The following comes from loyal reader, future executive, and fantastic friend Kyle E. Witherspoon, esq., in response to the last article. I loved it so much, it's getting its own spot on the EBV. Thanks, Kyle! OFFICE MEMORANDUM TO: Mary Richards FROM: KSL Executives RE: New Required Procedure for Translating Thought to Oral Communication. Dear Mary: The following procedures shall now be followed any time you wish to say something that was not scripted out ahead of time for you: Step (1): Immediately clap hand over mouth, so as to avoid accidental discharge of idiocy. Step (2): Immediately turn off microphone. So as to avoid accidental discharge of idiocy in the event that Step (1) failed and your mouth remains uncovered but your forehead is bruised or your nose is bloody. Step (3): Inform your colleagues that you have a thought you wish to express. (All of your co-workers have been told to immediately drop what they are doing should you make this statement). Step (4): Write the proposed statement down. Step (5): Read it back to yourself silently. Step (6): (The most important step) THINK. HARD. Step (7): If, despite these efforts, you still believe the statement is necessary, immediately hand the proposed statement to the nearest coworker whose education extends beyond the realm of finger paint and duck-duck-goose. Step (8): If the co-worker finds nothing wrong with the statement, immediately ask him/her what the last thing they watched on television was. If the answer involves "Nick-at-Night","Bob Saget", or the E! network, start this process again at Step (6). Step (9): THINK. HARD. AGAIN. Try to focus on whether you are compairing sudden death or dismemberment with an inconvenience. If you are, drop the paper and back away slowly with your hands over your mouth. If this occurs while you are in the doorless traffic helicopter, back away nonetheless. Step (10): If you still cannot find a problem with the statement, turn your mic back on, and say the statement slowly and clearly over the air. *If, upon your doing so, you notice cars around you beginning to run off the road in shock, return immediately to the studio for further instructions Yours, The KSL Management

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