2.17.2008

Predictions

Last night, I woke up in the early morning hours with a burning hunger. I stumbled into the kitchen and, somehow through all the mental fog, I found the Kirkham's Trail Mix bag. I grabbed two handfuls of nuts, M&Ms, and raisins, and made my way back to bed. Climbing under the covers with most of my bounty stored carefully in either cheek, I remember forcing myself to stay awake and eat this stuff. Otherwise, I was going to make a mess and/or choke and die.

I don't know about you, but I do not want to choke to death on raisins. The fiber's just not worth it.

So with all that in mind, it's time for some political predictions and updates.

Most of my favorite muppet/politicians have been forced out of the race by now or have found themselves resurrected by the body politik. A quick rundown.

Pictured: Sen. Barack Obama (D) & Franklin Delano Bluth, Puppet
While I thought they had similar skin tones, I initially made the pairing for several reasons:
1. Wish they had “street cred”
2. Seem to have a magician's hand up...well, somewhere inside of them
3. Franklin Delano was named after a democratic president; Obama wants to be a democratic president; neither is appropriately realistic

FOLLOW UP: Obama, now the frontrunner in the Democratic race, and perhaps the frontrunner in the upcoming Presidential race, truly does have a magician's hand...well, let's just leave it at that. While he still doesn't really have any street cred or even true Washington cred, I predict that he's going to soon have Pennsylvania Ave cred. And at this point, that's just fine with me. We need someone to excite and engage America again. And, as insane as this may sound, I think he might have a chance at Utah. "Shhhhhhhh..." just let it sink in before you talk.

My one hope is that his candidacy and future presidency is not the kind of illusion that his Muppet counter-part would so enjoy.

Pictured: Rudy Giuliani (R) & Gollum, CGI Puppet
This one should be obvious:
1. Bald, squinty-eyed, violently confrontational, checkered relationship past
2. Both are so tricksy—I don’t know who I’d trust in the path of Kirith Ungol
3. Try to claim credit for things they didn’t do: Giuliani for cleaning up NY, Gollum for finding the ring; surprisingly, everyone seems to believe and pity them…until someone gets their finger bit off

FOLLOW UP: Should have been obvious to anyone that even watched "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy. Both Giuliani and Gollum had horrible strategies. One thought that waiting to win Florida would be a good idea. The other thought that waiting for Frodo to get to Mordor would be a good idea. Both went down in flames with a tragic little smile on their faces.

And the audiences both cheered.

Pictured: Sen. John Edwards (D) & Sen. John McCain (R)
What?! Where are the Puppet Counterparts? Hmmm….so many puns, so little space. It’s still an interesting comparison:
1. One looks too good to be true, the other sounds too good to be true
2. Both passionate about things they shouldn’t be—the rich one about poverty, the old, cold one about global warming
3. With their forces combined they are…..Al Gore.

FOLLOW UP: It turns out that one of these guys was genuinely nice and the other was a royal prick. One is now a lovable loser and the other is still a prick. I'll see myself practicing law in Canada before I vote for McCain. Both parties kissed as much butt as they possibly could in the past weeks; Edwards, looking for a veep nomination, and McCain to manipulate Huckabee into staying in the race to become a King Maker. While Edwards looked like the second coolest guy at the prom trying to vie for Prince of the Prom, McCain just looked like a crotchety old man trying to win as many votes as he can in order to steal one from Romney/Guy Smiley.

Ooooh, that McCain. If he lived in my neighborhood, we'd have referred to him as "Old Man McCain" and blown up his mailbox as often as possible. If he wins the whole thing, I'll bet he even sits on the White House porch with a shotgun, looking to clear away them pesky Dems with salt pellets. Look for a very strongly worded commentary when he chooses his VP.

Pictured: Sen. Fred Thompson (R) & Sam the Eagle, Muppet
I don’t even need to explain this one, but I will:
1. Official symbols of Law & Order
2. Bear a frightening resemblance to Richard Milhaus Nixon when on TV
3. Famous for saying “Why am I here?”—one at the Muppet Family Christmas, the other at the latest Republican Presidential Candidate Debate

FOLLOW UP: Sadly, Thompson has been replaced on Law & Order. Thankfully, he can now do what he truly wants: absolutely nothing.

Pictured: TV Personality Stephen Colbert (R/D) & Woody, Toy
The resemblance is striking, and their personal philosophies bear striking similarities; all in all, very striking:
1. You’ve got a friend in both of them
2. View life with the optimism born of truth, freedom, and the American way
3. Fictitious, funny, and a wee bit fruity

FOLLOW UP: Actually, I'm still really sad that Stephen didn't make it into the running. His fresh-faced optimism really had me emotionally invested. Too bad it was all a joke. And I mean a very real, very funny joke, not the unfortunate farce that CNN/FoxNews politics has become.

Pictured: Gov. Mitt Romney (R) & Guy Smiley, Muppet
Mostly, it’s the hair, the smile, the chin, the suits…OK, these guys could have grown up on the shores of lake Superior together!
1. Famous for hosting seminal American events—the Olympic Games and Sesame Street’s “Here is Your Life”
2. Appreciate the value of a power tie and a solid hair part
3. Skilled in their respective management areas—venture capitalism and muppetism

FOLLOW UP: Someday, people will realize that Romney may have been a great candidate to go into Washington and change things up. Just like they now recognize that Guy Smiley would have been a better "Muppet Show" host than Kermit the Frog. Sadly, both were willing to say or believe whatever was politically convenient at the time. That got Mitt labeled as a social issues Flip-Flopper and Guy as an overly exuberant Muppet personality; and unfortunately for them, it got them both relegated to second-class puppet. Although, I imagine Guy didn't spend 35 mil on his Muppet Show Host campaign.

Pictured: Sen. Hillary Clinton (D) & Ms. Piggy, Muppet
Perhaps the most obvious of all comparisons.
1. Sense of entitlement for being…piggish
2. Spotlight hog
3. Married to a slimy amphibian


FOLLOW UP: While the numbers remain close, Hillary has no momentum going into the rest of the DEM run. Amazingly, however, she still exudes a sense of entitlement and she remains married to a slimy amphibian. The only change in her status? That same slimy amphibian happens to have become the spotlight hog, to her detriment. If only Bill, like Kermit, ran around in the nude with a pig...oh, never mind.

Have a lovely week, all!

4 comments:

gurrbonzo said...

Canada is awesome! Also, President Bluth will do a rockin' job, and Guy Smiley freaks me out.

Kerianne said...

yeah great writer you are I arnt;

Missy Johnson said...

this is kind of amazing

SteveJJohnson said...

"If only Bill, like Kermit, ran around in the nude with a pig...oh, never mind."
Amen!