songs when they are happy and hum hymns when they are feeling tempted to do wrong (it could be sexual, or in most cases, it could have something to do with traffic). It's very Pleasantville-esque. Or maybe Stepford Wives would be better. Either way, I still contend that "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree" has no place at a football stadium, even when we're winning the game. Period. True-life example--walking out of the law school and into the parking lot after an incredibly long day of studying and feeling inadequate, I heard someone humming "Come, Come, Ye Saints." All I could think of for the rest of the afternoon was the line "And should we die before our labor's through--HAPPY DAY! All is well." And for the first time in my life, I completely agreed with the song. How sad is that? Not as sad as... 2. Forget the evils of drinking and driving--caffeinated beverages while on a walk incite a peculiar suspicion in people. Try walking on BYU campus with a can of Coca-Cola and see what kind of looks you get. Better yet, try getting a caffeinated drink at LaVell Edwards Stadium. The funny thing is, Red Bull (which I'm pretty sure contributed to the deaths of at least 323 kids who suffered with ADHD last year) doesn't have that kind of stigma attached to it. Weird... 3. "Teamwork be damned! I have to look good." After months of lobbying by the players, coaches, and administration for the student body to wear blue to the BYU home opener, about half the student body couldn't figure out that white is not a shade of blue. I kid you not, I heard "I look, like, waaaaaaaaaay better in, like, white" like nine times. But who's counting? 4. Provo High is the greatest high school in Utah. Provo is the greatest city this side of the Mississippi. Utah County is the greatest county this side of the Mississippi. BYU is the greatest university this side of the Mississippi. Also, did you know that Mitt Romney is a BYU fan? Gordon B. Hinckley is a BYU fan. Brigham Young declared the University a Holy School as his first official act in Utah. BYU is life--the rest is just details. 5. The Honor Code. You all know my feelings on this thing. Let's just stop the pretense about this being a set of principles we agree to abide by in a Spiritual sense. They're rules that we follow because we signed a binding contract to do so. I can't tell you how many students here tell me that the Honor Code is a covenant we make with God. That requires no more commentary.6. Anyone who didn't attend BYU didn't go there because they couldn't get in. Didn't want to go there? No sirreee...you are obviously just bitter because you didn't get accepted by the Holy School founded and built personally by Brigham Young. Yale grad? But why?! 7. The tree-lined canyons are gorgeous this time of year. (Had to throw that one in here). 8. However, the parking lots are not quite as lovely. People can be really mean to each other when it comes to parking, but so nice when it comes to walking. Want to enter a building? Someone will inevitably hold a door for you. Someone drop some books? Watch five students pounce on them like a pack of wolves to be the first to help. But trying to find a parking spot? Burn in hell, grandma! Why does so much of the stress of our lives have a root in traffic? I should start walking to school.

9. Diego's Taco Shop. It almost makes up for number 2. Almost.

10. As my good friend Andrew pointed out recently, Provo is a lot like the Heart of Darkness. Only a bit more posh and much, much scarier. If Conrad had only ever visited this place... he would have written "Popcorn Popping--A Tragedy."