Autumn Pet Peeves

Some things I Love and...not so much Love about Autumn, Law School, BYU, and Life in General... PET PEEVES I like to think I'm a fairly level-headed, patient person. But when these things or people happen, I get an instant headache. (1) Cell Phones in Church Every time I see someone fiddling with or, heaven forbid, answering a phone call during church services, it's all I can do to refrain from asking them "You texting Jesus?" Which brings up a good question--would He use Verizon or AT&T? (ps--Danny, I love you, bro! In a totally masculine, un-weird way!) (2) Sweet Dudes I can't take credit for coining this term. Pretty sure it was good friend Randall Rowberry. Or good friend Kari Baardson. Either way, it's a perfect description of BYU's favorite guy. He's equipped with the following:
  • Trucker Hat. Lying lightly on his head and slightly askew, as if to ask "Do I realize what I'm wearing on my head? No. But if that's all you're looking at, you're not getting the full show, baby."
  • V-Neck T-shirt. You know the one--it allows just enough chest hair to peek through to be interesting. Never mind the fact that sweet dudes wax their chests. That's not the point, duh!
  • Super-duper-tight pants. These are essential. Like the trucker hat, they're uncomfortable to look at and to wear. But Abercrombie says they're in, so Sweet Dudes feel obligated to wear them.
  • Sunglasses. The size of Toronto. These are presumably to protect the sensitive Sweet Dudes' eyes from the awesome glare off their awesome homies' awesome bodies...
  • Upper Torsos at least twice the size of Lower Torsos. Chicken Legs to Support Bullish Chests. Sweet Dudes only work the muscles they know the ladies like--arms, pecs, etc. If only girls realized that "Curls get girls and Squats make jocks."
  • A Tan, a membership to a Tanning Club, and a collection of Tanning Oils. Ever seen a pasty white Sweet Dude? Unless he's scared pale by the thought of an impending test, it's not going to happen. Sweet Dude must have a tan for wardrobe purposes. And to provide a sheen with which to cause the glare for which the Sweet Dudes need sunglasses
  • Nearly Clear Teeth. Peroxide strips every month lead to incredibly sensitive, but immaculately white teeth. Sweet Dudes make the sacrifice willingly to be able to flash that unnaturally white grin. So what if they can't eat hot or cold food? Luke warm is worth the attention wreaked by these perfect pearly whites!
  • Too-Strong Cologne. Polo. Acqua diGio. And lots of it. Mixed, if possible. If a girl can't identify it immediately and from at least 200 yards away, Sweet Dude's not going to wear it.
  • An Ozone Layer Hole right above their heads. Because of the pounds of hair product in their unnaturally blonde locks, Sweet Dudes get the added benefit of getting tanner quicker than the rest of us. Ultraviolet is ultra sweet, homey!
  • Small dogs. For some reason, Sweet Dudes, like Paris Hilton, love little yappy dogs. Chihuahas, Poodles, Beagles, the whole gammut. This shows the girls that they are sensitive, and that if the girls could only unleash this sensitive side of these incredibly sculpted men, they could have the perfect guy. Of course it's just a ruse! But that just shows that Sweet Dudes are self-conscious and concerned.
  • Trophy Girl. This is the hot blonde that goes to the gym wearing more makeup than she had on pre-gym. Even as she nimbly weaves her way through the weights and aerobic machines to get to the drinking fountain, her hair is immaculate, her nails a work of art, and her gym clothes just the right mix of comfortably revealing. Sweet Dudes must have Trophy Girls near them or flirting with them at all times. Otherwise, they feel uncomfortable, nauseous, and a wee bit unsexy.
  • Awesome Girl. Each Sweet Dude has an Awesome Girl who is gaga for him and who would be great for him. She's smart, sweet, funny, caring, beautiful (as opposed to just "hot"), and the proverbial "catch." She loves Sweet Dude in spite of his insecurities and laughably skinny calves. Sweet Dude, in all reality, loves her too, but can't let her know that. How would that look to Trophy Girl and the other Sweet Dudes?! Occasionally, Sweet Dudes make it out of the Sweet Phase and realize that Awesome Girl is really awesome, and they live happily ever after. More often, however, Sweet Dude loses his hair at 25, joins Business Buddy's Multi-Level-Marketing scheme, and spend the rest of his life convincing people around him to buy his products with the conviction that one day, money, like his calves and his hair, will magically appear.
(3) The Economy Would this thing just settle down and become predictable? I mean, come on!!! (4) Over-Seriosity You know. When something's funny, but people make it serious. Like when I was in Evidence class one time and we read a case about whether a dog could testify at trial or not-- the dog was referred to as a "she-bitch" in the case book. This is a semantically correct usage of the word, but nevertheless, our professor relished his chance to say a seemingly "naughty" word in class. So he used it a few times to great comedic effect. We all loved it, not often having the chance to say "naughty" words in a professional context at a relatively stuffy University. With most of the class in a tizzy of giggles and guffaws, the girl sitting next to me leans over and says in a hushed, disgusted tone "He's just saying it so he can swear...gosh!" That last part raised a whole new question for me, but I'm proud to say that I just laughed in her face and said "Yep. He is." (5) The Wannabe Sweet Dude at the Wilk who Plays the SAME John Schmidt Song on the Slightly Out-of-Tune Piano and is Convinced That if he Continues to do so, the Girl of his Dreams is Going to Walk up to him at the Piano and say "Hey! Isn't That John Schmidt?! I Love that Guy! Will you Take me out Right Now so we can Steadily Progress on a Path of Courtship that Leads Towards Marriage and Eternal Bliss?" Yeah, you know this guy. (6) The Business Student who is Convinced that the Greatest Charity he can Give to the World is not, Actually, Giving of his Time and Talents in Service to Others, but in Fact Making as Much Money as Humanly Possible--Merrily Stepping on, Gleefully Stabbing, and Meekly Betraying Others Who Carry the Same Charitable Notion, all the While Carrying a Humble Prayer in his Humble Heart--Knowing That his Tithing and the job Opportunities his MLM Creates can do his Charity for him While he Sips Virgin Margaritas on his Private Island. I know you know this guy, too. And just so you all know that I'm not an entirely embittered, lonely soul with nothing better to do than complain, some... THINGS I LOVE (1) Fall in Utah. This picture captures a lot of it. Autumn colors, fishing, rivers, mountains. Nature in general. Just gorgeous. (2) Michael Goldsmith Classes and Quotes. Hands down, one of the best professors I've ever had in my life, Professor Goldsmith came to BYU Law via...well...I don't know what brought him to BYU. He was an NYC prosecutor for years. After writing his own textbook on evidence, I can only presume he became a full-time professor of law. After that, it's a mystery... Regardless, the man is brilliant. And not only that, he is also one of the best lecturers I've had the pleasure to listen to. A self-described "New York Jew in Mormon Utah," he also happens to maintain the greatest sense of humor I've ever come across. Some of his quotes (curtesy of Ms. Kathleen Cannon):
  • (On the propensity of students to play games on their laptops in class) "I'm not opposed to playing games. If you want to play solitaire, bring a deck of cards."
  • (On his work as a criminal defense attorney) "I represented a prostitute, and some of her activities were highly aerobic."
  • (On Law students who don't read carefully) "The children of lawyers who don't read footnotes will STARVE."
  • (On Marriage) "They met at a Communist party get together. Not exactly the wardhouse, but still pretty romantic."
  • (On ethics and the law) "You never tell your clients to lie. That's unethical. You say, 'Well, here is a potential, credible story that we hope is true.'"
  • (On moving violations) "When you get caught speeding, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Say, 'IF I was speeding, I am sorry.' ADMIT NOTHING."
  • (On required gospel insights in class) "Let me give you a hypothetical. Jesus goes to law school, graduates, what does He do? Criminal prosecution or defense? That's right, he's defending these monsters. He's a defense attorney. That's my gospel insight for the day."
  • (To a smart aleck in class) "This is my job. I'm just trying to do my job, and you're giving me a hard time. I don't give you a hard time with your job. I just order my burger and fries."
  • (On the Passover and Law School) Prof: Passover is coming! Have you been thinking about it? Student: No, Ive been busy preparing food for it all week. Prof: Your excuse fails, because the law requires the lamb to be boiled not roasted, so it must be done quickly. Your excuse fails like the little boy who lost his CTR ring."
  • (On Politics) "A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail. Of course, a conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged."
Michael Goldsmith, everybody. Favorite Law Professor ever. And earlier this semester, he informed us that he has been diagnosed with Lou Gherig's Disease. Despite that diagnosis, he comes to class prepared, passionate, and savvy as always. BYU won't be the same when he leaves. Nor will the thousands he touched. Isn't that the measure of a life well-lived?


Erin said...

Love the quotes from your law professor.

gurrbonzo said...

bahahahaha! I have so much rage towards that business student that just reading that made me angrily cross-eyed.

Also, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the passover quote is from Welch, and the credible story we hope is true is from Melendez, but I DO still love Goldsmith very much and envy you if you have other classes from him.

gurrbonzo said...

Also, that sweet dude description = priceless.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, the Sweet Dude description wins all. It wouldn't have been complete without the MLM addition in there. I love that you are so thorough.

ebv said...

Kathleen-- darn. Those quotes sound so much better coming from Goldsmith. I swear, I could hear them leaving his mouth...

sally said...

I do believe it was Shaina Martinez who first coined the term "Sweet Dude".
Also, I didn't know that about Professor Goldsmith, that is so sad! I love him!

Catherine said...

Great blog. I hate to admit it, but I think we've got lots of those "Sweet Dudes" up here at the U.

As for your professor's Lou Gherig's, sorry to hear. We have a close family friend with the same diagnosis.

madelyn said...

Another great post. Keep 'em coming. It sounds like your professor is a fantastic person that I would love to meet.

t.t.turner said...

Absolutely LOVE this post. You are hilarious. Your sweet dude descriptions were PERFECT.

SteveJJohnson said...

lol @ #5

Steve, Liz, Jaxon and Peyton said...

Eric I always thought you were one of those Sweet Dudes? Did something change?

Kari said...

I LOVE WHEN YOU MENTION ME. Why am I such a narcissus? That being said, ha ha ha. Good one. I know those business guys SO well, and of course I know the sweet dudes. Also, love Goldsmith although I might never forgive him for making me read and then giving me a bad grade. :)

Robbie and Margot said...

Professor Goldsmith was definitely one of my favorites. Great guy, and I can say I remember some of those quotes quite well. It was always a relief to find a guy with a real sense of humor, especially one that will go out and prosecute the mob!