5.24.2008

Stephenie Meyer Sucks the Blood out of Literature

Erin read "Twilight" a few weeks ago, and gave me a library copy she wasn't using so that I could check out what she was digesting at a fairly alarming rate. I won't bore you with the details of the phenomenon I'm sure you're already addicted to or avoiding like the plague. Needless to say, this is the biggest thing to hit literature (at least in terms of financial success) since Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban first broke the boy wizard into the Muggle limelight.

After trying valiantly to get past the first chapters, all I can say at this point is "WOW."
What a load of grammatically incoherent, sexually repressed, Mormo-Victorian manipulation. I tried to pull my hair out after the first chapter, the syntax was so perplexing. There were times I had to read, reread, parse her sentences and finally edit them in my mind to make sure I was REALLY understanding what she was trying to say.
If this book had come to me from one of my ACT-prep students, I wouldn't have been so surprised. But from a thirty-something who has sold gazillions of copies of her novel and has been lauded as the American J.K. Rowling?! Pish posh, I say! Preposterous!!! Doesn't somebody EDIT these things? Or at least proof read them?
I have several problems with her writing style, so I'll break them down into manageable chunks and pray that the tweeners surfing the blogosphere comment to their hearts' content.

GRAMMAR
One stake out of Six.

That's BAD. Horrible. Want to start your novel out the hard way? Make four of your first five clauses unbearably passive:

"My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down. It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favorite shirt--sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka." Page 3.
Way to start a grocery list of "BE" verb monotony. The vampire was scary. But he was sexy, too. She is nice. I am scared. "BE" verbs are boring. You catch my drift.

But it doesn't end there, either. SHE MEANDERS LIKE THIS THE REST OF THE WAY! My favorite teacher of all time, Suzan Lake, taught me the two most important writing lessons of all time way back in the 12th Grade:

(1) "Passive writing is lazy writing--make your writing 90% active and 10% passive, and you'll be well on your way."

AND

(2) "Edit, edit, edit, edit, edit, edit, edit, edit."
Stephenie could have written that first paragraph more actively, more elegantly, and much, much better with something like the following:

"Mom drove me to the airport, the Phoenix sun smiling down through the perfect, cloudless blue. With the windows down, the wind tugged at my favorite sleeveless shirt. This could be the last time the white eyelet lace would see the sun; tucked away as a carry-on, my parka sat waiting."

Not Austenesque in its structure by any means, but IMHO, a heckuva lot more engaging.

SYNTAX and SENTENCE STRUCTURE
Zero stakes out of Six.

Dismissing her egregious BE verbage and passivity, I CANNOT get over Meyer's love of confusing sentence structures. This example made me want to put down the novel and chew some gum so I'd stop grinding my molars:

(1) While saying goodbye to her Mother, who tenderly promises to be there for her always, Bella notices something: "...I could see the sacrifice in her eyes behind the promise." Page 4.

OK, what I think she's trying to say is that (a) behind the promise, Bella could (b) see the sacrifice (c) in her Mother's eyes. But how it's structured actually, it sounds as if her mother's eyes are placed behind the promise and there's a sacrifice within them. Took me two or three reads to make sure what she was trying to say was what she actually had said.

When I have to reread something in a novel to make sure I caught its superficial meaning, that's bad. Mucho bad.

(2) "Flying doesn't bother me; the hour in the car with Charlie, though, I was a little worried about." Page 5

There's a little principle in the English language that we all try to abide by--it's called reflection. Whether you're conscious of it or not, you do it. And good writers abide by it. Essentially, within your sentence, and usually your paragraph when writing, you should ALWAYS maintain the same verbe tense (with some small exceptions that you need to clearly mark out) from verb to verb. Re-read the above sentence....

First clause--present tense. Second clause--past tense.

That's like me saying: "I want to grab a pencil and edit the book as I'm reading; I was on the verge of boring holes through my eyes with my fingernails." You can probably understand what I mean, but it would be clearer if I said "I wanted to grab a pencil and edit the book as I was reading it; I was on the verge...."

(3) "Charlie had really been fairly nice about the whole thing." Page 5.
Really?! Was Charlie really fairly nice? He had REALLY been fairly nice?! Are you sure? Thanks for emphasizing it for us.

And really, couldn't you have put "really" in a different place, Ms. Meyer? What about "Charlie really had been fairly nice" or "Charlie had been really fairly nice?" Why not? Put two adverbs in close proximity to each other, and you get into trouble... really, truly, you do.

Alright, enough grammar staking.

WORD CHOICE or JANE AUSTEN YOU AIN'T
Two stakes out of Six.

Even though Bella may be a teenager who grew up in a really fairly progressive city--Phoenix--and is now living in the Pacific Northwest, she has the lexicon of an eighteenth century Oxford scholar and has no qualms about utilizing it.

Unrealistic? Yes. In a modern-day, tween vampire novel? Maybe not. Grating? Absolutely.

Here are some examples:

1. Forks, the little town on the Olympic Peninsula, isn't quaint, little, or small, it's "inconsequential." Page 3.
So...like some kind of weird time-space differential twilight zone, no consequences ever result there?

2. The gloominess of Forks isn't persistent, overwhelming, or depressing, it's "omnipresent." Page 3. Sometimes, the Fork gloominess creeps up on you while you're reading the Sunday funnies and shouts "BOO!" really loud. But you're not scared, just annoyed because gloominess is always there.

3. "...it was sure to be awkward with Charlie. Neither of us was what anyone would call verbose." Page 5.
I promise, only verbose people use the word verbose.

4. Bella doesn't bring her Arizona clothes to Washington; not because they're too skimpy, or unsuited for the rainy, cold Forks weather.... they're "too permeable." Page 6.  
I thought only microbiologists, contact lenses, and Gore-Tex advertisements used the word permeable. Apparently teenage girls from Phoenix do, too.

5. Bella and her mom didn't put together their money to get Bella some, but not too many new winter clothes... they "pooled [their] resources to supplement [Bella's] wardrobe, [which] was still scanty." Page 6.  
Yes, Stephenie, and I'd like you to do a tetra-annual report on that in order to better utilize our brand and create a sustainability of buzz words that make us sound more possessed of intelligence than mayhaps we be. Mwa-ha.

6. Finally, Bella describes her new red truck as "bulbous." Page 8.  
Indeed, in the late 90s, before his career really took off, MTV's Xibit custom fitted the truck to resemble a tulip in an effort to get his show "Primp my Ride" into production. It wasn't until Xibit dropped the "r" in Primp that MTV finally gave it the green light.

OVERALL

I hate that people compare this lady to JK Rowling. Don't get me wrong--I don't hate Stephenie Meyer. I just despise her writing--and am slightly offended when anyone attempts to legitimately compare her to Rowling. If her writing were as immaculate, goldenly inventive, and captivating to all ages, sexes, and personalities as Rowling's, I'd at least concede some kind of similarity. But it's not. Not by any stretch.

And I'm saddened by what people will read in order to get a quick buzz out of literature. No thinking, analysis, introspection, or even grammar to worry about. Just a sexy, recast Victorian novel that appeals to the High School Musical crowd. Because it's got vampires...but it's safe vampires. Because there's no (overt) sexuality, no (explicit) nudity, no (really) naughty words, no meaning... just safe entertainment.

Blah.

Rather than as a comparison or colleague, Meyer serves better as a contrasting foil to Rowling, showing that while the two may share a similar financial success rooted in reinventing some traditional genres-- the played out Victorian Vampire Novel and the surprisingly still relevant Orphan Grows Up, Learns Magic, and Saves Everyone Story--they are vastly different.

Where Rowling is fresh, inventive, and so carefully plots, structures, and layers her books with a sophistication that only deepens as Harry gets older, Meyer is content with--and perhaps succeeds in--titillating her readers with action, overly gorgeous characters, and superficial, safely non-sexual foreplay at the expense of character development, depth, and good writing.

Now, in deference to Meyer, she is a multi-millionaire with a legion of fans so loyal to her writings, she could slap a dirty limerick down on a napkin and it would lead out the New York Times Bestseller List for weeks.

But that may be the most frustrating thing-- instead of exploring great literature, probing the depths of the myriad genres and sinking into the human experience that good literature walks us through so effortlessly, fans of Meyer's work seem blissfully content with her brightly packaged, obscenely good-looking story that, at its core, lacks a soul.

Like Bella, they're falling for a literary vampire, trying in equal parts to please them and suck them dry.
Where's my garlic?

233 comments:

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ebv said...

@ 6/07/2010 Anonymous:

Thanks. Aware of that. Feel free to read through some of the previous comments wherein we dealt with that issue ad nauseum.

Anonymous said...

I am a father who wanted to see what all the fuss was about. These books are laughably poor. Forget about the grammar, the method of moving the plot forward is mind numbingly missing. Much of the plot moves forward through psychic revelations of Alice. I got stuck in the third book halfway through as I realized I was truly wasting my time. At least the movies do justice to the books, by being just as inexplcably amateurish. (If any of are fans of Family Guy, the Twilight Series is equivalent in quality to the fine writings of Peter Griffin in the episode "Peterotica". Those of you who have seen it will know exactly what I am talking about.)

mavenMaverick said...

When the book first came out I thought of it as a fad. It was a big wad of fad served up in a silver platter and decorated with chocolate covered shit.

I saw right through it and smelled the shit. I had friends recommend me the book and I never got tempted. The idea itself of sparkling vampires, a girl and a warewolf really... didn't speak to me. For fucks sake, I guessed that the third book would be about 2 guys pining for the same girl. Was I right? I really wish I wasn't right. It took all the fun out of guessing.

I read 2 sentences of the first chapter in the first book hoping to shuffle through something.. SOMETHING... NOTHING.

I didn't even read the damn book to know it how bad it was. It just is.

Now how much does that say about this "literature".

Its a fucking joke. Don't call it a literature.

Kara said...

First of all, I don't have the best grammar and I use excessive punctuation that I probably don't need. Second, I love this post.

I'm absolutely disgusted that my peers read this trash and giggle behind their hands like little schoolgirls. I strongly dislike hearing about Edward being "omg so hot!" or Jacob being a "totally hot werewolf." By the way, he's a shape shifter, not a werewolf (it says so in the last book). I also hate being asked which team I'm on.

I wish this crap had never been published. The writing is atrocious and it seems like Smeyer is living through Bella, who doesn't even seem like a real girl. This book also seems to take a step back in time to where women worked in the kitchen and were virtually just a possession to be shown off. The relationship between Bella and Edward is toxic. She is so stuck on him that she would do anything. If he told her to jump off a bridge, Bella would do it. She's just THAT in "love" with him. Although, it doesn't seem like she's so much in love with him as she is in love with the idea of what he is. A vampire shouldn't be romanticized like that. They're creatures of the night who would rip your throat out because they have an undying thirst for blood. Also, the relationship between Bella and Jacob is toxic. If a friend is constantly badmouthing your boyfriend and calling him a "bloodsucker" or a "monster" (when technically he is too), you need to drop that sucker like a hot potato. Isn't their (almost) relationship illegal too? I mean, if Smeyer had given Bella to Jacob. He's sixteen and Bella turns eighteen in the second book.

I guess my point is: Only Anne Rice can pull off effeminate vampires without making them seem freaking ridiculous.

(Apologies if my grammar and spelling are horrible!)

KT said...

Meyer's writing is horrible! I can't understand this Twilight phenomenon. By page 52, I gave up. Edward's "incandescent chest" did nothing for me. Not to mention, he was possessive, rude, and a stalker. It's been a while, but I think I feared 100 year old men watching me while I slept as a teenager.

And, by the way, can someone please explain to me how a pale boy with purple circles under his eyes is SEXY?

I don't get it.

Anonymous said...

Stephanie Meyer's twilight saga is supposively similar to Charline Harris -stookie stackhouse books, which I enjoy much more than twilight.
I'm terrible at literature, so I not one to comment on it.

Kara said...

The Sookie Stackhouse series is way, way better. Besides that, it's not the only thing Charlaine Harris is known for. She has several series and they are all great.

Nykali said...

Dearest 13 year old,

every adult who does not understand how teenagers feel, was already a teenager. We promise, nothing has changed about that stretch in life. It's frustrating sexually, socially, and its all around confusing. You'll, (hopefully), wise up some day and start reading bigger and better things, like REAL literature. When I was 13, I read "Anthem", by Ayn Rand. It's short, something like 80 pages, and incredible. Broaden your mind. Dont listen to everything Mtv or the trends tell you. Thats how you become a sheep.

Have a good one-
Nykali

Anita said...

"...no meaning... just safe entertainment."

ENTERTAINMENT being the key word here! Why are supposed 'literary elitists' hell bent on permeating every facet of entertainment with a value of learning?! Just like some people drink for the buzz (often swilling low cost commercial beer) and passing over the opportunity to experience the nuances of fine wine... There are a variety of readers who don't need explicit situations or feel cheated when they cannot reread and analyze a story to find some hidden gem within...and sometimes these readers don't even need a polished product...they just need to consume something that ENTERTAINS!!

I read Meyer's books so quickly because they WERE interesting enough to hold my attention for their duration. They offered easy entertainment, I seriously do not want to be poring over Dostoyevsky while seated next to some other literary snobs!

And just saying: as a teenager (I know I am likely in the minority), but I use the word verbose, and others that MOST teens would pass over for the common slang/dumbed down words of today! I just thought that was characteristic of Bella's personality...and so was her 'misplacement' of REALLY.

Anyway, I DO understand that Meyer is not writing top notch material that will stand the test of time, but she is managing to entertain...and writing does serve a dual purpose---scholarly and recreationally!!

Nykali said...

Anita,

you have further proved our point. This is one of those rediculous 'battles' in which no one can win. Everything twilight fans say makes the twilight 'haters' more confident in their mindset, and the twilight fans, usually teens like ourselves, will be enforced to love twilight and stay away from the literature and Dostoyevsky-like materials because that is what 'snobs' read. Comming to this website and preaching your opinion as a teenager supporting twilight,is like flying to China and asking the residents to stop being communist. It is just as futile.

-another teen who DOES NOT like twishite,

-Nykali

Anita said...

Nykali,

I have NOT proved any point...I HATE agreeing to disagree!! Just so you know, I am not a twilight fanatic... I haven't watched all the movies, I don't have all the books, I have NOT read them all more than one time...

The reason I even came to this blog was because, I had not been discern that Meyer's writing was 'terrible' and just wanted to see why others may have thought so. And YES, by some of the examples given, I have a better understanding, but I still do not conclude the work to be utter crap! And come on, if one is reading Russian authors, they have got to be a little conceited when they see someone with their nose buried in Twilight... I am not supporting Twilight exactly, but just defending its value against the barrage of SNOBBERY! No one has to like the book, and the reasons for NOT liking it may very well be valid. But the fact is that those who disparage its content and style are so vehement in their ridicule...it is frankly ridiculous!! You act as though you are better than anyone who reads Meyer's works!! I happen to read a variety of dense material which I supplement with 'frivolous' reads...my tastes are not extremely discriminating. For me, it is a chore to read something like Dante's Inferno (however, it is rewarding and worthwhile)...whereas Meyer's work is kind of the very opposite. Each has merit! And I really cannot stand the extremes on either side: those who can read ONLY trash/fluff, and those who want to read only intelligent 'literature'!

Nykali said...

Anita,

just because an author is russian or writes with larger words, doesnt mean the quality is better. just like your arguement against....well, nothing. all i said to you was, everything you write on a blog entitled, 'stephanie meyer sucks the blood out of literature' defending stephanie meyer, is going to be ridiculed and disagreed with. you dont have to agree to disagree, and you dont have to like it. but it is what it is. get over it.
and, she is an AWFUL writer.

-nykali

Nykali said...

i found this on urban dictionary, from a twilight fan: (stephenie meyer # 12)

One of the best authers of are time

has written the Twilight saga the most amazing series known to man about a human Bella Swan who falls in love with a vampire Edward Cullen

also has written The Host



Stephenie meyer is amazing

Bridgett Healer said...

I am 11 years old, and i read Twilight when my friend recommended it to me, a few years ago. I hated it. But because of something called 'peer pressure', i just became a fan. But when i moved away and met some fellow Harry Potter fans, i changed my ways and saw the light. I soon realized just how wonderful Harry Potter is. Forgive me for my horrible grammar, i am young, after all (though i don't think that's an excuse) and English is not my first language. I care very much about grammar and punctuation, and i am pleased to say that many twi-tards cannot even write a sentence that is grammatically correct!

Anonymous said...

Ok this sums up a lot of my feelings. My poor friend from work has both his wife and daughter reading this tripe. While its good his daughter is reading, wouldn't it be better if it was an apple instead of bacon wrapped around a donut. All fat and nothing in the middle.

I have never seen such unlikeable characters. Luckily my friend saved me from seeing this when it first came out. It looked like an action movie from the couple of previews I had seen. Sadly it wasn't.

But not to worry I did find a way to make this bearable.
Rifftrax(use your favourite search engine to find it)
Its an MP3 file that plays along with the movie. Usually in a mocking tone. The riff masters are of MST3K fame. They make it a good laugh and comment on some of the same points as above. Like how bland Bella is.

The acting is bad, maybe not terrible but bad. Look at what they are working with though. I had the feeling the books would be damn terrible if the dialog was that clunky and cliched on film.
Much the same as the romance in Star Wars. But a book is usually better than a film. A bad source means a lot of work to make a good film. Which is why HP is a much better film series than twilight.

My post has more to do with the movie than the substance of the books. But as most people have the misfortune of being caught in the riptide of twilight, I thought they might enjoy a thrashing of at least the cinematic version.

Sit back for the Schadenfreude as they tear this thing apart.

Anonymous said...

I have to say: THIS was very well written.

I picked that book up and didnt even make it to the second chapter without wanting to throw it in the trash! I honestly thought it was written by a 13 year old! the same feeling i got reading Eragon, and even THAT was better than Twilight!

I get offended when anyone compares Stephanie Meyer to J.K. Rowling, what a joke.

And i am even more upset that almost all of my girl friends are now zombies!!! They actually argue to the point of never speaking again over who's better; Edward or Jacob. Now, im a total fan of Werewolves, but seriously?

God, i cannot wait until this story gets old. And like most stories with no substance, it most likely will...

Anonymous said...

I speak English as a second language. Despite of this I had to put down the book after a few pages. The sentences were simply hurting me. The biggest cliché collection I´ve ever seen... There are so many great love stories out there! This is not one of them.

Kat said...

In fan fiction we have a name for what Bella is: Mary Sue. A Mary Sue is basically either a self-insert or a character that shows no character growth and can do every thing.

I have yet to hear any reasons that go beyond "Edward/Jacob's hot" or "You can relate to Bella" as to why the book is any good. What I don't understand is how any one could compare this to Harry Potter.

Twilight has honestly made me worried about my own generation, and all I can hope for is for this to be a phase that will pass on once the last film has been released.

Anonymous said...

This is genius. I applaud you...Or rather I give you a standing ovation. However, I used to be a Twilight lover myself (I literally shudder to admit, but to my defense I read it in 6th grade) and I was obsessed with finding my "Edward" and the perfect guy. But love isn't perfection, it's about loving an IMPERFECT person. Also, in a story if the characters are perfect, there's no relating to them. I could not relate to Bella at all. Someone once told me that Bella was just like a Jane Austen girl, but have you read Jane Austen? Her girls are independent, unlike Bella, who is so dependent on Edward it utterly sickens me.
Also, she needs to do her research. In the forth book, she mentions a type of vampire (I'm THINKING it's Liboshomen...please don't quote me on that one...) that preys on attractive women, but in reality the Liboshomen (again, don't quote me on the name) is a Southern American type of Werewolf, at least that's what my RESEARCH has told me.
The fact that this stupid book is compared to JKR is...Well, there's not even a word to describe how awful it is. I'm in the process of rereading the Harry Potter series again, and the first line of the first book is better than all FOUR books of Twilight. There are elements of literature in HP that SMeyer can't even DREAM of accomplishing. Sure, she may claim that she used symbolism...but whoever uses the red dress for symbolism CLEARLY has no idea. SMeyer ruined the face of vampires and werewolves.

RIP vampires and werewolves and GOOD literature.

Anonymous said...

Mom drove me to the airport, the Phoenix sun smiling down through the perfect, cloudless blue. With the windows down, the wind tugged at my favorite sleeveless shirt. This could be the last time the white eyelet lace would see the sun; tucked away as a carry-on, my parka sat waiting."

It should be like this:

"When mom drove me to the airport, I noticed the Phoenix sun smiling down through the perfect cloudless blue sky. With the car windows down, I felt the wind tug at my favorite sleeveless shirt, but this feeling could be for the very last time. My favorite white eyelet lace shirt would be tucked away in a carry-on for a while." I am trying to figure out the significance of her parka!

Theatre Geek said...

You are completely correct! I read just the FIRST 10 pages of "Breaking Dawn" and have a notebook page full of terrible writing!!!

Here's one of my stories (it's called "Among the Lilies") and it has VERY little editing done. I've a feeling it's still better than Meyer's writing!

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/413296/among_the_lilies.html?cat=44

BTW, my captcha text is "inglic," and maybe that's the language in which Stephenie Meyers writes!

Anonymous said...

I have read about half the comments here and I know I'm adding to the 'repetitiveness' but I just had to show my appreciation!

After all the hype about these books, I finally got around to reading twilight. I finished the last page and immediately googled 'Stephenie myer bad writing' to see if I was as alone as I felt. You know a book is bad when the movie is better!

I am appalled that these books are making so much money when well written, layered, thought provoking ya fiction is pushed to the way-side.

I, like many, enjoy the occasional easy read, to read a story for the lightness, to be taken on a quick, fun ride without the introspection brought on by a well -rounded novel.
Twilight didn't even fit into this category for me as the terrible writing you speak of took me out of the story everytime.

Sorry for the errors I am assuming my post contains, I cannot proof read as what I am writing isn't coming up. My phone must be playing up!

Thanks for letting me rant and thankyou for putting so concisely what many of us out there are thinking.

Stephanie said...

I'm sorry I am a 17 year old senior in high school and my life has sucked in the past 3 years. Know I am taking student advantage classes at globe university, and the only thing that got me through the death of my best friend (16) and my best cousin (26) was the dream to have a life like twilight. To find a guy like Edward because the boys my age are pricks and immature. So stop smashing some one how can give a young girl a dream to find some one to treat them like they are worth something.

Nykali said...

@Stephanie,

I was fantasizing about prince charming when I was a teenager too. The fact is, that nothing about the book is real, and it never will be. There is no prince charming. These kinds of books are designed to be popular and well loved by girls like us. It's a marketing scheme and a poorly written one. Read Wuthering Heights for a good romance, read Wuthering Heights: it's a classic and it's beautiful.

Nykali

Anonymous said...

‘….and I found myself reveling in the aloneness instead of being lonely.’ page 54
Not ‘reveling in the solitude’?

‘I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.’ page 65… Um, the punk’s just cranky about not getting his way, and all you can do is drool? Well, Ladies, Susan B. Anthony just did flips in her grave.

‘Now my horrific day tomorrow would be just that much less dreadful.’ page 8
Too bad the editor didn’t put down the crack in order to make this horrific book ‘just that much less dreadful’.

‘I didn’t relate well to people, period.’ page 10
Nawwwwwwwww! Ya THINK?

‘They weren’t talking, and they weren’t eating, although they each had a tray of untouched food in front of them.’ page 18
If you say they weren’t eating, I think we can all figure out that the trays of food would be untouched. That’s like me saying, ‘I threw the book down and vomited into the bucket, and I wasn’t holding my food down, nor was I able to stop the regurgitation.’ If there’s one thing Meyer seems to love, it’s redundancy.

‘It was impossible that this stranger could take such a sudden, intense dislike of me.’ page 27
Oh, I wouldn’t bet on that, Bella. After all, I did.

‘Edward scooped me up in his arms, as easily as if I had weighed ten pounds instead of one-hundred and ten.’ page 97
*Pfffffffffffffft!* Here, dear Reader, there is no way for me to comment without sounding catty, but I really must point something out. The author is no pixie, and with her bone structure I can promise you that she never was. Therefore I must question what drove her to make 5’4” Bella about a size two? How is that relatable to the average teenage girl, or relevant to her story? This is shameless Mary-Sue-ism (of course that’s the proper term) at its lowest, and only serves to make her ridiculous fantasy even more pathetic. This honestly made me angry, because teenage girls have it hard enough without a book making it sound like a girl should be a size 2 in order to attract "Their own Edward". If being tiny attracts partners like that, then PASS THEM DONUTS, GIRLS!

‘Now that there was no longer the sound of my soggy footsteps, the silence was piercing.’ page 137
::all nine Muses die horribly::
‘the SILENCE was PIERCING?!’ In the name of the sainted Jane Austen, WHAT THE HELL?! I hate to break it to you, but that is a shameless misuse of the English Language. I suppose she also thinks that the water was fiery, or that the numbness tickled?

‘His faint smile was mocking; his eyes were still tight.’ page 171
Oh, Henry Higgins, how I would love to unleash you on this beastly woman… she uses that absurd phrase repeatedly in the series. Tight eyes? She probably means that the muscles around his eyes were tense, or that there was tension in his expression, but her phrasing is as clumsy as a two-legged colt.

‘I quickly rubbed my hand across my cheek, and sure enough, traitor tears were there, betraying me.’ page 190
I’m not making this up. It IS that bad. Traitor tears betray? My I.Q. probably dropped 30 points just reading that.

‘I waited for my opportunity, impatient, unable to stop my toe from tapping.’ page 436
I don’t suppose it occurred to her to try, ‘I waited for my opportunity, impatiently tapping my toe.’

‘Yes, I wanted to say. Anything. But I couldn’t find my lips.’ page 453
Where did they go, Canada?

here is a few -'vampire hiccups' i found on the net!!!!loved your article to the last letter!!!!!
enjoy!!!

Thomas said...

I know it's been said before, but just to be clear, passive voice isn't wrong; it's just tedious to read. In essence, passive voice is a style choice, but too many folks don't know how to make efficient use of it.

Your teachers seem to have been influenced by Strunk and White.(*) As others have noted (1), a lot of the advice in "Elements of Style" is bad advice.

Oh, and I simply must respond to this excuse: "The comment I made on 'passive voice' has been itching at me for months, but I didn't do anything about because, well, I already published it. And people commented on it. And I didn't want to go back and revise history." -- Actually, you should have appended this post with a correction if you want to maintain any sort of credibility on the Web. People make mistakes, even excellent writers who write for newspapers make flubs on grammar or facts. That's why the editing and correction process is there. Especially on the Web, where changes can be made instantaneously, you have little excuse for not editing and correcting your work, If you made time to write, you can certainly make time to edit, review claims, and make corrections as needed. Have some humility and a willingness to improve your work, regardless of medium -- take pride in it. As Thoreau said, what is once done well is done forever.

Footnotes:
* Intentionally written in the passive voice as to shift the focus away from Strunk and White to your teachers who influenced your writing.
1. Pollum, Geoffrey. "50 Years of Stupid Grammar Advice." 17 April 2009. Accessed 21 August 2011. http://chronicle.com/article/50-Years-of-Stupid-Grammar/25497

Anonymous said...

Christ, I probably hated the Twilight series more than I hated any other books or series now than ever! If it's not the books Meyer had wrote it would be the sick fans who would constantly talk about how great Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight saga are. Those Twilight pricks need to chill and take it down several levels. Because it's getting DOWNRIGHT ANNOYING!!

mywallyourwall said...

Unfortunately the masses can't and don't want to be educated. If you can't beat them, poke fun at them:

http://stepheniemeyer-physicalchallenge.blogspot.com/

Angie said...

Ah. I was about 12 years old when the first Twilight book hit the bookstores. (before the movies, before this sparkling-vampire epidemic)
I picked up the book, read the blurb, and despite the evaluation of a small self-conscious preteen.. I dropped it… and never bothered with it thereafter. I predicted that the plot was boring, it was another teen-romance book, that although being a teen-romance lacked the bouncy ‘funnyness’ of what is usually the redeeming factor of its genre.
I knew how it would begin, and I knew how it would end. The only thing that surprised me in the book was the fact that it actually became popular.
As Twilight became more popular, more of the friends in my small bookish circle started ushering my reading of it. Get over your snobbiness, and read the book! You will get addicted! They said. Eventually I relented, and in the age of 18, I read the first book.
Well..
My 12 year old self was not wrong. I gave up in-midst the reading. The prose was terrible, the plot boring. The concepts uninteresting and plainly said…rather… dumb, in the dumb-blonde kind of way. The character creation was unfinished; I was neither curious nor expectant of anything from the characters. Meyers herself does not know or does not bother to know her own characters I presume. Now as an adult, I found what genre Twilight really belonged to- the cheap Harlequin fictions. Something that should be bought for 10 pence a book, monthly little mindless ramblings with more adverbs than prose.. for those who are middle-aged and sexually-deprived….Of course, Twilight being milder version, for children’s eyes. But Still. Really?


To this day, I still believe that what made Twilight successful is probably a good business-PR by its publishing company....Although of course a huge percentage goes to many people's lack of perseverance to think more when they read. I see from the comments that many people have stated that they felt a 'teenage tingling' in the books; mostly due to a familiarity in the main character. Uh, the main character is pretty much characterless, I'd say that's pretty much insulting yourself. I'm sure as eloquent commenters, you all are, are much more colourful than the dead characters Meyers conjures.


Also, I don’t feel much for Austen either, really. But that might be my political side speaking, rather than my Bookiewook snobbery.

the best thing you'll read all day said...

Great writeup! We appreciate the time it took to describe the poor grammar and syntax present in the novels.

We featured a link to your writeup in a post on our site: http://thebestthingyoullreadallday.com/2012/01/27/down-with-the-leviathan/

Anonymous said...

"Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend." - Stephen

At eleven years old, I was reading Harry Potter and the novels from Garth Nix. My niece who is eleven was reading twilight. I'm very concerned for the intelligence, mental health and well-being of todays children.

Anonymous said...

I HATE TWILIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! That felt good.
Good? Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Haha, I really enjoyed reading this. I also felt that some of the words used in Bella's thoughts were incredibly out-of-place. I was more troubled by Bella's utter stupidity and one-dimensioned personality. With the adventures of Harry, Bilbo, Frodo, and the Pevensies(just to name a few), I was utterly absorbed in the story, as though I was standing beside the protagonists in their adventures. With whiny, mary-sue Bella, and "Oh-so-perfect" Edward, I was left wondering where Buffy was, so I could get her to stake the fabulous sparkle-boy..

..and when people try to claim that Twilight is superior or equivalent to Harry Potter, I want to Crucio their arses. :P

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