Top 10 of 2009

So, ten days have passed since this new year began, and I'm starting to feel a little nostalgic for January 1st. In honor of the year that was 2009, here is my Top 10 Countdown of the best moments of the best year ever. #10: Blagojevich Appointment Stonewalled If you couldn't pronounce this Illinois governor's name the first time round, pat yourself on the back. If you could have won his "for sale" Senate seat with enough scratch, raise your hand. If you wondered why Illinois governors have a better chance of ending up in prison than any other group in the United States, count yourself in good company. We were all in the same boat. #9: More Blogs are Born in Utah County Than Babies In the first days of 2009, more blogs were born than babies. This is due to the fact that most of Utah County's pregnant population was away at home for the holidays. Experts expect this phenomenon to be short-lived. #8: East High Alums Prominently Featured on Real World XXI 21 years after the first Real World debuted (can you believe it?!), two former "significant others" from East High School in Salt Lake City (my alma mater) are prominently featured on this reality show staple. Of course, producers are desperately looking for (or creating) their story angles-- Chet is already being painted as the closet gay Mormon. Nice. High School Musical, MTV, and even Night Court. We're taking the (entertainment) world by storm! East High, Bonzai!!! #7: Bowl Season Declared National Disaster by DC Officials Four teams claiming to be #1. One team goes undefeated and doesn't get a chance. In the midst of the maelstrom sources have revealed that former FEMA chief, Michael DeWayne Brown, helped head up the rescue effort of Div. I football in the late 90s and was influential in the creation of the BCS system. Surprise, surprise. #6: Ford Releases Updated "Model T" in Effort to Right Sinking Ship Attempting to restore its "home town image," Ford Motors, Inc. revealed plans to update the classic Model T automobile for consumers sometime in the first quarter of 2010. Nicknamed the "Tizzle," Ford's CEO lauded the move as "progressive regression... five steps backward in order to step forward." Suddenly, the Detroit bailout seems like a very bad idea... #5: The Big Palin Reveal After months of distancing herself from the sunken ship that became the McCain campaign and in an effort to recast her political image, Sarah Palin revealed that during the presidential election she in fact had been imitating Tina Fey. #4: Books Declared "Not Kewl" by Generation TXT; Linguistics Scholars Puzzle Over Meaning You know you received this mass text. Shakespeare himself would have agreed if he'd had word predictive text messaging. Admit it--you know he would. Just look how much better this excerpt from MacBeth's Act V, scene 5 monologue reads: 2morow, & 2morow, & 2morow, Creeps n this pety pace from dA 2 dA, 2 the last syllable of recorded tym; & all our ystrdys have lyted fools The w8 2 dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! #3: First American Woman Receives Face Transplant; in an Unrelated Story, Joan Rivers has Been Reported Missing by her Family No comment. #2: Utah Runnin' Utes go 13-0; Bronco Mendenhall admitted to reporters after the Utes' Sugar Bowl victory against Alabama that "[T]he wrong team embarked on the Quest for Perfection." Showing more emotion than usual, Mendenhall struggled to arch an eyebrow and declared that "Utah executed at a higher level than we did and deserved the title. That they did not win the championship goes to show the level of systemic bias inherent in the Bowl Championship Series. A bias that, unadressed, will continue to prevent us from meeting our stated goal of recognized perfection." As the press corps stifled collective yawns, Coach Mendenhall proceeded undeterred and seemingly finished off the crowd with this final gem: "While I'm proud of my team, I can't help but question the sustainability of our own success over the seasons while maintaining a self-executing momentum that our coaching staff has sought to instill in our program." #1: Economy 101 Becomes Fodder for Water Cooler Convos and Party Talk In a stunning move, Barack Obama awarded the United States general populace with Associate's Degrees in Economics. Finally liberated, the nation began to weigh in on complex economic matters with the same zeal Shamu used to go after his trainers. He missed the mark of course, coming so frustratingly close to catching a Lance or Stephen so many times. The same can be said of the nation's ability to make sense of the economy. Like Shamu's dorsal fin, the United States economy continues to sag badly. Here's hoping for a Free Willy-type ending to this whole snafu. Conclusion So, there it is. We'll miss you, first 10 days of 2009! Hope the next 10 are even better.* *Note: Some of these highlights may or may not have been hyperbolized or fictionalized for literary effect. Leave a comment if you're unsure which ones fall under that category.