I got a letter in the mail today from the American Bar Association (hoity-toitiness to its extreme) addressed to one Mary B. Vogeler. (Now, to all those readers who may not know, I am in fact a man. With that little distinction out of the way, I will proceed.) At first, I thought the ABA might be pranking me. They've been known to have fun at least once in their prestigious history, and I figured this could be the second time. But upon further review, I'm convinced they've just made an error and consider me to be Ms. Mary B. Vogeler, future esquire. Rolling with this new-found gender freedom, below is my list of seven things I'd like to do if I really were a woman. 1. Slumber Party!!! I want to know what goes on at these things. Shrouded in mystery, this foundation of teen- and college-aged female bonding time has perplexed boys and men alike for at least some millenia now. What really happens there? I have my hypotheses, but aside from pillow fights, nail-painting, frozen bras, and giggly girl talk...what makes the slumber party so mysterious and so secretive? If a guy asks a girl what she and her girlfriends did while there...well, he'll probably hear something like "Oh, just girl stuff." I may not know much about women, but I have learned that "girl stuff" is actually code for "Oh, so many things that I swore an oath upon my copy of Twilight to never share with anyone outside of the Slumber Party upon penalty of social death." Hmmm.... On second thought, maybe I don't want to know what goes on there. 2. The Ladies' Room This is one category I've actually witnessed. The ladies room at any respectable joint tends to be the porcelain equivalent of Shangri-La. Leather sofas, ottomans, gold appointments, platinum hardware, eunuch servants zestilly brandishing grapes and hot towels, ready to defend the place from "guys" with their deadly scimitars. Don't worry, unlike the Slumber Party, I don't need to infiltrate the Ladies' room. I already know (or am convinced of) what goes on in there. I just want to be able to lounge or bask or be waited upon in the bathroom if the feeling so strikes me... 3. Complete Power Over Slightly-less-than 50% of the Population Come on. You know it's true. Women as a community have us guys pleasantly wrapped around their pleasant fingers. With that kind of power, I'm surprised the world hasn't blown up yet. You know if guys had that power...we'd um...well...I imagine that not a lot would ever get done. This would be the equivalent of a super power to most guys. Think a combination of mind control, visual manipulation, and fire. Don't believe me? Ask any guy who's ever been smitten by any girl. Equal parts FIRE and ice. I'm so grateful that most ladies out there don't abuse their super powers, for with them comes great responsibility. 4. Shopping I really just want to know where all the money goes--and how it goes so quickly! 5. Police Encounters I want to be able to get out of a speeding ticket with nothing more than a few blinked back tears, a quivering voice, and a coy smile. Believe me, I've tried. The response for Eric B. Vogeler: "Cowboy Up, Pansy Man! I'm chocking up another 10 miles for crying." You see, for men, there's no crying in...well...whatever we do. 6. Girls' Intramural Flag Football See post below. Heck, I'm tempted to invest in a wig and a coconut bra and try my luck with the Blitz anyway. and No. 7 . . . ? If I were Mary B. instead of Eric Boyd, I'd probably laugh at the idea of being Eric Boyd and shiver at the thought of being a guy. I wonder...what would YOU like to do if you were the opposite gender?