The Great American Delve in '012.
Bob your topic is - A 2012 debate featuring Rocky the Democratic Presidential nominee vs Hannity the Republican Presidential nominee 2012: The future looks bleak in the old Salt Lake Valley. The 9.5 “Quake in ‘08” liquefied most of the habitable Wasatch Front, and what was left made Rose Park look an oasis in the desert. However, riding the wave of sympathy for his adoptive state, Mitt Romney destroyed Hilary Clinton in the 2008 Presidential Election. The resulting Republican exultation was mitigated, however, by Mitt’s inclusion of Senate Majority Leader, and prominent Democrat, Harry Reid in his cabinet as Secretary of State. After a slew of Natural Disasters hit the nation, including a mass immigration of locusts and a surprising number of bloody rivers throughout the MidWest, Mitt garnered the nickname “Moses.” His cabinet’s refreshingly efficient approach to disaster relief, which earned it the affectionate nickname “The Relief Society,” coupled with his ingenious, Smithian approach to national economics, and his miraculous resurrection of Social Security (just make everyone pay 10% of their income into savings!) left Romney nearing the second presidential nomination period of his career in early 2011. Realizing the invincible nature of their incumbent president’s electability, both parties throw respective “White Elephant” and “White Donkey” get-togethers at their national conventions to talk about who would dare to even try to topple Moses Mitt or joke about who they could throw against him. Thoroughly sloshed from all of the Cognac and swanky wine being tossed about at these parties, someone from the Donkey party called the Elephants and said “heeeeeeeeeey, Dorrish! We’ll nominate that Rosky Andersin guy if you promish to put up Shhhhaun Hannininity as a potenshial nauminee.” The equally inebriated reply exploded through the phone line—“OKeedokee! Toga!!!!!” Thus was born the scene we have tonight, here live on MSNBCBS, MTViacorp, Inc. We thank those who have tuned in, and for those who have finally abandoned “24.” Welcome back to real life. As a special treat, we have asked Simon Cowell, former critic of American Idol, to mediate this debate. Over to you, Simon! Simon: Thanks for the invitation. I’d just like to say that it’s your pleasure to have me. To the nomination candidates here with us tonight, I will lay out one rule: Sing well. You may begin. Rocky: Ummmm….Simon, I don’t think that’s part of a good debate. Simon: Says who?! You? I’m the critic here. (Turns and raises his arms, showered by cheers from the audience) Hannity: I think you’re a great American, Simon, and thus I’m going to sing the Star-Spangled Banner! (Begins to sing. Cut off after boos drown out his cracking voice) Simon: That was horrible. Plus, I’m not even American. But even if I were, I would have left after that slaughter! I’ve never said this before, but I will now—even Paula would have hated it. Next, we enter the question phase. Each candidate will have 10 words with which to phrase their answer, so choose carefully. Who is your hero and why? Mr. Hannity, you may go first. Hannity: Why, any Great American who happens to appear on my radi… Simon: 10 words, you’re done. Sit down. Mr. Anderson? Rocky: (Carefully counting on his fingers) In all honesty, I have to answer: “myself.” I’m awesome! Simon: That’s refreshingly narcissistic! Next question will be yours to answer first, Mr. Anderson. What is your favorite color? Rocky: Any shade of green, and throw in a bit of blue. Hannity: To tell you the truth Mr. Cowell, I’m particularly fond of light purple. I find the mix of good ol’ Red, White, and Blue to be not only patriotic, but regal. That reminds me of the time that I got to sit down with the King of Syria and he told me how great America was. I had Carrie Underwood write a Country Music song to illustrate it in a great American way, kind of like Apple Pie in B-Flat Major. If we have time at the end of the debate I’ll play it for everyone. Simon: That would be…terrible Mr. Hannity. On to the next question: What is your quest? Mr. Hannity… Hannity: Really, I only have one quest in mind when I think about how great America is and how many Great Americans we have living in this country: Keeping America as Great as it always was and is for the rest of eternity. I’m willing to pay whatever price it takes, unlike the mayor here who just wants to travel the country and bash Bush—who has been out of office for four years now—Mr. ex-Mayor. That reminds me of a comment a soldier once made to me about chicken, biscuits, and hand grenades. Let me see if I can get it straight… (From the audience a woman screams “You’re a Great American, Shaun!”)…no, no, ma’am, YOU’RE a Great American! (A little bit louder, “No, YOU are a Great American”). Ma’am, I hate to disagree with you on this because you’re such a Great American, but I have to argue you that, indeed, YOU, and YOU ALONE, are the Great American. (To which the woman cheerfully shouts “Agree to Disagree!”). No, you listen here Auntie Mae, there is no disagreement here. You’re either with me or you’re against me. Which one is it, missy?! ‘Cause if it’s the latter, I promise you I will blow you up before you can even reach for your Ji-hadist bomb vest!!! (Pulls out what looks to be a remote control with a giant red button in the middle as the audience grows incredibly quiet.) Simon: Well. That was assertive, but I don’t know how I feel about the execution. If it were up to me alone, you wouldn’t move on to the next round, but thankfully, the audience has a say in this too. Mr. Anderson, the same question to you: What is your Quest? Rocky: I’m glad you asked, Mr. Cowell. My quest is 5-fold with a contingency plan in the oven in case it doesn’t work out. First, I’d like to save the world from pollution. I once watched a program which heavily influences my politics. In fact, I’ve adopted its slogan as my own: “Earth! Air! Wind! Water! (and Heart!)—with our powers combined, we are Captain Rocky!!!” (Throws his hands into the air). I believe that combining our own elemental and emotional powers, we can overcome the great evil that is global warming. I mean, seriously, have you SEEN the pigs that are dumping toxic waste into our tropical waters?! Do you know how many dolphins have died in the last year?! Second, and this kind of dovetails into the first, I want to save those really cute penguins in Antarctica—you know, the ones in the movie? Without those little guys, we probably wouldn’t even have evolved. Third, I want to see if I can fire or remove EVERYONE in my cabinet while working in another publicly elected position. As mayor, it felt a little bit like shooting fish in a barrel at the City/County Building. I’d like another go at it as a Secretary of Something or Governor even. Who knows? Fourth, I want everyone to know just exactly how much I care about certain issues. In order to do this, I need taxpayer money, lots of free time, and some kind of loaded issue, like premature baby fawn murders, or something like that. By exposing myself to the world while talking about these things in a very loud voice I can also expose the world to these issues. It’s kind of an Avant Garde thing, that no one in Utah would understand. Fifth, and speaking of Utah, I’d like to make the rest of the world know just how ridiculous the LDS Church is. I mean, Faith, Charity, Love?! Come on!!! I see Blindness, Guilt, and Repression!!! That reminds me of the time I was stump-speaking with Cindy and this guy walked up to us and asked where our protest permits were, and I was like ‘Uh-uh!!!’ (Snap, Snap, Snap), and we got arrested together. That’s what I’m talkin’ about!!! (With that last comment, Mr. Hannity’s Head explodes, triggering the anti-Human-Ji-Had-Bomb in his pocket, proving once and for all who really was the Great American) David: Imagine yourself on a deserted island. If you had to give up certain Civil Liberties in Order to be safe, which would you give up and why? In the alternative, would Sanjaya or Lindsay Lohan win in a Back-Handed Smackdown?