8.30.2008

Five Reasons I'm NOT Excited to go Back to School

1. My Earliest Class is 10 am Did I really think this was super late to start a class? That I was gonna roll out of bed at nine o'clock, refreshed and ready to take the world by the horns? One week in, and waking up at nine o'clock seems like a chore. A job. A restriction on the freedoms I thought I would soooooo enjoy. However, that first class did produce the irony quote of the week: 1st Amendment Professor (wearing business attire) : "So how would you feel in an environment where someone or some entity tried to stifle, restrict, or otherwise govern your speech?" 1st Amendment Student (wearing "Quest for Perfection" BYU Football T-Shirt): "Oh, I would just be so super offended if someone or some organization tried to limit my speech in any way. It's just fundamentally offensive." 1st Amendment Class (wearing puzzled, yet bemused grins, thinking): Did that JUST happen?! Ah, I missed this place... 2. Provo For a city that prides itself on being home of the "Berkley of the West," Provo sure hasn't figured out that it exists because of the BYU students who flock here in Autumn like some wild herd of EFY buffalo, not in spite of them. My favorite anti-student legislation passed in the city of Provo in recent months: Provo Residential Areas require motorists to have certain types of passes to park in them past a certain time. Reasoning? Non-students are fed up with Students parking in front of their homes. Reason for Students parking in front of Non-Student homes? Because they don't have enough parking space at their apartment complexes or on campus. Reason for there not being enough parking space on campus or at apartment complexes? Provo city does not adequately enforce parking standards at the complexes that students reside in. Solution? Provo city tries to fix the problem it has created by creating another problem that will undoubtedly have other, less pleasant side-effects. IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE CITY IS BITTER THAT BYU STUDENTS ARE HERE...PUMPING MONEY INTO ITS REGISTERS AND CACHES AND BUDGETS. WHICH IS ALMOST LIKE SOMEONE BEING BITTER THAT THEIR HEART IS BEATING IN THEIR CHEST... Dude, without that thing, you ain't going nowhere... 3. BYU Football Fans Who: a) Aren't Me; b) Aren't MY Friends; c) Aren't Cute; d) Aren't Funny; e) Aren't Smart; f) Are Obnoxious Two things to note about BYU Football Fans: 1. 90% of them are great, smart, fun, friendly, cute, funny, pleasurable, etc. It's the other 10% I cringe about... 2. Of that 10%, the most egregious violators of the ebv-cringe factor are: a. The Baby Mommy Blogger Football Fanatics. They come, they bring baby, forget to bring a blanket/shade/bottle/diaper/brain and look absolutely disgusted with life when they realize that the football stadium is not Baby Mommy Blogger friendly. Can't they at least install the diaper surfboad thingys in the bathroom?!! Darn that perfect husband for making Baby Mommy Blogger come out to the stadium with Baby Mommy Blogger Baby! b. The Fan Coach. My sister Kirsti pointed this one out to me yesterday. You know the guy. The one who yells at the field and the players and the fans and the refs and the grass and the football. AND FULLY EXPECTS THESE PEOPLE AND INANIMATE OBJECTS TO COMPLY WITH HIS DEMANDS. And is convinced he's an absolute genius when the defense "Finally Got to The Quarterback, Bro!" just like he told them to do since the first second of the first quarter. And is absolutely crestfallen when he realizes that these people and inanimate objects do their jobs better than he can, even when all the football has to do to comply with the demands of its nature is exist. Yeah. He's annoying. c. The Flirty Fan. This is an equal opportunity BYU Football Fan. The one who shows up to the game wearing his/her favorite too-tight shorts, which go perfectly with his/her too-tight polo shirt, which makes a good foil for his/her too-big sunglasses, which are obviously needed on a cloudy day because otherwise his/her too-tan body would look kinda silly. And they don't even hide the fact that they came just to scope out the latest offerings at the meat dep...er...BYU game. They want you to know they're in attendance solely to scope out the produce. d. The Not-Drunk Drunk Fan. This is the fan who acts, shouts, speaks, and sometimes smells like he/she is drunk. Only they're not. Which makes it even more disgusting, to be honest. e. The Fair Weather Fan. This fan will turn on the team at the drop of a yellow flag or a football from his running back's hands. This fan will also deem his team to be the Greatest There Ever Was When They Just Beat a Div. II School at Home. Their motto: "Why beat a good team by two when you can beat a lousy team by 24?!" f. The Weird Fan. The one who dresses up as Frodo and tries to start cheers in the Black Speech of Mordor; who also wets himself when he hears the strains of Howard Shore's score to the Lord of the Rings played by the BYU band. I actually LOVE this fan, but I know people who don't... f. The Righteous Fan. This winner is convinced that the Lord's University must also be the Lord's Sports Team. Included in this notion are such dogmatic gems as: i. God plays favorites ii. Personal Righteousness will win you whatever you want--including a touchdown! iii. Because a school is sponsored by a church, that school and its players and overall athletic program are more righteous than the "other schools" not sponsored by a church, and thus not sponsored by Jesus. iv. God is a sports fan v. BYU must be the Lord's Sports Team because BYU wins every single event, game, and match in every single sport. Ever. Always. Amen. PS. The creamery ran out of Frozen Lemonade, so I bought a Sprite with a half-day's salary to share with my sister. CREAMERY! OUTRAGEOUS CONSESSION STAND PRICES!! 4. Diego's Taco Shop is Hidden Yeah. If anyone can find out where this place is now, I'd appreciate it. They have the most lovely carne asada burritos I've ever had in my life... and now they're gone. Oh, where'd you go, Joe Diego? Come back to me....please.... 5. Erin's in DC :'( 'nuff said.

9 comments:

Mel said...

Eric, my dear, thank you for posting. I love it, love it, love it. I've never been to Diego's, but I have to admit that I am totally addicted to Beto's carne asada fries. Probably not the same as your burritos, but they sure hit the spot!

Kari said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kari said...

You know that I hate it when you rag on BYU, but I know Diego's is now located. So now do a blog about how awesome BYU/Provo is, and I'll take you there. Or you could just look it up. Whichever. :)

AlliSMiles said...

your depiction of fans was incredibly accurate. except for the 10% part. i swear it's much closer to 90%. one more reason why i cannot stand watching the game from the stands! being on the field is 1000% better. cuz down there you don't have to listen to people talk about how "immodest" the cheerleaders are--and how they fail to see the blubber falling out of the 400-lb linebacker's uniform.

when does erin get back?

The Blind Men and The Elephant said...

Hey, leave the kid in the cape alone. I actually know him. He also posed for a drawing session.

Christin said...

Man o Man, is it any wonder that BYU gets a bad wrap? The football scene alone is enought to make anyone run for the hills. Eric I really want you to do a political post. I'm getting so into it and want to hear the EBV take.

Dave said...

Hey, the football games may have their quirks, but they are great for having alumni and students come together and celebrate BYU to the tune of screaming fans and the marching band. Plus, you get to see old friends!

Greg said...

WOW! On the money!

SteveJJohnson said...

Amen to 2, 3a, 3b, 3c, and 3f. I would get mad at 3e, but I just can't with the picture you put for it.