7.22.2008

Five Things I've Learned From Mommy Bloggers

1. Smiling is an inconceivably cute miracle of life; passing gas is even cuter; pooping is the cutest. 2. If you tell people your life is fun enough, it will truly be fun. Serious fun. Great fun. Happy fun. Funny fun. Fun fun. If you're not happy or not having fun, there is something seriously wrong with you, because you should always be having fun. Serious. 3. Young Adult Romance Novels (Twilight, DUH!) Are The Epitome Of High Quality Fiction And Should Be Required Reading For Every Self-Respecting Woman Ever Because Edward Is So Hot And Every Guy Should Be Like That Even Though We Know That No Guy Should REALLY Be Like That But Oh My Gosh He Just Gives Me Tingles Even Though He Simultaneously Scares Me, But I Like That He Simultaneously Scares Me, So I'm Going To Keep Reading About It Even Though I Know It's Trashy, But I Try To Convince Myself And Everyone Around Me That It REALLY TRULY IS Quality Fiction, Because If Enough People Believe In It And Scream About It, It MUST Be Good And If It's Good According To Everyone Else, Well Then I'm Justified And Actually To Be Celebrated For My Choice In High Literature. *Breathe* 4. No one's babies are cuter than Mommy Blogger babies. Don't even try, or they will come after you with a wicked sharp comment on your own blog. Be ready, less cute Mommy Blogger baby! You're next... 5. Perfect Husbands are a dime a dozen. Every single Mommy Blogger has found herself one. They cook, they clean, they work hard, they crochet, they massage their wives' feet, they sculpt full body statues of their wives (who have perfect bodies), they even take out the garbage with a certain panache that drives Mommy Bloggers wild. These guys are so perfect, they must be cute when they pass gas, too.

12 comments:

Jerkolas said...

Oh EBV, I could listen to you rag on Twilight all day. Curse that Edward and is dashing good looks and rebellious, outsider attitude. My brother made this observation about him "I am guessing what they say they like about him is that he is so considerate and is not a sex fiend. That's me! That's you! That's your whole ward! Ah, but what they really like is that he is super hunky and doesn't wear a shirt all the time."

Up next you should do the "newly married mormons, but no kids yet" blogs.

Nat said...

You HAVE to read seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com = comedic goldmine.

gurrbonzo said...

Haha! Was this post inspired by Seriously, so blessed?!

The embarrassing this is that now that I have a kid, I really DO think all those things about her. CUTEST EVER! Mine mine mine!

Barb @ getupandplay said...

Hee hee. Oh, Twilight. It is so silly, isn't it?

And I swear, a lot of mommy bloggers keep up the chipper, happy, perfect, fun facade to fool themselves as much as anyone else. They don't want to think about the hard stuff, so they don't.

Mel said...

Twilight- yes- she is a HORRIBLE writer who happened to luck out with an idea for a story that people [like me] want to hear. I can only hope to be as unjustifiably successful one day.

I am there with Barb on us mommy bloggers deceiving ourselves. Deny, deny, deny. What you don't see are the late nights where the kid wakes up at 2:30 am and she is whispering in his ear, "you've ruined my life". Not that I know anything about that...

And regarding #5, see #2.

Steve, Liz, Jaxon and Peyton said...

Ha Ha very funny! I love it!

Shelly! said...

So glad you read our blog! I always love hearing about how our family has helped all the poor single, childless souls out there.

Cotter said...

you crack me up. i would like to take this opportunity to thank you for making my mommy blog possible.

Kenneth said...

Sour grapes much? d^_~b You're clearly just annoyed that you haven't found a perfect husband yet.

Incidentally, you should come talk to me about those vampire books (and the author of said books) sometime. Hopefully this time next year, you'll be complaining about my wife's books instead!

EBV said...

Kenny! Thanks for reading, brother. That darn elusive husband... :D

As to your wife--I had heard rumor that she won herself a book deal. Great news! Now please, just promise me that you won't let her submit any manuscripts without some careful proofing first!

We'll have to chat next month... and debate the actual damage Twilight has caused.

kew said...

My friend, it's 4:25pm central time on a Saturday and I am at work, typing furiously about the doctrine of spoliation and why opposing counsel sucks and should be beaten with sticks and fined within an inch of his life. Yet, through all of that, you have made me laugh.

Well done sir!!!!

Logan and Emily said...

wow...I think you just described my blog perfectly. how sad.