1.12.2008

We've had Arnold "The Governator" Schwarzenegger, Jesse "The Body Politic" Ventura, Ronald "I was in the Movies!" Reagan...

...and now people are seriously considering Fred "I'm More Interested in my Grandkids than Being President of the United States" Thompson as a viable presidential candidate due to his days as District Attorney of New York. On the NBC syndication goldmine "Law & Order." In a fictional New York. I swear I could feel half of the American Right gasp just now. Yep, Fred Thompson's political background includes not much more than a few weeks as a senator and several years as a banter-bilking, alluringly stiff actor. He's something of a reluctant paradox. He seems to be successful in spite of his best intentions to just take his amassed wealth and retire to the dusty summers of an Upton Sinclair novel. Unfortunately, someone out there thinks he can make a fine commander-in-chief. I can just see the inaugural address: "Gall, dammit people! Politics ain't quite my cup of gin, but if y'all 'ill have me, I'm a gonna fix-er-up and get-er-done! Hoo-ah!" (and mistaking the crowd's silence as a signal of the people's quiet approval, President Thompson boldly makes his first official act, declaring "nap time" on the stairs of the Capitol. The democrats are incensed, claiming that "only Congress has the power to declare nap time." Fox News defends the President's decision as constitutional, arguing that the "Napitol Campaign" is a "temporary sleep action, and not an official, full blown nap."). Although, you have to admit that having that "Dum Dum!" Law & Order sound effect follow every presidential speech would be pretty cool. All kidding aside, I've noticed a disturbing trend in politics of late: We're electing a lot of individuals whose relevant political experience boils down to camera time, and very occasionally includes camera time playing a politician. (Really, you'd have to have been spending the last 10 years under a rock or in the shadow of Mt. Timpanogos to not notice this). My favorite example of this trend is the classic 80s movie Predator. This was a great action thrill-ride flick and perhaps Arnold Schwarzenneger's finest film. It's essentially a modern interpretation of Beowulf with some heavy science fiction elements mixed into the mess. Instead of the Geat monster Grendel, our Austrian Beowulf is pitted against a dread-locked, lizard-looking bipedal alien with a penchant for skinning humans and collecting skulls. All in all, it's bloody good fun. However, who would have known that this movie would be an indicator of the state of American politics in the 21st century? Two future Governors were featured in this movie!!! (Arnold in California and Jesse "The Body" Ventura in Minnesota). And lest you dismiss that out of hand, there are only 50 potential openings for governors at any given time. That's 50 less seats than the U.S. Senate. And who knows? Carl Weathers could be making a run at the gubernatorial seat wherever he happens to be plying his fantastic acting skills, upping the Predator politician count to three. While some of you may be shocked at this, a good friend of mine recently pointed out that some memorable quotes came out of Predator that should have led any reasonable person to believe that Arnold and the Body would someday make it big in the political scene: Arnold: (to the predator) "I'm here! Come get me!!!" and (to the cute latin girl who somehow speaks great English) "Get to the Chopper!!!" The Body: (to no one in particular) "Bunch of slack-jawed fa#*$&@s around here. This stuff will make you a (bleep)damned sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me" and (to a soldier who's just pointed out the Body's bleeding) "I don't have time to bleed." Seriously, how could these guys not have made it big? What better political science background than Hollywood? So with that in mind, here are my next "sure thing" political candidates gracing the silver screen today and the oval office tomorrow, with their potential office(s) and the reasons for their political successes. George Clooney Surgeon General. Did you ever see this guy on ER? He was amazing! Secretary of Defense. He's played a soldier in the Gulf War (Three Kings), a CIA agent in both the Middle East (Syrianna) and 70s suburban America (Confessions of a Dangerous Mind). Matt Damon CIA Director. After the Bourne trilogy and playing a mob-insider in The Departed, how could he be anything else? Secretary of Education. Oh yeah. After playing a high school dropout(?) mathematical savant in Good Will Hunting, this is probably the best candidate we could ask for after the No Child Left Behind debacle has destroyed public education in America. Brad Pitt Secretary of Health and Human Services. Noticed a trend yet? The big three from Ocean's Eleven-Thirteen. Pitt would be magnificent in this role, having the inside scoop on life after having played Death in Meet Joe Black. He makes an especially attractive candidate when compared to current HHS Secretary Mike Leavitt. No offense to the former Utah governor, but NO ONE can match Pitt for pure looks or spousal appeal. Angelina Jolie US Ambassador to the United Nations. Think John R. Bolton, but now give him enormous lips, stunning eyes, an eerie tendency to dry his lover's blood in a vial around his neck, a best supporting actress Oscar, and an incredible track record regarding humanitarian service. Seriously, the Tomb Raider couldn't help but be more effective, if for nothing else than her huge....um...track. Record. Christian Bale Secretary of Kick-Ass. You know they're going to make this a cabinet position, especially if Obama wins. If not... Secretary of Batman. His credentials speak for themselves--no one has played the Dark Knight better. If that position fails to make it (and I'll blame it on Fox News)... Vice President. He can take the spotlight off the President better than any Veep in past memory. He's proven he can sing and dance as Cowboy in Newsies. He'll take on the crappiest roles ever invented in order to get the job done, as demonstrated by his impeccable Mio in The Land of Faraway. And he'll even lose 180 pounds and not sleep, if that's what the job requires. (The Machinist). Only, I hope he doesn't carry his American Psycho persona into the oval office. I'd hate to see blood stains on the carpet. Jessica Alba Senate Whip. This is the Dark Angel we're talking about here. If anyone could reach across the aisle and...well, do whatever she wants with a full majority of the Senate, it's this woman. Jennifer Garner FBI or CIA Director. This is Alias! Sydney would be so crazy good, she'd make J. Edgar Hoover look like Mr. Rogers. The only requirement on her will be to dump Ben Affleck and return to the hot pink hair she sported on the rare times I tuned into her show. Martin Sheen El Presidente. This is the title Fox News would bestow on President Sheen, and change its name to "Noticias del Fox" in preparation for the imminent takeover of Mexico. Their new slogan? "!Igual y balanciado!" En serio.

5 comments:

Barb said...

Oh, Man, you are right on! Except you forgot Oprah... she'd have to be in there somewhere (probably as Empress). In a lot of (legitimate, non-pure-looks) ways, I would so much rather have George Clooney than Fred Thompson... he at least has an eye on the world instead of living solely in a little Hollyton D.C. bubble. Mmm, maybe it is just a looks thing.

gurrbonzo said...

Jed Bartlett was the best fake president this country has ever seen. Go West Wing.

Marie Davies said...

If Christian Bale gets elected/appointed to any government position I will A. promptly become his most indispensable aide, and B. cheerfully pay my taxes with a big giant smile on my face, because that would be an America I could wholeheartedly support.

Logan and Emily Bohman said...

I just ran into your blog and LOVE it! It was quite a refreshing read...thank you for that! I want to link you to my blog. Is that cool? Miss your freaking face!

Emi

AlliSMiles said...

i might read your posts if they weren't 4 screens long