Score Keeping

I've decided that if sports can arbitrarily anoint "winners" and "losers" based on who "scores" more "points" than other people, well then I can too. Only, I'm going to be arbitrary with those who cross my path each day (although, I'm going to justify everyone's score).

The Girl Who Cut Me Off Today While Driving To School at 9:00am (You Know Who You Are...), 1 Point. She gets minus 10 for royally angering me and engendering a quick succession of colorful epithets; but the fact that she executed her 65mph maneuver without killing anyone earns her 11. (This reminds me of a very funny story that I'll recount some other time).
Barack Obama, 2 Points. He gets one for each name, plus one for running for president, but minus one for going by "Barry" in his younger years. (Who wouldn't want the name Barack?!)

The Police, 5 Points. They get one point each for "Roxanne," "Everything Little Thing She Does is Magic," "Don't Stand So Close To Me," "Every Breath You Take," "Message in a Bottle," and for going on tour 20 years after breaking up. They lose a point for not offering a show anywhere near me before June 27th.
My Brother, Mikee, 30,000. He deserves most of it for this quote on KSL.com (age 12, approximately): "I think it might be easier to read to a dog because they can't tell comments about you, like, 'Ha, ha, you can't read' or something." He gets the rest for being the coolest youngest brother ever.

My Brother, Timmy, 30,000 Points. He gets a lot for watching and loving MST3K as much as I do. Our favorite? "The Final Sacrifice." Our latest sampling? "Deathstalker and the Warriors From Hell." Other than that, he's the smartest kid I know and the coolest not-quite-youngest-but-younger-than-me brother ever.
Jimmy Santiago Baca, 25 Points. This poet laureate and distinguished Professor of Poetry at New Mexico University is living proof that institutionalized, "unrecoverable" members of our prison system always deserve second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and even seventh chances. His autobiography, A Place to Stand, should be required reading for everyone who thinks otherwise.

Les Paul, 100 Points and Induction into the Hall of Fame. Let's face it, without this inventor of the electric guitar, the Blues (as we know it), Rock 'n' Roll, Modern American Music, etc. wouldn't exist. Bless you, Les.

BYU Law School, 1 Point. They get this point because I think it's sad when people don't score.

My Future Wife, 999,999. She would score a perfect million, but for her reluctance to show herself. Where are you?! :D

A Glimpse into the Mind of...

So, I'm in the middle of writing a 24+ page "brief" on Interspousal Wiretapping, and whether or not the extension telephone exemption to Title III of the Omnibus Crime Control and Safe Streets Act of 1968 can be used by a father who recorded his wife's phone conversations for over five months. (Brief answer: no) In addition, or rather, on the side I'm supposed to be writing a 30+ page paper on the legality of the Salem Witch Trials compared with more modern "Witch Hunting" done via the McCarthy hearings and the Patriot Act. On top of that, I'm supposed to keep up on my studies in Criminal Law, Constitutional Law, Contracts, hold down a part time job to pay the rent and keep Eric Jr. happy. "Ahhhhh...if only he had time enough to write a poem!" you may think. Well, I don't, but here's one anyway. If it seems really sad, it might be the subject matter surrounding it, but that's how poetry goes sometimes. It's called "Document2" because it's really a bunch of notes I rearranged on Word and mixed up with some of my meandering thoughts. DOCUMENT2 Couldn’t be that I’m suffering because I’m never giving with my future, with my life, with my love? snow fills up the parking lot and rests on the car like Tort Law. I claim I saw it coming; stopped when I found myself holding to Rule 23; The numerosity of a class action lawsuit depends greatly upon the prejudicial elements inherent in the suit, the potential winnings, the potential expenditures of the parties, the willingness of the parties to engage misanthropes. but where are they? When did they roll down the road ahead of me, and why didn’t they hold on to the same things I did. I don’t see that kind of love within your eyes—A minor followed by a major doo doo, doo-wah. Yeah, when in doubt you can spill tonight, and everyone forgives you for having a lapse of words, like a shortage on lightbulbs. an embryo of a loose factual connection What have I done? there and then left me hanging onto air Hungover on the mess within a specific time after having gained constructive or actual notice of the mess creep under the cotton, hold onto it tightly, and try to shut my eyes against the pain. Smile like friends used to hold rummaging and flinging things around the top wherein you have to think that I would. So maybe tomorrow I’ll find my way back home words smell like that, a mix of ash and chlorine, something of a hospital. They’re replaceable, like a cheap wine or a bottle of olives broken on the supermarket floor “Crisp sugar your grace.” Change your ways boy, one day you’ll be a girl, education, a learned mind and a mastered hand liable to clean up; else, you’ve breached it all your hips a broken dance on the first floor I ever stepped to get to you at the depot. cramped under the kind of therapy I need, please believe me, deadlines, time smiling back at me through the glass explain the bleeding I forged for you; relationships you developed for acquisition? A notch in the belt.

Because I'm on "Spring Break..."

*cough, cough* Middle of February! *cough* Because I had nothing better to do today, I decided to research the real names of people you KNOW changed them in order to make it big in Hollywood. Generally, you know them when you see them. The most obvious example? Wolf Blitzer. Seriously...you expect us to believe that Mama Blitzer named her baby boy Wolf?! But some real names are more incredible than their chosen names. Famous Name: Wolf Blitzer Real Name: Wolf Blitzer (Really! http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/05276/581641.stm) Famous Name: Trey Wingo Real Name: Hal Chipman Wingo, III (Third, hence the "trey") Famous Name: Erykah Badu Real Name: Erica Wright (the Y, the H, and the Badu gave her...street cred) Famous Name: Alan Thicke Real Name: Alan Willis Jeffrey (the Thicke gave him...Canadian street cred) Famous Name: Rick James Real Name: James Ambrose Johnson (what, Ambrose wasn't tough enough, be-yotch?!) Famous Name: Wyclef Jean Real Name: Nelust Wyclef Jean (why he dropped Nelust, we'll never know) Famous Name: Elton John Real Name: Reginald Kenneth Dwight (Elton was less...more...hell, I don't know) Famous Name: Max Power Real Name: Homer Simpson Famous Name: Busta Rhymes Real Name: Trevor Smith, Junior (I guess Trev wasn't so much "Flip-Mode" as "Dip-Mode") Famous Name: Xena Real Name: Lucy Lawless REAL Name: Lucille Frances Ryan (we all know we watched this show...) Famous Name: River Phoenix Real Name: River Jude Bottom (what were Mr. and Mrs. Bottom Thinking?! River Bottom?) Well, that's enough for tonight. Let me know if you find any others. A great site to help is http://www.famousfolk.com/real/names-s/. Peace

If you were a pornstar...

Bow chicka-wow wah... Here's a fun little puzzle to find your pornstar name: Combine the name of your first pet and the street you grew up on. Mine, you ask? Toby 2000 Other notables include: Kitty Michigan (David Whittaker) Budweiser Jones (Some Guy) Midnight DuVall (Friend of Some Guy) Give it a try!

Funny: I look like a Footballer, a Black Comedian, a Famous Actor, A Crazy Actor, a Backstreet Boy, a White Comedian, a Woman, and a Jackass.

HERE WE GO AGAIN...

That's right, once more I'm taking my summer out of the country. Last year it was Europe. The year before it was Central America. This year, I'm going back to the Terra Santa, the Holy Land--Brazil. I've got a spot as an intern in an international law firm based in Sao Paulo, focusing on commercial transactions and contracts. I'll be spending about 5 weeks working there, and hopefully another two to three travelling throughout the country. If anyone's interested in touring through South America's Jewel, let me know. The best part of this whole experience is that the JRC is paying for most of my airfare, and giving me anywhere from 3-6 hours of credit for the work I do down there.

Can't wait to get out there! If you're incredibly bored, check out their website. Dr. Ricardo Cerqueira Leite Advogados Associados is at your service! http://www.cerqueiraleite.com.br

After that quick jaunt to the south, I'll be returning home to Salt Lake City to work with Judge Randall Skanchy at the Matheson State Courthouse. Criminal cases galore...I think it'll be like "Law & Order," only less Order unfortunately. I can only wonder how it's going to pan out...

Anyway, that's the exciting news in my corner of the world. Now, if I could only figure out how to download old episodes of MST3K quickly, efficiently, and legally...

Perry Mason I am not...maybe Matlock

Had a moot court/trial advocacy competition today to once more reaffirm that I am a little flounder flopping around sadly on the floor of the J. Reuben Clark. Today's hypothetical case: Lee Stevenson vs Lone Star Bar & Grill. Sadly, I was the only one in the school who got really excited to be representing Bill Pullman in "SpaceBalls." I wonder if I belong down here sometimes.


(Aside: Funny how the Spanish translation is literally "The Crazy History of the Galaxies." I would have gone with "Huevos de la Espacia." Oh well)


Anyway, this whole mock trial was pushed on us about a week ago, where they gave us 40-page information packets with evidence, witness information, the Federal Rules of Evidence, and basically said "Go to it!" Another sad example of the sham that is Law School.



So, after mocking a trial for nearly two hours with little or no idea as to what I was doing, our guest judge (a litigator out of Salt Lake(?) I put that question mark there because he preferred to be called "Your Honor" than that we use his actual name). So, in the end, he gave us comments and feedback with which we could potentially improve our litigative skills. Only, his comments were more on the line of "I wouldn't do that if I were you..." and "You shouldn't do that, or else the jury might rule against you." Literally. Vague like that. Needless to say, the whole experience was less than ideal. That kind of reinforcement is, hmmmm....let's see, it's not positive...oh, yes!

It's negative.

I guess it's a good thing that I don't really want to be the kind of cutthroat lawyer that patrols the halls of the nation's court houses. I'd rather cut myself in the mold of ol' Benjamin J. Matlock, not Perry Mason. See, doesn't Matlock look so much happier?

In other news, found out that I know Cody Roberts 30% less than his wife does. I guess that's probably a good thing for both parties.