Gender Roleing

I got a letter in the mail today from the American Bar Association (hoity-toitiness to its extreme) addressed to one Mary B. Vogeler. (Now, to all those readers who may not know, I am in fact a man. With that little distinction out of the way, I will proceed.) At first, I thought the ABA might be pranking me. They've been known to have fun at least once in their prestigious history, and I figured this could be the second time. But upon further review, I'm convinced they've just made an error and consider me to be Ms. Mary B. Vogeler, future esquire. Rolling with this new-found gender freedom, below is my list of seven things I'd like to do if I really were a woman. 1. Slumber Party!!! I want to know what goes on at these things. Shrouded in mystery, this foundation of teen- and college-aged female bonding time has perplexed boys and men alike for at least some millenia now. What really happens there? I have my hypotheses, but aside from pillow fights, nail-painting, frozen bras, and giggly girl talk...what makes the slumber party so mysterious and so secretive? If a guy asks a girl what she and her girlfriends did while there...well, he'll probably hear something like "Oh, just girl stuff." I may not know much about women, but I have learned that "girl stuff" is actually code for "Oh, so many things that I swore an oath upon my copy of Twilight to never share with anyone outside of the Slumber Party upon penalty of social death." Hmmm.... On second thought, maybe I don't want to know what goes on there. 2. The Ladies' Room This is one category I've actually witnessed. The ladies room at any respectable joint tends to be the porcelain equivalent of Shangri-La. Leather sofas, ottomans, gold appointments, platinum hardware, eunuch servants zestilly brandishing grapes and hot towels, ready to defend the place from "guys" with their deadly scimitars. Don't worry, unlike the Slumber Party, I don't need to infiltrate the Ladies' room. I already know (or am convinced of) what goes on in there. I just want to be able to lounge or bask or be waited upon in the bathroom if the feeling so strikes me... 3. Complete Power Over Slightly-less-than 50% of the Population Come on. You know it's true. Women as a community have us guys pleasantly wrapped around their pleasant fingers. With that kind of power, I'm surprised the world hasn't blown up yet. You know if guys had that power...we'd um...well...I imagine that not a lot would ever get done. This would be the equivalent of a super power to most guys. Think a combination of mind control, visual manipulation, and fire. Don't believe me? Ask any guy who's ever been smitten by any girl. Equal parts FIRE and ice. I'm so grateful that most ladies out there don't abuse their super powers, for with them comes great responsibility. 4. Shopping I really just want to know where all the money goes--and how it goes so quickly! 5. Police Encounters I want to be able to get out of a speeding ticket with nothing more than a few blinked back tears, a quivering voice, and a coy smile. Believe me, I've tried. The response for Eric B. Vogeler: "Cowboy Up, Pansy Man! I'm chocking up another 10 miles for crying." You see, for men, there's no crying in...well...whatever we do. 6. Girls' Intramural Flag Football See post below. Heck, I'm tempted to invest in a wig and a coconut bra and try my luck with the Blitz anyway. and No. 7 . . . ? If I were Mary B. instead of Eric Boyd, I'd probably laugh at the idea of being Eric Boyd and shiver at the thought of being a guy. I wonder...what would YOU like to do if you were the opposite gender?

I really mean it. Meanest Sport Ever: Girls Intramural Flag Football

Check this out everybody! Listen carefully for the heartless soul who, after the bone crunching hit, kept his focus on the goal, gave 110%, and shouted "No First!!!" I swear, the girl in the white shirt died after this hit. Nikki Davis, everybody. When you see this, please clap.

Law and Order

This is why you don't mess with a law student anytime near finals. Seriously: http://www.kpho.com/news/17931454/detail.html#- It's so good to know that I'm not the only one who would FREAK OUT if someone touched my laptop near finals time. It's also good to know that law students are blessed with special ninja skills when their babies...er...computers are threatened. Fight or flight. Come to think of it, this brave law student probably analyzed all of the torts and criminal infractions this perp had engaged in before deciding how to proceed. All I have to say? Your apartment is your castle, brother. But your laptop is your fair maiden. Way to prioritize!

ALS-- A Good Man, A Horrible Disease, A Wonderful Cause

In light of some of the vitriol and inherent give and take of politics in the last months, weeks, and days, here's a story I have no hesitation sharing with everyone: Professor Michael Goldsmith, BYU Law Professor Extraordinaire. He shares his experience with ALS in this week's edition of Newsweek magazine. Please, please, please read this article and share it with everyone you can. Especially if you may know anyone with links to or just a love of Baseball. Thanks guys! ebv

Jason Chaffetz--Putting the C back in Conservative

This is why I didn't like this guy. Follow this link to Jason Chaffetz' "Inaugural Address." First day on the job and you call the President-elect a "Socialist" as though it's an epithet? Nice one, Jason. First-term Congressman in the minority party, and you are going to effect change? Stave off the horrible effects of...what exactly? Hey, props for the energy and zeal, but...really?! Back to the socialism thing. I've been hearing this a lot lately. That Mr. Obama is a socialist and that he's going to bring about the final destruction of our nation that has been in embryo ever since Bill Clinton had his grubby hands around the nation's throat. I hate to break this to everybody, but the United States has been Socialist for a LOOOOOOONG time. Even more so since this bailout. We the people now own a considerable portion of our banking system courtesy of...GASP...a Republican President. Now, before people choke on their capitalistic doughnuts and coffee, this isn't the "evil" kind of socialism practiced by our neighbors to the North and throughout Europe. (Although, funny thing, that darn socialism happens to be the governmental system of countries with consistently the highest standards of living). I just don't think anyone can argue that our system of government hasn't already become a form of socialism mixed with a heavy dose of capitalism. If they think they can, I invite them to comment. That said, my favorite apocalyptic saying being thrown about in Utah county today? "With Obama in office, I'm moving to Canada before socialism takes over." Unintentional irony is a delicious meal... best served in Provo I think. :D

Grats Obama FTW!!!

Well, here's to four years of Hope and Change. The vote got Baracked. No matter your affiliation or leanings, let's hope the change can be made and get this country back on track. I believe it can. ebv

New Meanest (and Dumbest) Sport Ever

I've tried valiantly to not bend my knee and turn this into a political posting ground, but I couldn't help it today. Maybe it's because I'm not feeling well. I now hereby dub Politics as the meanest and dumbest sport ever. (Sorry Girls Intramural Flag Football!) Please read this and understand why I wonder if Ms. Palin may in fact be our own beloved Tina Fey: http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2008/10/31/palin-media-criticism-of-my-criticism-first-amendment-violation/ Just so no one accuses me of being an uneducated hater, here's why Ms. Palin's remarks were so laughable: there is no First Amendment issue here! The First Amendment protects the citizenry of the United States against government interference with its right to speech. There is no protection of the government against press interference. If someone slanders or libels Ms. Palin in the press, she can sue them under defamation laws. The First Amendment is not implicated when the press publishes information about individuals. Especially not when those individuals are Public Figures. I can just imagine Ms. Palin's response to that: "What people don't understand here, is, that underneath the protective umbrella of the Constitution there are certain inalienable rights that I and every Joe in the nation are entitled to wherein we are...ya know...worried about the lefty liberal bias of the media and its attempts to off-shore good American labor, where what we really need to do is focus on sustainable energy in light of the First Amendment and Russia's ugly head. Thank you." Go vote on Tuesday!!!