The Ladies' Loo

I caught a glimpse[1] of the Women's Bathroom at work the other day as the janitors were rolling through, and, well...

Ladies, you have a couch in there?!

And barca loungers?!!

This shocking revelation led me to question all the things I did not see as I passed the Joan:[2]  if there are couches, could there also be masseurs, caviar, champagne, performing flautists, and bathing servants to care for your every restroom requirement? Do the Roman Baths still exist, unbeknownst to half the population?

My dear female friends, before I get too crass, I want you to know how truly lucky you are to have these amenities in your water closets.  These lavish appointments, even a simple couch, finally explain why these areas are called "Restrooms." 

I now understand why entire flocks of women migrate to and from the restroom during group activities.  I can only surmise that super secrets and other important things are worked out and arranged there.  In fact, in researching this post, I discovered that many important International Treaties have been brokered in the U.N.'s Ladies' Room.  One must assume that this kind of social cooperation among women is a direct result of the comfort of your bathrooms

In contrast, your Typical Men's Room has three features:  

1.  Scum on the floors and crinkled candy wrappers from the 80s.[3]   

2.  Troughs and / or holes in the ground to carry away human effluence 

3.  A sign informing us that we "must under PENALTY OF LAW WASH YOUR HANDS"[4]

This kind of atmosphere does not breed conversation.  In truth, we menfolk stop talking the second our feet hit the restroom tiles.[5] 

For example I could be engaged in a furious debate on the intersection of Free Speech and Free Exercise of Religion within the context of American funerary ceremonies with my fastest guy friend, legal mumbo jumbo spewing from our mouths at a prodigious clip, and the moment we opened the Men's Room door, our conversation would instantly and consciously be put on pause.

Would we resume the conversation after leaving?  Of course.  But our time in the porcelain cave is not time for thinking.  It is business time, and we want to get out of there as soon as practical. No one I know is really in the mood to talk about the weekend when they're afraid of what creeping thing could be lurking under the effluence trough.

So celebrate your restrooms, ladies.  Lap in the luxury of your loo.  And know that at least one man out there will understand when and why you do.

[1] It was INNOCENT!  They were cleaning the place… honest.
[2] See also the male version: the John.
[3] Twix wrappers are the most common, followed by Three Musketeers and Air Heads.
[4] The sign must have been defaced with either crude drawings or naughty phrases made by a 13-year-old (regardless of how old his body really is).  Additionally, the fact that this sign exists is a sad commentary on the mental state of men in general.  Do we really need to be reminded to do this all the time?  Sadly, the answer appears to be a resounding "Yes, Dummy!"
[5] For the record, we men also stay as far away from each other as possible while taking care of our business.  Are there deeper reasons for this behavior?  Perhaps.  But for now, just know that we all follow these rules regardless of reason; and we break them at our own peril.


Erin said...

The couches are supplied for nursing mothers... it's really only at BYU that certain women choose to nap or study in such an atmosphere. Ewww!!

Christin said...

A couch in the restroom is the least that the Universe could do for our sex after cursing us monthly with cramps, bloating, and unexplained irritability. I think that most women would trade the couch (which isn't always so nice I mean come on it is in the bathroom, do you know what goes on in the bathroom!) for the lack of these monthly grievances. Great post though, yours always are! See you Saturday!

AlliSMiles said...

What Erin said! As an expecting mother, I know that those couches have a real purpose, and I would never use couches in the restrooms for any other purpose. I actually saw people at BYU eating their lunches in the bathroom! GROSS. Can you imagine the germs flying around? It made me uncomfortable to use the restroom for its intended purpose when those people were around.

Sarah said...

Hahaha...for the record I haven't seen a couch in a restroom since I arrived in MD over two years ago. Could it be a Utah thing? ALSO, you may be interested to note that the absolute nicest "restroom" I have ever been to was in the Grand America Hotel in SLC. If you're brave enough, check it out sometime. Or just send your wife in and request a detailed report. It's a sight to behold!

KEW said...

A very fine post, my friend! As for FN 5, it is the first rule of man law: Mind the Gap.

As for the deeper reasons, although there are undoubtedly several, I imagine it all stems from medieval days, when the best time to kill a rival was while he made his final shakes.