Blago Balks at Bureaucratic Blitzkrieg

Rod Blagojevich just defended himself in a Senate Impeachment hearing. There's an old saying amongst lawyers--the attorney who defends himself has a fool for a client. Oh, Blago. How far you've fallen! IN OTHER (MORE FICTIONAL) NEWS, even bigger politicos have fallen on their aristocratic swords of late. See below. [AP]--In a marked show of bipartisanship, President Barack Obama announced today that his new press secretary would be none other than American Idol host Ryan Seacrest. The Republican party--angered by Obama's previous selection of "long-time lame duck" Robert Gibbs--had been lobbying the new president hard for the popular tween-age heartthrob. They got their wish in the early morning hours today. The move was met with excited yells, indeciferable hollering, and a mass of thousands of screaming women proudly holding signs proclaiming both Obama and Seacrest as the "real American idols" throughout the House today. Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell (R-Ky), calls the move "the greatest change we've seen yet in the Obama administration." Then, flipping his suit collar up, McConnell made exaggerated quotations symbols with his fingers and shouted "We're super excited about this dope move by our homeboy President. WOOOO!!!!" Following the remark, McConnell calmly restored his collar, cupped his hands around his mouth, and whispered to the press "(I'm just trying to connect with the younger voters. This'll really reboot the Republican Party--get us into the 20th Century, ya know?)" Seacrest was unavailable for comment, but American Idol producers released a joint statement, "[Wishing] Ryan all the best in his new political career. We look forward to watching him awkwardly high five members of the White House Press Corps, mispronounce pronouncable names, and generally bung things up like he did so endearingly on Idol. Paula will miss him." The news came as a surprise to current press secretary Gibbs, who noted that Seacrest "not only lacks the political gravitas to hold a position like this, but his Top 40 Countdown is nearly as bad as a Paula meltdown. Emmy-nominee my [expletive]." Democrats met the news with tremendous blase. "Meh," observed one senator. "Cool," uttered another. When informed of the move at his hospital bed, however, Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Ma) sat up and croaked "Seacrest?! I thought we were looking for Hope, not Dope!" Obama's camp remained mum about the move.

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