Post #99

Can't believe I'm nearing triple digits. I also can't believe that little Wells Nevada got hit by a 6.0 earthquake today. According to the local news reports, Utah's imminent death-by-earthquake can't be far behind. (On a really weird note, I couldn't sleep well last night due to a weird dream about Salt Lake City getting hit by an earthquake...cue Twilight Zone theme music. Ooh-eeee-oooh--oohhh).

There are two prevailing theories about why this happened. First, that tectonic shifting in the Earth's outer crust created megatons of intense pressure and tension that, when released, caused the surrounding area to shake. Second, and more popularly adopted by local media in order to drum up viewership: This is the FREAKING APOCALYPSE!!! AHHHHH!!!!

I, in my anthropomorphist ways, have a third theory: Mother Nature's a vindictive bizo. We mess with her, she messes back. It's global karma, baby! If I had to classify her, I'd say she's definitely a Red/Blue in the color code. That's problematic for the rest of us...

All kidding aside, here are some of the headlines and bylines I've seen in the local papers and on the local stations. To those outside of the Intermountain West...pray for us!

A Utah Valley-based publication issued the following alerts on its website

"Nevada Town in State of Emergency, Declares State's Governor"
On the homefront, Representative Chris Buttars (R) calls Utah effort to send aid to Wells a 'Fairly homely African American baby' and Promises 'Constitchency' (sic) that he'll fight the NAACP tooth and nail until the Federal Government recognizes the sovereign State of Deseret.

"Utah Valley Birthrates Skyrocket--When the Earth is a-Quakin'..."
Marriage experts in Utah Valley--commonly referred to as Bishoprics in the LDS community--fear that with the impending geological liquidation of the Wasatch Front due to the FREAKING APOCALYPSE, skyrocketing birthrates may no longer leave orbit. In related news, Utah Valley's male population has taken in a collective sigh of relief...scientists unsure whether said sigh may impact global warming.

"Nevada Punished for 'Not Executing at a Higher Level' Local Athlete Declares"
When confronted by local media for his insensitivity, BYU Football Player Austin Collie boldly defended his statement, noting that "If they did what was right on and off the state lines, magic would have happened. It obviously didn't happen in this instance."
When reminded that this was a real earthquake with real damage and real lives at stake, Collie backed off his statement. "Sorry. I didn't realize this wasn't a game, and therefore no higher bar for which the local athletes could have striven for. I feel for those affected by the lack of football in their lives" the wide receiver sympathized. In classic Collie style, however, the footballer finished his interview with gusto--"Maybe this is what Nevada gets for gambling. I mean what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, am I right?!"

"Honor Code 'Not Earthquake-Proof' BYU Professor Concedes"
When asked whether the Honor Code would protect those BYU students that 'abide by those principles,' BYU Professor Dwight D. Gooden of the University's Department of Honor Code Studies stated that "[The Honor Code], like most contracts and agreements, is just not 100% effective in preventing injury resulting from natural disasters and other force majeure types of situations. If the students would read their contract more carefully, they'd understand that." "Furthermore," opined the PhD in General Studies, "The Honor Code is more of a set of guidelines, really. I mean, when does modesty protect you from an earthquake?! I guess if it's a moral earthquake..."

Meanwhile, in response to Professor Gooden's apocryphal interpretation of the Honor Code, BYU students campus-wide flaunted their new-found Honor Freedom. Opened containers of Dr. Pepper, Short Shorts, and Bearded Faces dotted the landscape. One student was even seen holding a sign stating "What Would Bronco Do?"

When contacted for comment, BYU President Cecil B. Samuelsen's office was unreachable. President Samuelsen's voice-mail did state, however, that "In case of emergency, President Samuelsen can be found in the secret bomb-shelter below the Wilk."

Yeah, that's where I live alright. I wonder if you could calculate the epicentre of a moral earthquake?


gurrbonzo said...

Wait, you live in the secret bomb shelter below the wilk???

It's just me... said...

First of all, how awesome would it be to have the last name 'Gooden'. Ha!

Your posts always crack me up EBV. To the point where the stupid acronym ROFLMAO comes to mind.

Where on earth did you get those quotes? I just loved them! Especially the marriage experts (aka Mormon bishoprics).

And yes, Mother Earth has some magnificent karma a**-kicking.

Andrew McKnight said...

Nice. "The sovereign state of Deseret" comment about Senator Butterball nearly made me spit my drink all over my computer screen.

T&T Turner said...

you have a blog. go eric!

Mogan and Will said...

I must question the usage of a photograph of Dr. Madison Upshaw Sowell as opposed to a photo of Dr. Dwight Gooden.

Laura said...

I still love the Austin Collie comment . . .

Kari said...

And I still don't

Amy said...

I am starting a "ebv.blogspot.com" fan club here at my work, and your fans are requesting an appearance.

EBV said...

Amy--Tell them I am available for appearances upon request. However, I may require a speaking fee. What that fee is, of course, negotiable. I take cash, credit cards, certified checks, Cafe Rio gift certificates, hugs, or other services in kind. ;D

Seriously, any excuse to get out and interact with real live people is fee enough for me.

Summer said...

I'm curious why Dr. Sowell got the privilege of being on your blog...which is, as always, absolutely entertaining.