9.30.2010

Religiosity

 I just took this test over at the religion site Beliefnet.  It's supposed to gauge how and where my personal beliefs are based on a twenty question quiz.  While I can see the relationship to Mainline / Liberal Christian Protestants and Orthodox Quakers, I was a bit surprised that my admittedly LDS-leanings are so closely in line with Mahayana Buddhism. 

I knew I liked the idea of coming back as a cat to learn the essential skills of lazing and eating, but I didn't know that idea could creep its way into my dogmatic ideals. But then again, it's just a fun little quiz.

Go take the test.  It's interesting.

1. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (100%)
2. Orthodox Quaker (98%)
3. Mahayana Buddhism (94%)
4. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (93%)
5. Baha'i Faith (91%)
6. Liberal Quakers (88%)
7. Hinduism (87%)
8. Sikhism (86%)
9. Theravada Buddhism (86%)
10. Jainism (85%)

9.29.2010

The Ladies' Loo



I caught a glimpse[1] of the Women's Bathroom at work the other day as the janitors were rolling through, and, well...

Ladies, you have a couch in there?!

And barca loungers?!!

This shocking revelation led me to question all the things I did not see as I passed the Joan:[2]  if there are couches, could there also be masseurs, caviar, champagne, performing flautists, and bathing servants to care for your every restroom requirement? Do the Roman Baths still exist, unbeknownst to half the population?


My dear female friends, before I get too crass, I want you to know how truly lucky you are to have these amenities in your water closets.  These lavish appointments, even a simple couch, finally explain why these areas are called "Restrooms." 

I now understand why entire flocks of women migrate to and from the restroom during group activities.  I can only surmise that super secrets and other important things are worked out and arranged there.  In fact, in researching this post, I discovered that many important International Treaties have been brokered in the U.N.'s Ladies' Room.  One must assume that this kind of social cooperation among women is a direct result of the comfort of your bathrooms



In contrast, your Typical Men's Room has three features:  

1.  Scum on the floors and crinkled candy wrappers from the 80s.[3]   

2.  Troughs and / or holes in the ground to carry away human effluence 


3.  A sign informing us that we "must under PENALTY OF LAW WASH YOUR HANDS"[4]

This kind of atmosphere does not breed conversation.  In truth, we menfolk stop talking the second our feet hit the restroom tiles.[5] 

For example I could be engaged in a furious debate on the intersection of Free Speech and Free Exercise of Religion within the context of American funerary ceremonies with my fastest guy friend, legal mumbo jumbo spewing from our mouths at a prodigious clip, and the moment we opened the Men's Room door, our conversation would instantly and consciously be put on pause.

Would we resume the conversation after leaving?  Of course.  But our time in the porcelain cave is not time for thinking.  It is business time, and we want to get out of there as soon as practical. No one I know is really in the mood to talk about the weekend when they're afraid of what creeping thing could be lurking under the effluence trough.


So celebrate your restrooms, ladies.  Lap in the luxury of your loo.  And know that at least one man out there will understand when and why you do.


[1] It was INNOCENT!  They were cleaning the place… honest.
[2] See also the male version: the John.
[3] Twix wrappers are the most common, followed by Three Musketeers and Air Heads.
[4] The sign must have been defaced with either crude drawings or naughty phrases made by a 13-year-old (regardless of how old his body really is).  Additionally, the fact that this sign exists is a sad commentary on the mental state of men in general.  Do we really need to be reminded to do this all the time?  Sadly, the answer appears to be a resounding "Yes, Dummy!"
[5] For the record, we men also stay as far away from each other as possible while taking care of our business.  Are there deeper reasons for this behavior?  Perhaps.  But for now, just know that we all follow these rules regardless of reason; and we break them at our own peril.

9.15.2010

The Way to Make Money

Apparently isn't to earn an education, work hard, or even become skilled at your craft.

Looks like all you have to do is put together a contracting bid, lose the bid, and threaten to sue the State Agency that made the decision because "the decision wasn't fair."

Then you can walk away with a cool baker's dozen (in millions) and you never have to lift a finger. 

Does this seem wrong to anybody else (alleged political "pay-to-play" schemes aside)?

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home/50285759-76/governor-udot-million-settlement.html.csp?page=1

9.09.2010

Babylon or Zion? (part 2)



My last post was mostly about religion.  This post will mostly be about college football and sport in general.  I didn't want this to become a defense of my "purpleness" or something about not being able to "serve two masters."  However, I suppose it does help explain why I try to keep one foot in Babylon and one in Zion.

Mostly, though, it's just me riffing on why sports has become its own sort of religion and how religion (at least in Utah) has bled into sports.  And why it's gone wrong.

I.  History Lesson

A history of College Football in Utah.  It doesn't need to be long.  This should suffice:



Brigham Young founded the University of Utah a long time ago.
A slightly less long time ago, someone (not named Brigham Young) founded the Brigham Young Academy in honor of Brigham Young.
Not long after their respective foundings, the schools started playing football.
They played it almost every year, and it began to get heated when they played.
At first, the University of Utah beat Brigham Young Academy--a lot.
Sometime thereafter, the Brigham Young Academy changed its name to Brigham Young University--to sound cooler, or something.
Sometime after the name change, Brigham Young University hired a guy out of Granite High School named LaVell Edwards.
Thirty years and 20-something wins over Utah later, and BYU named an ice cream and a stadium after him.
Both schools beat Utah State senseless every year.
Then the University of Utah hired a guy out of Bowling Green, by way of Notre Dame, named Urban Meyer.
And like the Spanish Inquisition before him, Urban proceeded to drill, torture, and defeat the Cougars.
Urban was Catholic; the Cougars were Mormon.
Then BYU hired a guy named after a Horse.  And he did well against Utah.
Then someone dubbed the Utah / BYU rivalry "The Holy War"; thousands of Crusaders rolled in their graves.
Oh, and somewhere in there, people poured beer on Max Hall's family.
And here we are today.


It saddens me that the rivalry has digressed in sportsmanship and respect.  There was (and hopefully still is) something endearing, something unique, something special about the Utah / BYU rivalry.  Time had it as a good-natured and competitive meeting that took place whenever the Universities met up in Sport.

These schools are forty miles apart. That's close.  When they played, they played bragging rights and their accompanying smack talk; conference championships; neighborhood rivalries; and to taste the sweetness of victory or avoid the bitterness of defeat.

Friends and families could be divided for three hours on a Fall Saturday, only to reunite later over Turkey and Trivial Pursuit.

In short, it was a blessed, harvest time event.


Somewhere along the way, however, the rivalry got ugly.  Religion--and its attendant biases and prejudices, adherents and detractors-- strolled into the show.  People in Utah started to align according to their faith; they chose up sides and in so doing became equal parts self-righteous and hypocritical, pious and petty.

Now people--not everyone, mind you, but enough--openly hate on each other, calling each other classless, pouring beer on families, punching coaches' wives, stealing cell phones, assaulting cheerleaders / getting beaten up by assaulted cheerleaders, stealing statues, tearing down goal posts, getting pregnant, living in sin, stoning prophets...

You get the picture.

I don't know exactly when or how this happened, but it's here.  Maybe it's been progressing that way for years. One thing's for certain: there's something deep and dark about the hatred that is oozing from the "Holy War."  And I wonder why it's happened here, in the Valley of the Saints.


II.  Sport

Sports are and have always been a way for us to safely create a microcosm of our society.  A place where the rule of law is absolute and we have at least the feel of control.  We can pour in all our violence, all our competitive urges, all our desire to win, be the best, destroy, etc. without actually destroying.  Whereas the Romans got to watch their gladiators defeat the "others," we get to cheer on our Spartans / Trojans / Cougars / Utes as they defeat the invading Aggies / Longhorns / Fighting Irish / Wolverines.  Better yet, no one gets decapitated at the end of it all.  (I'm waiting for you to blink on that one, MMA).

But perhaps the most appealing aspect of sport is the sense that these competitions are fair.  They are the Mosaic law.  Eye for an eye, hoop for a hoop.  No one gets an upperhand at the beginning* because everyone starts with the same score: 0.  From there, it's up to you. 

Sports are fair in an undeniably cruel and often unfair world.  By way of example, the majority of Brazilians live in abject poverty.  Many are one room, dirt floor, tin house, beans for all meals poor.  But despite this, Brazilians make the world gasp in awe when they take to the pitch for World Soccer matches.  I was in Brazil during the 2002 World Cup.  Brasil beat Germany in the final match to become the "Pentacampeao"--five-time champion.  Poverty lost out that day to unbridled joy and pride.  I've never seen more deliriously happy, jovially drunk people at 8:00 in the morning. 

All this was possible because the playing field was level.  Brazil earned its victories, poverty and corruption forgotten.  For one day, at least, the Federal Republic of Brazil could say they were the best at something and know it was true.

That's not usually what happens after BYU / Utah games anymore.  If one team beats the other, it's not enough to have won.  The sense of accomplishment somehow isn't enough anymore.  The winning team and its supporters will often disparage the loser.  The divisive comments--"I hate those guys" or "I'd rather die a Ute than win as a Cougar (or vice versa)"--are routinely heard, not in whispered conversations, but in shouting matches between victor and loser at the stadium, on the radio, and at home.

This kind of behavior is something like Achilles dragging Hector's corpse around the walls of Troy after slaying the Trojan hero in single combat.  This act of desecration was so putrid to the Greeks that, at least according to the Iliad, the gods conspired to help defeat Achilles.  But in "The Holy War", many take "rubbing it in" as par for the course.  To the victor go the spoils.  All's fair in love and war.

I worry that this is a result of the religious subtext that has crept into the game.** 

(Thanks to Ted Naismith)


III.  CASTLES and CONCLUSIONS

Bringing this all back, I'm afraid that the "Holy War" has become not a positive, fair microcosm of how society should work, but rather as a reflection of how society is working.

There were plans by a self-professed Christian minister to burn the Quran this week as some sort of protest about the planned Islam Community Center near the World Trade Center Ground Zero.  Americans everywhere are sacrificing the First Amendment on the altar of the War on Terror--arguing that the same Islam Community Center planned near Ground Zero should not be constructed, and if it is, the builders should not be surprised at what could happen.  (This is a story for another time as well).  Religious people are viewed as ignorant and blind.  Aetheists are despised as evil.  Republicans ridicule Democratic values and Democrats ridicule Republican values.  (Again, another story).

We Americans love to sort each other into groups, label each other, and ultimately (here's that word again) pigeonhole ourselves into a comfortable corner where we are surrounded only with what makes us feel comfortable and good.  And justified in what we do and believe, reason or love be damned.

In the end, we build up a castle, only to be holed up in it, spewing insults down on those who pass by, who are not in our kingdom or of our kingdom.  We shout to them that they are wrong, that they are misguided, and when they ask us to join them, we shout again that we don't want to join their search for the Grail, because "we've already got one."

We arrange ourselves into Bhuddist, Baptist, Mormon, Catholic, Ute, and Cougar.  And feed our insecurities by hate.  We engage in bullying and call it righteousness (or open-mindedness if you're not in a religious context).  We are doing just fine in our corner, thank you very much.

And we are all the poorer for it.


______________________________________

* Unless you're in the BCS, but that's another story as well.

** Which is odd, because there are just as many Mormon Utah fans as not.

8.31.2010

Babylon or Zion? (part 1)



Growing up an innocent toe-head in Northern Utah, I (naively) assumed that everyone went to the same church as me on Sundays.  We all just "went to church."  When Dave Johnson asked me--in the 2nd Grade, mind you--what Church I went to, "Lutheran or Mormon?" I remember thinking Lutheran sounds cooler, "Lutheran."

Dave's response?  "Huh.  Cool."

That was that.  Dave and I continued on with our puzzle (it was a She-Ra / He-Man crossover puzzle, for what it's worth). 



Life was fine.

It was only later that my Mother found out my answer and informed me that I was definitely Mormon. 

This didn't really come as news to me, as I recognized the name.  I just figured that Lutherans liked Luther more than Mormon.*  No big deal; I had bugs to catch or castles to build.

Nowadays, my innocence is gone.  How you answer the question of religion--"You Mormon? You Christian? You Muslim? You Atheist?"--apparently pigeonholes you into something you might not be. Look, I get pigeonholing; I grew up in Utah, where everyone thinks polygamy still thrives (it doesn't) and dancing is outlawed (damn you, Footloose!).  And it's not just from the outside "gentile" population; many Salt Lake City folk will treat you well until they find out you belong to "That Church" or that you're a "blind sheep," or "close-minded," or some such pejorative term.**  Then you get condescending or patronizing stares that simply ooze "Oh, you poor, poor village idiot.  I'd talk to you in my grown up voice, but I worry you wouldn't understand me." 

Pigeonholing pisses me off, though.  When I get those condescending stares, I try to glare back with my "I'd talk to you too if you weren't so convinced that your own world-view was superior to my own, hedonistic hypocrite!" glare.  Judging someone largely on your broad, superficial, and usually wikipedia-based knowledge of their beliefs is like attempting to paint over a Van Gogh rather than appreciating it.
 

That said, however, some of the finest, most decent people I've ever met in my life were Catholic, Baptist, Muslim, and Bhuddist.  These are still some of my closest friends.  And, in general, we all maintain a healthy respect for each other regarding our spiritual and ideological beliefs.***  


All of this serves as a backdrop to my confessional. 

I belt "Ki-Yi" for the University of Utah.

BUT

I also rise and shout for the Cougars of BYU.



Go ahead, gasp.  In college football terms, I keep one foot in Zion and one in Babylon.  The ultimate sacrilege.  That which is worthy of a spewing out by the three-headed deity of JoePaBoBear.

If this were Sodom & Gomorrah, I'd be a two-hundred pound pillar of salt by now.

I think a lot of my friends see me as a fair weather fan.  Or truly a Utah fan or truly a Cougar fan, underneath that smutty veneer of the "other team." 

I understand, though, that being able to entertain ideas that are at odds with each other is a sign of psychological health.  I suppose the same could be said of teams.  At least, that's how I'd like to justify it.  But that's for another day.

Part 2: Will explore the deeper meaning of "The Holy War", why it's ridiculous, and why I love both teams but hate what they're doing right now. 

___________________________________________________

*Which is, I suppose, true.

** I think I might have sussed out the difference between "open-minded" and "close-minded" people.  Seems to me that neither group can tolerate the other, where one openly embraces its label and the other remains blissfully ignorant of its own.

***Yes, most of my friends are probably LDS.  Part of that is demographics, part of it is self-selection.  I see the same group of people every nearly every Sunday, and we are working towards several common goals, not least of which is community building.  We try to watch out for and take care of each other (some more than others, and some more judgmentally than others. Sigh.).  When it works, it's inspiring.  It doesn't always work well, and as in life, there are road bumps. No matter the outcome, though, you tend to forge fast friendships and long-term relationships.

8.12.2010

Does Anyone Else Get...

Weird comments from supposedly Asian readers with ellipses links to what I'm sure are some type of Avian Flu-Computer Virus?

Yeah.  It's annoying. 

8.01.2010

Everything's Coming Up Vogeler

I've been thinking it over.  I need to post more often.  Life is busy, of course, but there is time to be made.

One of the reasons I keep this blog, aside from pointing out funny Mormon / Blogger / Utahn / American idiosyncracies, is to keep a lot of you updated about my life.  So here's an update.  A run down of, perhaps, the best year of my life. Ever.

One year ago this time, I was just finishing up the bar exam, trying to figure out how to convince the love of my life that she should remain the love of my life forever, and wondering just how I was going to make money to support myself (let alone the soon-to-be-permanent love of my life).  It was stressful, and I was adrift on the tide of a bad economy.

And then miracle by miracle started to pop up.  Here are some of them:

1.  August 21, 2009:  A job I'd interviewed for with a judge I didn't hear back from in May suddenly opened up again.  And they offered me the job!  How long did it take me to accept the offer?  The measurement for a period of time that small hasn't even been imagined yet.



2.  August 22, 2009:  Riding the euphoria of a job and knowing that, at least for a little while, I could afford to keep eating and maybe even live somewhere, I asked erv to marry me.  In an incredibly sappy, kitschy way that she just ate up.  And it totally worked!

3.  September 2009:  Find out from facebook that bar scores are up--somewhere.  Find out from friend where to find my score.  Find out from internet that a lot of people passed and a lot of people failed.  Frantically try to find my exam number.  Find out from my email what my bar exam number was.  Find out I passed.
I nearly hyperventilated in the ten minutes it took me to figure all of this out.

Later the same day, find out from letter that I passed with way more points than I ever needed to.  Curse myself for having studied too much.  Cross myself for having studied enough.


4.  September 2009:  Find an amazing apartment at an amazing price in downtown on Craigslist.  We close the same day we see it.

5.  October 2009:  Sworn in as a licensed attorney in the State of Utah.  Get a raise for becoming an attorney.  Lose a lot of money towards bar fees.  Still, I feel I came out better for this deal.


6.  October 24, 2009:  I married the girl that makes me still feel all twitterpated inside.

7.  October 25, 2009:  Relieved to see that the girl I married didn't run off in the night.  Still hasn't (crossing fingers).



8.  January 2010:  Made it through tryouts and into an amazing chamber choir.  Did we sing complex latin requiems? Of course.  Were we snooty? You bet.  But did we sound fantastic? Every time we warbled.  (The band broke up in April, sadly.  Probably in order to get rid of me. :P).


9.  May 2010:  Visit my little brother in Seoul Korea.  One case of Kimchi poisoning aside (and it burned!), we had a fun, culturally enlightening visit.  I have to admit, however, that having to order my food based on pictures in the menu is not my favorite activity.  Nor does it always produce the tastiest food.


10.  July 2010:  Longtime Professor, mentor, and good friend, Tom Lee becomes the latest Utah Supreme Court Justice.   Among such cool things as watching him get sworn in by U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas and later meeting and conversing with the same, I was humbled when, a few weeks after being approved by the Utah Senate, Justice Lee called me and asked me to come clerk for him in 2011-2012.

Pause. Blink. Blink.

I stammered out "yes" in about five different ways and five different languages, rambled on for a few minutes about how "awesome...I mean awe-inspiring...I mean...Yes!" it was.  And when I finally composed myself enough to say, "it will be an absolute honor" and hung up the phone, I squealed like a little girl for at least two minuets.

*Quick primer on judicial clerkships:  law clerks have a lot of functions in a judge's chambers, but perhaps what Justice Thomas told me is the most succinct way to put it.  "[]Our job is to make the judge's job easier."  We research, write, debate, and basically make sure the judge is prepared in hearings and that his opinion sparkles with brilliance and accuracy.  A judicial clerkship often opens professional doors that wouldn't open otherwise.

And, at the end of the day, it's just fascinating, invigorating work.  Needless to say, I am completely stoked to get in there, roll up my sleeves, and work hard.


TODAY:  And today, well...today I'm just grateful to be alive and kicking.  I have a job that pays me money, I have friends I love spending time with, I have the greatest family in the world, and perhaps most importantly, I have a wife who absolutely loves me.

Things really are coming up Vogeler.

It's at these times that I usually brace for the incoming crap storm, but at least for right now, I'll enjoy it.

A lot.