The Ladies' Loo

I caught a glimpse[1] of the Women's Bathroom at work the other day as the janitors were rolling through, and, well...

Ladies, you have a couch in there?!

And barca loungers?!!

This shocking revelation led me to question all the things I did not see as I passed the Joan:[2]  if there are couches, could there also be masseurs, caviar, champagne, performing flautists, and bathing servants to care for your every restroom requirement? Do the Roman Baths still exist, unbeknownst to half the population?

My dear female friends, before I get too crass, I want you to know how truly lucky you are to have these amenities in your water closets.  These lavish appointments, even a simple couch, finally explain why these areas are called "Restrooms." 

I now understand why entire flocks of women migrate to and from the restroom during group activities.  I can only surmise that super secrets and other important things are worked out and arranged there.  In fact, in researching this post, I discovered that many important International Treaties have been brokered in the U.N.'s Ladies' Room.  One must assume that this kind of social cooperation among women is a direct result of the comfort of your bathrooms

In contrast, your Typical Men's Room has three features:  

1.  Scum on the floors and crinkled candy wrappers from the 80s.[3]   

2.  Troughs and / or holes in the ground to carry away human effluence.   

3.  A sign informing us that we "must under PENALTY OF LAW WASH YOUR HANDS"[4]

This kind of atmosphere does not breed conversation.  In truth, we menfolk stop talking the second our feet hit the restroom tiles.[5] 

For example I could be engaged in a furious debate on the intersection of Free Speech and Free Exercise of Religion within the context of American funerary ceremonies with my fastest guy friend, legal mumbo jumbo spewing from our mouths at a prodigious clip, and the moment we opened the Men's Room door, our conversation would instantly and consciously be put on pause.

Would we resume the conversation after leaving?  Of course.  But our time in the porcelain cave is not time for thinking.  It is business time, and we want to get out of there as soon as practical. No one I know is really in the mood to talk about the weekend when they're afraid of what creeping thing could be lurking under the effluence trough.

So celebrate your restrooms, ladies.  Lap in the luxury of your loo.  And know that at least one man out there will understand when and why you do.

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[1] It was INNOCENT!  They were cleaning the place… honest.

[2] See also the male version: the John.

[3] Twix wrappers are the most common, followed by Three Musketeers and Air Heads.

[4] The sign must have been defaced with either crude drawings or naughty phrases made by a 13-year-old (regardless of how old his body really is).  Additionally, the fact that this sign exists is a sad commentary on the mental state of men in general.  Do we really need to be reminded to do this all the time?  Sadly, the answer appears to be a resounding "Yes, Dummy!"

[5] For the record, we men also stay as far away from each other as possible while taking care of our business.  Are there deeper reasons for this behavior?  Perhaps.  But for now, just know that we all follow these rules regardless of reason; and we break them at our own peril.