And this is my companion, Elder Smi...hey! ELDER!!! Put your shirt back on!

Have you heard about the latest Christmas Calendar to hit the stores? It's called "Mormons Exposed" and ladies, are you in for a treat! (Really, I'm not making this up. Go visit http://www.mormonsexposed.com/). This uplifting stocking stuffer is sure to make you sweat like Samson after a bad haircut!
Thought your missionary was spiritually smokin' when he got home and asked you over to read scriptures? Well, now you get to see the sexy side of spirituality. These lads didn't just return with honor--they returned fully stacked and ready to steam up your personal study time.
Not since the free days of Adam and Eve in the garden has a group been so comfortable in their own nudity. Finally, after millenia of wandering around far too fully-clothed in public, Christianity has come full-circle via Mormonism. Why is it only now, after many millenia, that we're finally tapping into this fount of many blessings? Imagine if the world had been treated to "Mighty Moses and his Ten Command-months" Calendar?! Now multiply that by 40 years in the wilderness, and the mighty prophet would have given Fabio a run for the beefcake longevity award. "Elijah and His Fiery Chariot" anyone? Enough said. If they could have only convinced Paul to do a spread like this after one of his many missions. The Romans, the Gallatians, and even the Hebrews were probably dying for a little apostolic skin during the rough first years of Christianity. Had they put Paul on the same layout together with Timothy or Titus, we would have had the highest grossing papyri document ever! And don't even get me started on the unfortunately forgotten "Joseph and the Smith Brothers."
That's right. Just when you thought that Mormon culture couldn't spin out another hypocritical, poorly produced, and fairly insulting thing, here comes the Missionary of the Month calendar. I find it somewhat funny that under their "purpose" for putting this calendar together, the maker of this calendar proudly points out that "Each of the twelve missionaries will have the opportunity to donate a portion of the proceeds from the sale of the calendar to a cause in the area he served."
Now, I don't know about you, but I would put any funds raised by this calendar somewhere between blood money and priestcrafts. Pretty sure these guys don't care too much about what deserving international charity they can help, unless that charity involves hot girls, the back seat of a '47 Chevy, or the bevy of poor Chinese kids slaving away to produce the quantity of hair gel necessary to keep their respective games on.
Also, in my experience, most international missionaries nearly die while they're out serving, whether from intestinal infestations or sheer exhaustion. If you want a real look at a hard-working, dedicated missionary, take a picture of yourself in the mirror at 3:30 am after 10 hours in the sun, a three-round bout with the toilet, and a shirt and tie on.
I wonder what the mothers must think. I think Isaiah probably said it best when he said "How beautiful upon the mountains are the bodies of those who proclaim glad tidings..."
Or was that feet? Well, either way, these guys are certainly bearing...hmmm, it's not testimony...but something. Something special.


Andrew McKnight said...

Wow! I can just hear these guys: "No, we don't look at pornography, we just make it." "My Nephi pecs, Ammon arms, and Moroni shoulders are so big I will never lose my grip on Babylon." "I'll take you to the temple just as soon as find my shirt." Great post.

EBV said...

Better Comment. As always, my friend, I bow to your wit.

Patten said...

Oh wow.

This is awesome.

I went to the website and read the question and answer section, if you haven't done so I highly suggest it, and this has to be my favorite...

Q: Who are the twelve missionaries featured in the calendar?

A: The twelve former missionaries who "bare their testimony" on the pages of the Men on a Mission calendar were hand-selected for their striking good looks and powerful spiritual devotion. They are men who were comfortable enough in their own beliefs, and independent and brave enough to take a stand for what they believe in regardless of what others may think. By slightly stepping away from the Mormon traditions of modest dress, these missionaries show the world they can have a strong faith and be proud of who they are, both with a sense of individualism and a sense humor at the same time.

Can't you just FEEL that POWERFUL spiritual devotion?

I hope President Hinckley comments on this calendar, I know he won't, in a similar fashion to his rave comments a few years back.



Barb said...

So funny and so bizarre! I especially like how some of them are pulling down their waistbands ever so slightly, revealing a flash of underwear (garments? Hard to say!)

I just had to laugh at the foolish pretenses used to justify exploiting their missionary service (Beefcakes Give Back!!)

annie said...

YOu have done it again! I am here at my apartment laughing out loud even though I am the only one home. Oh how your post make my day. Jeff showed me these men of great faith...or was it men with great figures? Either way this concept of raising money is beyond me!

Eric, Emilee, MaryElizabeth, Clara, and Andrew. said...

Honestly Eric, I was so disgusted I had to email them..Wow, watch out, I am afraid that we are going to burn!

Whitty Lin said...

Wow. I pulled up that website at work. Not a good idea. Luckily I minimized it just in time as some possible models for the 2010 calendar came up to my desk.