So You Want to Go to Law School...

Don't waste your time! Here in three-minute installments is everything you need to know from the most important classes you'll think you have to take to make it in the legal profession. (Really, I should charge you three years of your life and about $200,000 each to share this with you, but hey, what are friends for?) FIRST UP? Civ Pro. Civil Procedure
  • When, where, and how to sue people in civil matters.
    • Civil is a misnomer, as the process of litigation is rarely ever that. It should probably be called Embittered, Nasty, Greedy Procedure.
      • But I digress.
  • If you're good at understanding and following rules, you'll be good at this.
    • Beware, however, as most lawyers do not know how to follow the rules in general, let alone the Rules of Embittered, Nasty, Greedy (ENG) Procedure.
  • For a fun legal treat, buy the Federal Rules of ENG Procedure and read through them starting at 1 and see how far you get.
    • Note: It's like counting the licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.
  • Want a preview of the joy that results from the study of this topic? Walk up to a first-year law student and whisper the words "Pennoyer and its progeny." Seriously, try it. You'll get a kick out of the response.
    • Note: You will literally get a kick out of the response
  • Fun Factor:
    • 3 if you're normal
    • 7 if you're sick
    • 9 if you actually take the class. This is the result of becoming both sick and delusional due to the grade you received in this class.
  • Complication Factor:
    • 10 if you're normal
    • 10.5 if you're a law student
    • 9 if you're a Supreme Court Justice
    • 1 if you're a law professor who often gets frustrated with the simpletons that form the moronic makeup of your class. Really, how hard can Collateral Claim Preclusion really be?!
  • Idiot Factor:
    • Wanna look dumb? Just try explaining to your law firm how you managed to get sanctioned under Rule 11 of the Federal Rules of ENG Procedure. Or how you lost the case pursuant to a 12(b)(6) motion for failure to state a claim. Worst of all, try telling your client that you're charging him $45,000 to defend a suit from his ex-wife when the statute of limitations had run three years earlier and you didn't catch it until now.
  • Final Thoughts:
    • Empty your mind of thoughts. Let the Rules guide you. The Rules surround us and bind us. An attorney's strength flows from the Rules. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter... Concentrate...feel the Rules flow. Yes. Good. Calm, yes. Through the Rules, things you will see. Other places. The future...the past. Old friends long gone. Trust your instincts, but Use the Rules.


gurrbonzo said...

Shoot...you're saying I should've paid attention in Civil Procedure? Also, I love Tootsie Pops.

AlliSMiles said...

you're wrong about the fun factor, unless 9 means that i got to have my @$$ handed to me when i was called on and then again when i got my grade.

Kristy said...

Um....I didn't read any of this entry...but thanks for the welcome!

Sam said...

I will tell you what I think of Pennoyer....Waste of Time.