Score Keeping

I've decided that if sports can arbitrarily anoint "winners" and "losers" based on who "scores" more "points" than other people, well then I can too. Only, I'm going to be arbitrary with those who cross my path each day (although, I'm going to justify everyone's score).

The Girl Who Cut Me Off Today While Driving To School at 9:00am (You Know Who You Are...), 1 Point. She gets minus 10 for royally angering me and engendering a quick succession of colorful epithets; but the fact that she executed her 65mph maneuver without killing anyone earns her 11. (This reminds me of a very funny story that I'll recount some other time).
Barack Obama, 2 Points. He gets one for each name, plus one for running for president, but minus one for going by "Barry" in his younger years. (Who wouldn't want the name Barack?!)

The Police, 5 Points. They get one point each for "Roxanne," "Everything Little Thing She Does is Magic," "Don't Stand So Close To Me," "Every Breath You Take," "Message in a Bottle," and for going on tour 20 years after breaking up. They lose a point for not offering a show anywhere near me before June 27th.
My Brother, Mikee, 30,000. He deserves most of it for this quote on KSL.com (age 12, approximately): "I think it might be easier to read to a dog because they can't tell comments about you, like, 'Ha, ha, you can't read' or something." He gets the rest for being the coolest youngest brother ever.

My Brother, Timmy, 30,000 Points. He gets a lot for watching and loving MST3K as much as I do. Our favorite? "The Final Sacrifice." Our latest sampling? "Deathstalker and the Warriors From Hell." Other than that, he's the smartest kid I know and the coolest not-quite-youngest-but-younger-than-me brother ever.
Jimmy Santiago Baca, 25 Points. This poet laureate and distinguished Professor of Poetry at New Mexico University is living proof that institutionalized, "unrecoverable" members of our prison system always deserve second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and even seventh chances. His autobiography, A Place to Stand, should be required reading for everyone who thinks otherwise.

Les Paul, 100 Points and Induction into the Hall of Fame. Let's face it, without this inventor of the electric guitar, the Blues (as we know it), Rock 'n' Roll, Modern American Music, etc. wouldn't exist. Bless you, Les.
BYU Law School, 1 Point. They get this point because I think it's sad when people don't score.
My Future Wife, 999,999. She would score a perfect million, but for her reluctance to show herself. Where are you?! :D


Barb said...

By your scoring system, your future wife is the largest winner of all. And the prize she wins is... you! (Interesting...) I'm just kidding... you are a catch and those silly Provo girls need to wake up and enjoy the experience that is Eric Boyd Vogeler.

Cody said...

I don't want to rub it in or anything, but Madelyn will be attending the Police in June. I'm sure you could talk Madelyn into not going if you aksed nicely......but then you would have to come to Dallas.

EBV said...

BUMMER! I don't get home until the 28th of June. Thanks for the offer, though.

Patten said...

I imagine you didn't "score" me because I'm off the charts... In other news, Tyler is engaged. And, I got waitlisted at your beloved university. Here's hoping for some good karma.

Cody said...


You should try watching "Prince of Space".... so far its my favorite MST3K.