ebv

Flattery Will Get you . . .

2012-01-27T14:50:00.003-07:00

Everywhere.

Just ask me. The team over at "the best thing you'll read all day" just featured my Twilight critique on their site. Almost four years later, and this tract keeps plugging along. Bless good people with both good taste and good grammar.

Thanks, tbtyrad!

Ron-Paul-in-a-Box

2012-01-11T19:49:00.003-07:00

Today, I give you: Ron Paul.

Ron Paul / Charlie-in-the-Box

· You start listening to them and you get into the rhythm of what they’re saying (or the music emanating from their box), and it all sounds very compelling; it’s pretty catchy actually, and you think “Hey, I could buy into this, this sounds pretty…” and suddenly

WHAM-O!!!

Zaniness and/or a strange, poorly-named puppet erupts from the platform.

The Island of Misfit Noms

2012-01-10T19:18:00.004-07:00

At the behest of some very vocal friends, I'm taking up the standard again. Rededicating myself to posting more often. Rekindling the blogger's fire. Re'ing, if you will.

I've been pondering the state of national politick lately, and I was reminded of one of my favorite posts I ever created on this blog. Go here if you're interested in hitting the ebv in its zeitgeisty prime. Way back when, I was frustrated with the slew of politicians that were jockeying for the privilege of taking the national reigns as our President.

Now, four years later, not much has changed (although the DNC nominally has its man all locked up). We're once again watching the GOP slog through its nomination pomp and circumstance, and I feel inspired to share some politico doppelgangers. So, in the first of a series, I give you:

Newt.

Newt Gingrich / The Abominable Snowmonster of the North (aka “Bumble”)

Both tend to enter with a roar, but leave humbled, beaten . . . and sans teeth
Monstrously intimidating at first, yet ultimately self-defeating
Quick to reform and/or retreat whenever it is politically convenient (you don’t really believe that Bumble preferred putting the star on the Christmas Tree at the Claus house to munching on the little elves, do you? Ditto to Gingrich with his first, second, and third (a) wives, (b) religions, and (c) runs at the Presidency)

Utes Wynn Big Over Heaps of BYU

2011-09-18T00:00:00.000-06:00

AP: September 17, 2011
Provo, UT

Utah beat BYU 54-10 in the first September meeting of the schools in nearly half a century.

The BYU Cougars were crushed by century-old rival Utah tonight by a score of 54-10. Seven turnovers, a slew of dropped passes, several three-and-outs, and uninspired play calling doomed the Cougars on what was supposed to be their biggest home opener in decades as they entered a new phase in their program’s storied history—Independence. A riveting game through the first half, the Runnin’ Utes would go on to score 47 unanswered points en route to the largest blowout victory in the rivalry in over twenty years.

More surprising than the final score, however, was BYU coach Bronco Mendenhall’s post-game interview, where he revealed to the press his team’s “intention to lose the game and lose big.” Turning to his stable of scriptural passage and big-business buzz speak, Mendenhall laid out what he described as his “Big Picture Overarching System,” or BPOS.

Mendenhall, typically stoic, asked the gathered media to “recall in [their] minds” his statements made at a fireside chat in Provo held the night before. During the Friday meeting, Mendenhall had chided boosters of his program for choosing to grill him on his coaching decisions in the prior week’s agonizing loss to Texas (a 17-16 decision for the UT Longhorns) instead of focusing on the “bigger picture.”

Mendenhall facing his Pharisees and Sadducees.

Standing in front of boosters who dared question his coaching decisions “felt like I was in front of the Pharisees and the Sadducees," Mendenhall recounted. "Sometimes what play is called on third-and-20 is more important (to them) than what we're trying to do here. My hope is that you support us with your heart as you try to find what's most important in life and see the bigger picture, and join us in that purpose."[1]

Mendenhall described the moment as “epiphonal—a ground-breaking, revelatory moment, something I thought was difficult going in, but ultimately expiatory, especially in light of the fallen nature of the boosters and fans.”

With this backdrop in mind, Mendenhall proceeded to lay out his BPOS plan for the gathered media. “It’s a three-tier system of success that we intend to implement throughout the season,” Mendenhall said. “Beginning two weeks ago with Ole Miss, we hope to continu[e] the plan throughout the rest of the year in order to help our team and our fans grasp and achieve the bigger picture and purpose of our program.”

The Cougars coach then stepped away from the podium, pulled a velvet cord, and unveiled the three marble pillars of the BYU BPOS: Faith, Hope, and Charity.

“Even though our fans might not have recognized it, I’m confident that our team executes our plan perfectly each week,” the coach declared. When asked to explain, Mendenhall said, “With Ole Miss, we gave our fans faith that we could win against a quality opponent; in Texas, we gave them hope that they could compete with the big names of our sport; and in Utah, we loved our enemies and turned our cheeks to those who would spitefully use us . . . we laid down our lives and our game for our fellow men.”

Heaps trips over the ball and into the endzone, leading to a Utah touchdown.

Following a brief pause to wipe away a tear and muttering that he “promised [him]self [he] wouldn’t do this,” Mendenhall then explained to bewildered reporters that he was “very proud of Jake Heaps’ performance right out of the gate,” describing the young quarterback’s opening-drive fumble and cartwheel through the endzone as “simultaneously inspired and inspiring.”

Mendenhall also noted that he was particularly pleased with wide receiver J.D. Falslev’s second-half performance as well as that of his defense. “Our D[efense] was pretty stingy, pretty selfish in the first half,” Mendenhall said, “but once they saw the offense, and particularly J.D., give of their hearts and of their footballs, they came around pretty quickly.”

RB Josh Quezada giveth...

After this unveiling, Mendenhall took only a handful of questions, responding tersely to any speculation that his coaches had failed to prepare the team in the offseason and particularly in their preparation for the Utes. “I think that’s patently untrue,” Mendenhall bristled. “Like I explained to you, this game was designed and executed exactly as we planned it. If you don't understand that, that's your failing as a passive observer of the game, being acted upon instead of acting.”

When asked whether the team could have benefitted from the three practices he had canceled during fall camp because he thought the team was then “ahead of schedule,” Mendenhall scoffed. “We held scripture study those days,” Mendenhall said. “What else would you have had us do?”

...and the Utes' Derrick Shelby taketh away.

When asked whether Utah’s departure to the Pac-12 and BYU’s independence played a part in the newly devised BPOS, Mendenhall replied, “It certainly goes into the calculus, but as I’ve said before, we are a unique program with unique players and are therefore obligated to highlight that uniqueness to the world. It’s no secret that football is only our fifth priority, as it should be for our fans—who I think just don’t quite grasp what we’re trying to accomplish here on a daily basis.”

Dozens of questions were ultimately waived away by the coach, but Mendenhall did share one final thought with the press before making his exit. “The fans and boosters wanted a Holy War . . . ” Mendenhall whispered as he folded his hands and bowed his head. “I brought them a Holy War.”

[1] As quoted in “Y. coach tells fireside of bigger mission,” published by the Deseret News, Friday Sept. 16, 2011.

Not to Toot our Horn Too Loudly, but...

2011-05-02T22:35:00.000-06:00

... we just paid off the last of my law school loans today.

This clip seems appropriate.

The Final Four!!!

2011-04-26T16:20:00.000-06:00

Check it out, ladies and gents. Fictionist is right on the cusp. Stewbie's 8th Grade prediction is almost come due!!!

GEEK OUT!!!

2011-04-15T11:33:00.004-06:00

Middle Earth is back, everyone!!!

Voting Time

2011-04-14T14:57:00.000-06:00

Go here. Now! Vote. Enjoy.

http://www.fictionist.com/rollingstone

A Prayer of Thanksgiving

2011-03-20T21:12:00.003-06:00

And so we give thanks...

Our Jimmer which art in Provo,
Hallowed be thy Game,
Thy Naismith come, thy shot go down
in N'Orleans, as it did in Denver.
Give us this day your double cross-over
And forgive us our doubts, as we forgive your doubters.
And lead us not into elimination,
but deliver us from Florida.
For thine is the tourney, and the power, and the glory,
Forever.

(All rights reserved).

A Few Complaints

2011-03-10T15:55:00.001-07:00

I've come to a realization lately-- I don't blog as much because life is not crazy / hectic / karmically kicking me in the groin as it used to. In short, I'm pretty happy and content--more so than at almost any point of my life. You can blame erv for that.

While my literary ineptitude might be a little sad (you can't write when you're not feeling snarky, ebv?), I want you readers to rest assured that there are still things to complain about.

Here are a couple.

1. Cell Phones at Funerals

Really? Does this need to be addressed? Sadly, yes. erv and I went to a funeral of a dear friend a few weeks back and heard not one, not two, but three different cell phones go off during the ceremony.

Look, I understand that sometimes cell phones go off at bad times-- during class, in church, etc. I suppose that's part of the price we have to pay for easy, mobile communication. But is our interconnectedness really worth the cheapening of sacred events?

The Children of Israel used to take off their shoes when they were in the presence of God or standing in Holy Places. I figure the least we can do is turn our phones off (or to silent) when we're in sacred space.

2. Babies at Social Functions

A favorite saying of mine, thanks again to erv, is "Crying babies are like good intentions: Both should be carried out immediately!" Sadly, that's too often not the case.

This one is similar to the cell phones at sacred events problem. I understand that this might offend some of the baby-mommy-bloggers out there, but it's a ~~slightly secret~~ straight-up pet peeve of mine.

When your young child starts to get fussy during church, at the play (why are you bringing it to a play?!), a movie (see previous parenthetical), a funeral, or any other social event where focus from the audience is placed on some central figure and quiet is a rule, please take them out quickly and deal with it.

Yes. Your child is cute, adorable, bubbly, bright-eyed, talented, amazing, gorgeous, ... a literal superlative in baby form. I get it. But when your baby starts to scream and throw things, happy adjectives are swiftly replaced with one shared thought in every audience member's brain: "LOUD BABY CRYING!"

I think this is an evolutionary, unconscious response. When we hear babies cry, we are hardwired to want to make them stop crying. Make them comfortable and content again. It's a survival of the species thing.

But thankfully, we're not battling with saber-toothed tigers for survival anymore.

So, when you see numberless heads turning your direction as your child acts up, it's not the adoring eyes of jealous parents wishing they could have the privilege of changing your child's magical diaper (your baby's mess is even adorable!), it's the eyes of some very annoyed people who wish you would hush your kiddo and would be willing to do it if the child were theirs, thank you very much.

So here's my request: don't simply pick up the crying child and rock them in the middle of a meeting in the hopes that your breathtaking little angel calms down immediately. There's no time threshold here. You should not wait for five minutes to see if the crying goes away on its own.

Just grab your munchkin and walk swiftly out into the hall. Even if it means you have to bump a few knees and squash a couple toes on your way out, it's ok. We understand. Just tend to your little piece of perfection.

Because when they're content, so are we.

Homegrown Rock 'n' Roll

2011-02-15T15:00:00.001-07:00

I grew up with several of these guys and count them among my friends. I used to even jam with the lead singer. Needless to say, they each outclass almost every musician I've ever met.

They'll probably disown me as soon as they're huge (they're already way cooler than I'll ever be), but I present for your vote and your listening pleasure:

FICTIONIST.

Check them out before they blow up stadiums on national tours.

I'm Becoming a Couponer

2011-01-26T15:43:00.002-07:00

I know. Exciting title to follow up my weeks(?!) of silence.

But follow me on this one. If you live in Utah or are a fan of saving money, a dear friend of ours, we'll call her L, has started up her own couponing, saving, deals extravaganza blog: EAT PRAY SAVE.

It's like getting free money--all the time (kind of). And who wouldn't like more of that? (don't answer that, Tea Partiers).

Anyway, go on over, give it a click. There are some stellar deals out there today...and hopefully every day.

Like today's: Free Korean Barbeque plate at Pei Wei.

Belly: "Another free lunch you say? Why thank you!"

Brain: "Belly, you're sure getting big. Are you sure you need another restaurant lunch? Wouldn't carrots and celery be better for you?"

Belly: "Brain--it's free, you fool! FREE!!!!"

Brain: "Good point. Carry on."

Awkard People ... You Are Not Alone

2011-01-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

Before I hit my obligatory "Best of 2010" post, I thought I'd present this series of pictures featuring Stanford Hero, Quarterback Extraordinaire, and most likely future multi-, multi-millionaire NFL Footballer: Andrew Luck.

It's comforting to know that even the greatest of athletes and Big Men on Campus can be horribly photophobic (appropriate usage? probably not).

Ok, not too bad. "Hi, Mom!" Usual stuff...

Again, not that awful, but still. Begs the caption: "Do I haveta, coach? Do I haveta?!"

This one's getting better. I can just see Luck at the Heisman Trophy presentation trying to get in on the conversation. "Ha ha ha. So I guess none of us won it, right? Right, guys... hey...guys?! Wasn't that wicked?! Like...GUYS? Hey! Come on, guys!!!! Don't be like that!"

And then there's the coup de grace.

True art can never fully be described. But I'd sure like to hear someone try with this picture.

Christmas Eve Thoughts

2010-12-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

How awesome is A Muppets Christmas Carol? Has there been a more convincing Charles Dickens than The Great Gonzo? And "Wherever you find love, it feels like Christmas" might be the catchiest showtune of the 90s. This is a criminally underappreciated film.

TRON: Legacy was the longest music video I've ever seen, but maybe also the best. Daft Punk scored the music and Pixar helped with the graphics and story. It was like being at a crazy dance party...a 3D, PG-rated dance party. (Fret not! lovers of the original TRON. This one has a lame, incromprehensible plot too!)

Christmas Traditions are awesome:

Stockings
Christmas Trees
Presents
Christmas Cheer
Christmas Eve, which at my house growing up included

Pork loin
Stuffing
Bavarian Bratwursts, or Pulser in the original Norwegian
Rice cream with Raspberry Syrup and a hidden almond in one of the bowls
Christmas Eve Movies
Christmas morning breakfast
The Post-gift giving/getting glow and subsequent exhaustion and nap.

Remembering that we celebrate Christmas to honor the greatest Gift ever given and that as we reunite with family and friends, we have a Hope of reuniting again after our time has passed.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

App 4: The Happy Birthday App

2010-12-16T16:07:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday
All versions: FREE (ad-supported)

The feel good app of the year, Happy Birthday allows users to feel that birthday fuzzy any time, anywhere they like.

Included are popular versions of the "Happy Birthday" song, performed by such artists as Miley Cyrus, Paul McCartney, and Kanye West.

Easily record, playback, or peruse your favorite Birthday memories, such as:

The e-Book you wanted (Mark Twain--the Autobiography, this year)
Pictures of your favorite dinner made by your favorite spouse
Recordings of a choir composed of hugely talented singers belting out "Happy Birthday" to you
Cards, notes, and facebook messages wishing you many happy returns...

...and that's just the beginning. HB will let you live in the nostalgia that is your life at the touch of a screen button. Download it now!

NOTE: Thanks for the awesome birthday, erv. And to everyone else who has made my birthdays reasons to celebrate. I am a truly lucky man.

App 3: Forget Me Knot

2010-12-13T20:31:00.000-07:00

FORGET ME KNOT
Full Version: $.99; Lite Version: FREE

Ever have a hard time remembering what you're supposed to be doing, when? Well--not anymore!

Remember when you (or your Grandmother) used to tie string around your finger in order to remember a chore, avoid that broken step, or keep in mind the perils of jalapeno oil? Forget Me Knot allows you to tie those knots to yourself....digitally!

Forget Me Knot's patented GPS guidance system allows it to sense with pinpoint accuracy if you're approaching that blasted step as you proceed upstairs. For soccer-parents continually on the go, FMK can sense if you're nowhere near the middle school 15 minutes before Johnny is done with his marching band rehearsal and alert you accordingly.

But perhaps its finest feature is FMK's ability to sense odors in the surrounding atmosphere. For the lactose intolerant, FMK can sense the subtlest of dairy products in that delicious pasta you were about to shove down your gullet. For those who persist in tempting the fiery chiles of fate, FMK can even detect the level of heat in a chile and remind the user to put plastic gloves on for the love of all habanero!*

Simply program FMK to remind, warn, caution, counsel, or alert the user whenever the user is about to do something dumb, forbidden, or potentially regretful.

And, yes, for those of you wondering, FMK can even remind the most well-intentioned of bloggers that they haven't posted recently even when they promised up and down that they would. In short, this is the perfect app for the forgetful family member, friend, or coworker.

Buy now. Before you forget!
_________________________________

*Who knew that jalapeno oil could burn you simply by getting it on your skin?! Oh, jalapeno, how you seductively vex me!

App 2: The Utah Fan App

2010-12-06T14:10:00.002-07:00

The Utah Fan App
Full Version: 3.99; "Non-Alcoholic" Version: Free

For those Utah football fans looking to revel in the Runnin' Utes' recent successes, this is not necessarily the App for you. Although, like the BYU Fan App, you can find video highlights of the Utes destroying Alabama in the 2008 Sugar Bowl or taking the paint off Pittsburgh in the 2004 Fiesta Bowl, the real must-have content of this App is in its most ingenious design:

Cougar Tears

Cougar Tears allows the user to easily navigate, intuitively browse, and conduct the most advanced searches for those greatest moments in Utah football history: the times wherein BYU fans (and players) cried. Among these timeless tragedies, users will find:

34-31. Every field goal, every touchdown, every delicious tear-inducing play.
"The Duck", 2010. Utah's wobbly, deflated punt late in the fourth quarter of a game BYU led by five miraculously bounced off a BYU player and into the arms of a waiting Ute. Magic happens, indeed!
The Fan Drunk on Faith v. The Utah Cheerleader. Watch as the 250-pound Utah cheerleader gets sucker-punched by a rowdy (but rail-thin) BYU fan and then proceeds to pound BYU fan into the Cougar Stadium turf. Users have the option of setting this highlight to music, re-editing, and posting new mixes quickly and easily to facebook.
BYU v. Hawaii, 2001. A previously undefeated Cougars squad was pummeled on the islands to lose a potential Bowl Alliance Bid and renewed glory under Gary Crowton.
Gary Crowton, 2000-2004. Utah fans can relive every Crowton article, interview, and press release from the over-enthused media hype surrounding his arrival, his meteoric ascent in the Fall of 2001, and his ultimate and fiery demise in 2003's 3-0 loss to the Utes in the "Cold Bowl." (Warning: This feature may not be safe for work).
BYU v. TCU, 2009. BYU, then ranked no. 7 in the land and racing towards a BCS berth and perhaps a National Championship matchup, faced the Horned Frogs at LaVell Edwards Stadium in the game of the decade. TCU throttled BYU and, rumor has it, the "U" above Federal Heights mysteriously twinkled brightly for days (a celebration usually reserved for only the best of Utah victories).
John Beck, 2001-2004. Until he finally showed some backbone in 2005, the previous iterations of Beck made even the most warm-hearted Utah fan delight in his despair. Regularly weeping after losses, excusing his poor play, and wondering openly how life could be so unfair, Beck sole-handedly validated every Utah fan's stereotype of BYU.

Yes, Cougar Tears, like The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and A Christmas Carol, is sure to warm the warmest hearts of even the happiest of Utah fans.

Act quickly, as this Application is sure to sell out quickly...

...at least until the next loss, that is.

App 1: The BYU Fan App

2010-12-03T14:38:00.000-07:00

The BYU Fan App

List Price: 4.99; "Caffeine Free" Version: Free

This application allows the mightiest of loyal Cougar Fans to relive the glory days of McMahon, Young, Boscoe, Detmer, and Sarkisian. Video highlights include:

McMahon launching the Hail Mary to Clay Brown versus SMU in the Miracle Bowl;
Young catching a touchdown pass against UCLA;
Boscoe thrashing Michigan on an amputated leg;
Detmer flinging the pigskin for thousands of yards per game against Miami and Oklahoma;
Sarkisian lofting passes into the hands of descending angels as they flutter into the endzone;
Jonny Harline, alone in Rice Eccles Stadium, holding the ball as a silent Salt Lake City weeps;
Utah fans pouring beer. On themselves.
And many, many more 20- and 30-year-old highlights. (Well, maybe not "many" so much as "a few").

These video highlights have been designed specifically with the Cougar fan in mind. The videos default to "repeat" so that Cougars may wallow at their leisure in their storied history while simultaneously reassuring themselves of their peculiar moral superiority.

AS A SPECIAL BONUS, Included with this App is the surefire gaming hit "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree." Taking full advantage of the always sublime Apple touchscreen technology, Popcorn Popping pits Cougar fans against the most dreaded of BYU rivals, both past and present. Players must launch footballs from the George Q. Cannon to deflect team helmets, logos, and mascots showering down from above before the forces of evil can decimate the barely budding Apricot Tree planted at the heart of LaVell Edwards Stadium.

Players can defend the Apricot Tree against the likes of the blood-spitting Horned Frug, the piss-from-a-boot-pouring Wyoming Cowboy, and the beer-chugging, wife-beater-clad, chronically-unemployed Ute Fan.

Defend the tree from your foes and watch it blossom like a rose!

WARNING: in some instances, the BYU Fan App has caused Apple hardware to melt from the sheer awesomeness and holy glory that is BYU football. Think Raiders of the Lost Ark melting Nazis, and you're in the ballpark.

Holiday Apps

2010-12-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

We got erv a brand new MacBook Pro for school a few months back.

It's been a nice purchase. I hope she likes it.

But for me, the real fun came in the form of the "free" iPod Touch that accompanied the Little Notebook that Could.

Goodbye original 10,000 song iPod that was limited to four functions--Stop, Play, Rewind, and Fastforward. and...Hello Apps! You sexy little bits of pure data fun. The first thing I did, as any good parent would do, was look to protect and defend my our little iPod from dings and dents. Now ~~the~~ our baby looks like this:

Now our little Speck 2 can safely ride in our pockets without fear of key scratches.

But the relationship is mutual -- I we offer protection, and Speck 2 offers infotainment. Months later and I'm hooked on Fruit Ninja (slicing through tropical vegetable matter with your icy katana blade was never this much fun) and Angry Birds (they're birds; they're angry; and you sling them at green-headed pigs (don't ask, just play)). I can catch up on the latest news and weather on KSL's excellent App or listen to a Jazz game on 1320 KFAN.

I even woke up early on the morning after "Blizzard 2010" (another disappointing story for another day) so I could grab the latest reports on my our iPod Touch.

With all that in mind, I've been thinking about some wicked amazing Apps that should be appearing soon on ~~your~~ our iPod, iPhone, and iPad soon.

So, in honor of the Twelve Days of Christmas, here come my Twelve Apps of Utah. The first, and guaranteed bestseller: the BYU Fan App. Look for it later today.

Sing!

2010-11-18T11:24:00.000-07:00

I'm in a choir. And a local paper did a story on our choir. And I like it. Read on below...

You can find the original story here.

Many thanks to Mel Sundquist, and of course, the Deseret Chamber Singers. We have concerts coming up, if you're interested. Details are at the end of the story.

___________________________
November 18, 2010
Mel Sundquist - Daily Herald

In a world where the "professional choir member" is an endangered species, many of Utah's graduated collegiate choir students become frustrated by the lack of professional outlets for their talent.

In an attempt to fill that gap in the lives of ex-choral members at Brigham Young University and the University of Utah, Rex Kocherhans started the Deseret Chamber Singers in 2006.

"The reason I created the group was because I was looking for some kind of way to continue the wonderful experience I had with the BYU Singers," Kocherhans said, mentioning that the BYU Singers is a small choir with 30 to 50 members. "That experience has its own wonderful aspects. There's a lot more individual accountability and responsibility with each singer, because you don't have 10 other people singing your part. ... So there's more responsibility, but also more payoff. ... You get to know everybody in the choir better, and there's a kind of camaraderie since it's such a small group."

The Deseret Chamber Singers are different from most community choirs along the Wasatch Front in several key ways. Their membership is limited to about 30 to 50 members, the majority of their singers are in their 20s and 30s, and they maintain a professional-quality standard while working on an entirely volunteer basis.
"It is a bunch of former university singers who loved it and lived it, and miss it," said Eric Vogeler, a tenor in the choir and publicity co-chair. "They want to keep singing and performing, and they want to recapture the magic they got to experience. That brings with it that amount of passion that you can't get from a professional choir. It's just unique."

Kocherhans agreed about the singers' passion.

"Most of these people are choral conducting masters students, or have advanced degrees, or degrees in voice. ... The amazing thing to me is the lack of ego in the group. They're amazing musicians, and yet we have such a great time singing together."

The choir will perform its newest concert, "Sing Joyfully," twice this weekend. The songs in the concert represent a wide range of styles, from Renaissance to German romantic to American folk; the general theme of the concert, however, is the exhilaration of creating music.

"The common thread through all the music is this sense of the joy of singing," Kocherhans said. "It has that common thread of the joy of opening your mouth and singing, and creating music with your human instrument."

Though both performances of "Sing Joyfully" are in churches, Kocherhans said that the venues were chosen for size, price and acoustics rather than religious atmosphere. "We're not a religious group; we don't advocate any particular faith of any kind. We sing sacred as well as secular music."

For the first time since its inception, the choir created "Sing Joyfully" under the direction of a guest composer, Timothy Workman. Workman and Kocherhans have a musical relationship spanning years -- together they were in a barbershop quartet called Reprise, which won the International Barbershop Quartet Championships at a collegiate level in 2001.

"He and I go way back," Kocherhans said. "We have a really common musical thread that runs between the two of us."

Kocherhans, who works in marketing by day, was previously conducting the choir without an advanced choral degree. He said that Workman, who recently graduated from the University of Texas in Austin with a Ph.D. in choral conducting, brings "a new level of professionalism and legitimacy to the choir with his degree."
In addition to its live performances, the group is recording tracks for an upcoming album. For updates about performances and the album, find the group on Facebook.

If you go...

Sing Joyfully

When: Friday (November 19) at 8 p.m.
Where: Provo Community Congregational Church, 175 N. University Ave., Provo
Tickets: Free, but with a $10 suggested donation

Second performance:
8 p.m. Saturday, November 20 at the First Baptist Church of Salt Lake City, 777 S. 1300 East, Salt Lake City.

Info: deseretchambersingers@gmail.com or search for "Deseret Chamber Singers" on Facebook

JAZZ JAZZ JAZZ!!!!!

2010-11-10T13:06:00.002-07:00

How much do I love Paul Millsap?! 46 points against the Heat.

I still can't believe I haven't watched them yet. That will change. Soon.

Bad Choices

2010-11-08T21:28:00.001-07:00

My wife tells me I'm brilliant...except when I'm not.

(Love you, honey! (And your honesty...except when I don't)).

In all seriousness, I make my fair share of dumb moves:

1. Turning on the headlights on my way to work this morning.

That in and of itself was probably a good move. A smart move. A safe move. But that's where I flubbed it. Entirely.

I left the headlights on. All day.

The poor car probably beeped at me as I got out. "Beep! ebv!!! Beep! Your lights are on! Beep! Beep! (you're going to be so angry when I'm dead when you try to leave work at 5:05 and can't really leave work until 6:00)! Beep!!"

Bless the bailiff who stayed late to give me a jump.

2. Trying to take out my contacts after cutting jalapenos.

Thankfully, I only made that same mistake twice.

3. Watching a scary movie with a sinus infection being treated with prescription strength Pseudoephedrine.
(Warning: Video Link "scary movie" not for the faint of heart).

I set myself up for this one. I recognize that. I didn't check the rating on the Netflix, I didn't know much about the movie, and I made the mistake of starting it alone, in the dark since erv was at school late that night and I kinda like scary movies, but erv doesn't like them and I totally respect that because they freak me out sometimes.

So the movie was chilling, but definitely not terrifying enough to keep me from falling asleep before the drugs kicked in.

And this is where things get interesting. I apparently am one of those people that pseudoephedrine affects more drastically than others. It makes me anxious to the point that I can't sleep, that all I can do is pace around the apartment wondering which is better--insomnia or sinus pressure so great I think my skull is going to pop. (Definitely insomnia).

So I wake up suddenly with the movie near the end and creepy things are happening and I have no context for...wait...what is she doing?! Oh, please for the love... (and I cover my eyes but have to peek at what's going on, because pseudoephedrine also makes me six years old again, apparently). And, whamo! The scary part really hits, I whimper a little, crawl over to the computer desk, rip the power cord out of the socket and turn on all the lights.

Then erv came home, and she made everything better like she always does. And then everything was well and good when I feel asleep easily in the arms of my beloved...

...until 3:00am rolled around...

...and I woke up in a sweat...

...and my heart was racing and I couldn't focus on anything in the room, and I swore someone or something was in the room...

...breathing...

...and that something would definitely possess erv as she slept next to me...

...and what chance does a guy like me have against ectoplasmic negative energy anyway without a Ghostbusters Proton Pack?!...

...well, let's just say that I cowered under the covers for the rest of the night in my pharmaceutically enduced nightmare.

CONCLUSION
In the end, I think my lovely spouse probably has things confused. I'm definitely more often not brilliant, except when I am.

Resolve

2010-11-01T15:43:00.000-06:00

This blog serves many (admittedly selfish) purposes--

Soap Box.
Forum.
Observation Point.
Comedy Club (although I wonder if everyone/anyone laughs).
Autobiography.
Couch (for potatoes and friendly conversation).

I realized today that I haven't written as much as I used to. A bit of me cried when I realized I'd lost a Google "follower" (see the widget box to the upper right). It was a little like being unfriended on facebook--somebody took the effort of cleaning me out of their life. Like any breakup, I tend to want closure. To know that it wasn't me, it was them.

But this one is probably my fault. In the whirlwind that was last year, it was difficult to find the time required to write on these things.

But now I think I'm ready to be back. Married a year, helping a lovely wife wade through her Master's Degree, working (and grateful to be doing so), etc. has finally fallen into a comfortable groove. It is, I think, the best groove I've ever been in.

And with that groove, I think I've finally found more blog time.

So here it is, my promise to myself and to anyone who deigns to read this: I'm going to write more.

At least once a week.

And I'll try not to waste your (and my) time too terribly.

Keep my feet to the fire, please.

It's Funny Because it's True!

2010-10-18T15:43:00.000-06:00

Alright, so I wrote the last post as a joke and as a way to exorcise the demons that currently torment the BYU Football Program and my fandom therein.

Well, after the TCU debacle this past weekend, I kinda wish the post were real.

At least the Utes are cruising. Right?

BYU Board of Trustees to Take Over BYU Football Program

2010-10-07T17:22:00.003-06:00

I woke up this morning and found this article. Imagine my surprise!

BYU BOARD OF TRUSTEES TO TAKE OVER BYU FOOTBALL PROGRAM

In wake of General Conference, LDS Church Leaders Assume Control of "Sinking Ship."

Is it timeout already for Bronco Mendenhall's reign?

Provo, Utah (BQ)

In a surprise move Wednesday evening, only days after his remarks to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints regarding fan behavior and civility in sporting events, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the Church's First Presidency announced that, effective immediately, "the BYU Football Team will be under the direct supervision of the Board of Trustees, from athlete recruiting to in-game management."

A press release from the Church hierarchy was distributed Monday evening, following a meeting with the players and coaching staff at BYU. The document was signed by all members of the BYU General Board of Trustees: Chairman Thomas S. Monson, First Vice Chair Henry B. Eyring, Uchtdorf, and board members Russell M. Nelson, M. Russell Ballard, David A. Bednar, Steven E. Snow, Julie B. Beck, and Elaine S. Dalton. President Uchtdorf represented the Board at a press conference following the decision.

Uchtdorf, a longtime Lufthansa pilot in his native Germany, amateur soccer player, and Second Vice Chairman of the Brigham Young University Board of Trustees, announced the decision on the heels of BYU's most embarrassing loss in decades--a 31-16 drumming at the hands of Utah State on October 1. "Put simply," President Uchtdorf stated, "the football team is not lifting where they stand. In losing to the Aggies, BYU effectively changed their course by, admittedly, only a matter of degree. However, in piloting parlance, a change of mere degree can often lead to disaster. We as a Board are looking to avert disaster and put this program back on the proverbial map."

BYU Pounds former PAC-10 Powerhouse Washington in Provo.

BYU started the season with an impressive win over longtime PAC-10 powerhouse Washington. While the Huskies had been the league doormat in recent seasons, expectations were high on the West Coast that team, led by former BYU quarterback Steve Sarkisian, could be a sleeper and even potentially vie for the conference championship. BYU ultimately defeated Washington at LaVell Edwards Stadium in Provo, upsetting the Huskies 23-17 in heroic fashion. With hopes high in Provo, little could the Cougars imagine how far, or how quickly, they'd fall.

With four consecutive losses--to Air Force, Florida State, Nevada, and last week's humbling defeat at Utah State--the Cougars are off to their worst start since 1973. Coupled with the surprising firing of defensive coordinator Jaime Hill, the BYU program looked on the verge of collapse.


Mendenhall breathes a sigh of relief.

In his remarks to reporters following the publication of the Board of Trustee's decision, head coach Bronco Mendenhall appeared visibly relieved. "Now I don't have to worry about the Xs and Os, team meetings, position battles, and film sessions. I can now focus more on the Friday Firesides and attending corporate training," Mendenhall said. When asked how the change could drastically affect the program, Mendenhall immediately quieted speculation. "If it helps our team execute at a higher level, interpose our will upon others, implement a more robust management vector, win the hearts and minds of the people, and achieve a more efficient point margin per defensive output, then yes, I'm all for it."

In a moment of candor, coach Mendenhall revealed to the press some of the reasoning behind the perplexing decision. "I think, ultimately, the decision came down to our failure to execute in crucial moments in the game. While we are improving, that trajectory of improvement, when calculated against a typical sine-curve wave function, was not upward to the point where the y-axis, and subsequent wins, could intersect the x-axis, full investment, this season."

President Uchtdorf, for his part, did not pull any punches. "With all due respect to coach Mendenhall, they have been awful. And this coming from a man who thinks playing football with your hands is silly to begin with." Following laughs from the press corps, Uchtdorf continued, albeit more ponderously. "President Monson firmly believed that he, Elder Eyring, myself, and Elders Nelson and Ballard could be a more powerful and protective offensive line than that currently constituted at BYU."

With a twinkle in his eye, Uchtdorf half-jokingly said "Believe me. President Monson could pancake [former TCU defensive end and consensus All-American] Jerry Hughes tomorrow. You wonder why we all laugh so heartily at his jokes...well, now you know. He's terrifying in a three point stance."

Kariya getting tackled; a common sight this year.

When asked what ultimately prompted the decision, Uchtdorf surprised the group by saying "That stretch play to Brian Kariya against Nevada on fourth and four. President Monson almost choked on his nachos. That's when we knew there was a problem." When asked to elaborate, Uchtdorf reiterated, "[Offensive Coordinator Robert] Anae called a stretch play. On fourth and four. And you give the ball to Brian Kariya? No amount of good living off the field can make up for poor play calling on it." After a pause, Uchtdorf, simply disgusted, summed up the frustration of BYU fans everywhere: "KARIYA!"

Details of the restructuring were not revealed in the press release, however speculation has it that Julie Beck, President of the Relief Society, will work as Receivers Coach. When contacted for comment on this story, Ms. Beck's camp simply stated that "As the ultimate source of relief for the quarterback, the receivers have a lot to learn regarding their role. We'll start on fundamentals tomorrow, beginning with charity, which in this context means catching the ball. We want the receivers to learn that, like charity, they never fail. And," Sister Beck noted personally, "if they do happen to fail, they'll be running what I term 'Called to Sprint.'"

The new BYU Coaching Staff

Among other rumored positions changes, speculation remains high that President Thomas S. Monson will assume offensive play calling with President Uchtdorf at the defensive helm. It remains to be seen what role President Henry B. Eyring will play in the revamped BYU system; however, many feel the former scientist would be a natural athletic director. When contacted for his reaction, current AD Tom Holmoe had "no comment."

Regardless of the results of this stunning decision, all parties agree that new meaning has been given to these lines in the BYU fight song, "Rise and Shout": As we join in song, in praise of you, our faith is strong.

Cougar faithful might just have received the gift they'd been praying for.

Religiosity

2010-09-30T14:26:00.000-06:00

I just took this test over at the religion site Beliefnet. It's supposed to gauge how and where my personal beliefs are based on a twenty question quiz. While I can see the relationship to Mainline / Liberal Christian Protestants and Orthodox Quakers, I was a bit surprised that my admittedly LDS-leanings are so closely in line with Mahayana Buddhism.

I knew I liked the idea of coming back as a cat to learn the essential skills of lazing and eating, but I didn't know that idea could creep its way into my dogmatic ideals. But then again, it's just a fun little quiz.

Go take the test. It's interesting.

1.	Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (100%)
2.	Orthodox Quaker (98%)
3.	Mahayana Buddhism (94%)
4.	Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (93%)
5.	Baha'i Faith (91%)
6.	Liberal Quakers (88%)
7.	Hinduism (87%)
8.	Sikhism (86%)
9.	Theravada Buddhism (86%)
10.	Jainism (85%)

The Ladies' Loo

2010-09-29T11:19:00.002-06:00

I caught a glimpse[1] of the Women's Bathroom at work the other day as the janitors were rolling through, and, well...

Ladies, you have a couch in there?!

And barca loungers?!!

This shocking revelation led me to question all the things I did not see as I passed the Joan:[2] if there are couches, could there also be masseurs, caviar, champagne, performing flautists, and bathing servants to care for your every restroom requirement? Do the Roman Baths still exist, unbeknownst to half the population?

My dear female friends, before I get too crass, I want you to know how truly lucky you are to have these amenities in your water closets. These lavish appointments, even a simple couch, finally explain why these areas are called "Restrooms."

I now understand why entire flocks of women migrate to and from the restroom during group activities. I can only surmise that super secrets and other important things are worked out and arranged there. In fact, in researching this post, I discovered that many important International Treaties have been brokered in the U.N.'s Ladies' Room. One must assume that this kind of social cooperation among women is a direct result of the comfort of your bathrooms

In contrast, your Typical Men's Room has three features:

1. Scum on the floors and crinkled candy wrappers from the 80s.[3]

2. Troughs and / or holes in the ground to carry away human effluence.

3. A sign informing us that we "must under PENALTY OF LAW WASH YOUR HANDS"[4]

This kind of atmosphere does not breed conversation. In truth, we menfolk stop talking the second our feet hit the restroom tiles.[5]

For example I could be engaged in a furious debate on the intersection of Free Speech and Free Exercise of Religion within the context of American funerary ceremonies with my fastest guy friend, legal mumbo jumbo spewing from our mouths at a prodigious clip, and the moment we opened the Men's Room door, our conversation would instantly and consciously be put on pause.

Would we resume the conversation after leaving? Of course. But our time in the porcelain cave is not time for thinking. It is business time, and we want to get out of there as soon as practical. No one I know is really in the mood to talk about the weekend when they're afraid of what creeping thing could be lurking under the effluence trough.

So celebrate your restrooms, ladies. Lap in the luxury of your loo. And know that at least one man out there will understand when and why you do.

[1] It was INNOCENT! They were cleaning the place… honest.

[2] See also the male version: the John.

[3] Twix wrappers are the most common, followed by Three Musketeers and Air Heads.

[4] The sign must have been defaced with either crude drawings or naughty phrases made by a 13-year-old (regardless of how old his body really is). Additionally, the fact that this sign exists is a sad commentary on the mental state of men in general. Do we really need to be reminded to do this all the time? Sadly, the answer appears to be a resounding "Yes, Dummy!"

[5] For the record, we men also stay as far away from each other as possible while taking care of our business. Are there deeper reasons for this behavior? Perhaps. But for now, just know that we all follow these rules regardless of reason; and we break them at our own peril.

The Way to Make Money

2010-09-15T10:11:00.000-06:00

Apparently isn't to earn an education, work hard, or even become skilled at your craft.

Looks like all you have to do is put together a contracting bid, lose the bid, and threaten to sue the State Agency that made the decision because "the decision wasn't fair."

Then you can walk away with a cool baker's dozen (in millions) and you never have to lift a finger.

Does this seem wrong to anybody else (alleged political "pay-to-play" schemes aside)?

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home/50285759-76/governor-udot-million-settlement.html.csp?page=1

Babylon or Zion? (part 2)

2010-09-09T17:24:00.002-06:00

My last post was mostly about religion. This post will mostly be about college football and sport in general. I didn't want this to become a defense of my "purpleness" or something about not being able to "serve two masters." However, I suppose it does help explain why I try to keep one foot in Babylon and one in Zion.

Mostly, though, it's just me riffing on why sports has become its own sort of religion and how religion (at least in Utah) has bled into sports. And why it's gone wrong.

I. History Lesson

A history of College Football in Utah. It doesn't need to be long. This should suffice:

Brigham Young founded the University of Utah a long time ago.
A slightly less long time ago, someone (not named Brigham Young) founded the Brigham Young Academy in honor of Brigham Young.
Not long after their respective foundings, the schools started playing football.
They played it almost every year, and it began to get heated when they played.
At first, the University of Utah beat Brigham Young Academy--a lot.
Sometime thereafter, the Brigham Young Academy changed its name to Brigham Young University--to sound cooler, or something.
Sometime after the name change, Brigham Young University hired a guy out of Granite High School named LaVell Edwards.
Thirty years and 20-something wins over Utah later, and BYU named an ice cream and a stadium after him.
Both schools beat Utah State senseless every year.
Then the University of Utah hired a guy out of Bowling Green, by way of Notre Dame, named Urban Meyer.
And like the Spanish Inquisition before him, Urban proceeded to drill, torture, and defeat the Cougars.
Urban was Catholic; the Cougars were Mormon.
Then BYU hired a guy named after a Horse. And he did well against Utah.
Then someone dubbed the Utah / BYU rivalry "The Holy War"; thousands of Crusaders rolled in their graves.
Oh, and somewhere in there, people poured beer on Max Hall's family.
And here we are today.

It saddens me that the rivalry has digressed in sportsmanship and respect. There was (and hopefully still is) something endearing, something unique, something special about the Utah / BYU rivalry. Time had it as a good-natured and competitive meeting that took place whenever the Universities met up in Sport.

These schools are forty miles apart. That's close. When they played, they played bragging rights and their accompanying smack talk; conference championships; neighborhood rivalries; and to taste the sweetness of victory or avoid the bitterness of defeat.

Friends and families could be divided for three hours on a Fall Saturday, only to reunite later over Turkey and Trivial Pursuit.

In short, it was a blessed, harvest time event.

Somewhere along the way, however, the rivalry got ugly. Religion--and its attendant biases and prejudices, adherents and detractors-- strolled into the show. People in Utah started to align according to their faith; they chose up sides and in so doing became equal parts self-righteous and hypocritical, pious and petty.

Now people--not everyone, mind you, but enough--openly hate on each other, calling each other classless, pouring beer on families, punching coaches' wives, stealing cell phones, assaulting cheerleaders / getting beaten up by assaulted cheerleaders, stealing statues, tearing down goal posts, getting pregnant, living in sin, stoning prophets...

You get the picture.

I don't know exactly when or how this happened, but it's here. Maybe it's been progressing that way for years. One thing's for certain: there's something deep and dark about the hatred that is oozing from the "Holy War." And I wonder why it's happened here, in the Valley of the Saints.

II. Sport

Sports are and have always been a way for us to safely create a microcosm of our society. A place where the rule of law is absolute and we have at least the feel of control. We can pour in all our violence, all our competitive urges, all our desire to win, be the best, destroy, etc. without actually destroying. Whereas the Romans got to watch their gladiators defeat the "others," we get to cheer on our Spartans / Trojans / Cougars / Utes as they defeat the invading Aggies / Longhorns / Fighting Irish / Wolverines. Better yet, no one gets decapitated at the end of it all. (I'm waiting for you to blink on that one, MMA).

But perhaps the most appealing aspect of sport is the sense that these competitions are fair. They are the Mosaic law. Eye for an eye, hoop for a hoop. No one gets an upperhand at the beginning* because everyone starts with the same score: 0. From there, it's up to you.

Sports are fair in an undeniably cruel and often unfair world. By way of example, the majority of Brazilians live in abject poverty. Many are one room, dirt floor, tin house, beans for all meals poor. But despite this, Brazilians make the world gasp in awe when they take to the pitch for World Soccer matches. I was in Brazil during the 2002 World Cup. Brasil beat Germany in the final match to become the "Pentacampeao"--five-time champion. Poverty lost out that day to unbridled joy and pride. I've never seen more deliriously happy, jovially drunk people at 8:00 in the morning.

All this was possible because the playing field was level. Brazil earned its victories, poverty and corruption forgotten. For one day, at least, the Federal Republic of Brazil could say they were the best at something and know it was true.

That's not usually what happens after BYU / Utah games anymore. If one team beats the other, it's not enough to have won. The sense of accomplishment somehow isn't enough anymore. The winning team and its supporters will often disparage the loser. The divisive comments--"I hate those guys" or "I'd rather die a Ute than win as a Cougar (or vice versa)"--are routinely heard, not in whispered conversations, but in shouting matches between victor and loser at the stadium, on the radio, and at home.

This kind of behavior is something like Achilles dragging Hector's corpse around the walls of Troy after slaying the Trojan hero in single combat. This act of desecration was so putrid to the Greeks that, at least according to the Iliad, the gods conspired to help defeat Achilles. But in "The Holy War", many take "rubbing it in" as par for the course. To the victor go the spoils. All's fair in love and war.

I worry that this is a result of the religious subtext that has crept into the game.**

(Thanks to Ted Naismith)

III. CASTLES and CONCLUSIONS

Bringing this all back, I'm afraid that the "Holy War" has become not a positive, fair microcosm of how society should work, but rather as a reflection of how society is working.

There were plans by a self-professed Christian minister to burn the Quran this week as some sort of protest about the planned Islam Community Center near the World Trade Center Ground Zero. Americans everywhere are sacrificing the First Amendment on the altar of the War on Terror--arguing that the same Islam Community Center planned near Ground Zero should not be constructed, and if it is, the builders should not be surprised at what could happen. (This is a story for another time as well). Religious people are viewed as ignorant and blind. Aetheists are despised as evil. Republicans ridicule Democratic values and Democrats ridicule Republican values. (Again, another story).

We Americans love to sort each other into groups, label each other, and ultimately (here's that word again) pigeonhole ourselves into a comfortable corner where we are surrounded only with what makes us feel comfortable and good. And justified in what we do and believe, reason or love be damned.

In the end, we build up a castle, only to be holed up in it, spewing insults down on those who pass by, who are not in our kingdom or of our kingdom. We shout to them that they are wrong, that they are misguided, and when they ask us to join them, we shout again that we don't want to join their search for the Grail, because "we've already got one."

We arrange ourselves into Bhuddist, Baptist, Mormon, Catholic, Ute, and Cougar. And feed our insecurities by hate. We engage in bullying and call it righteousness (or open-mindedness if you're not in a religious context). We are doing just fine in our corner, thank you very much.

And we are all the poorer for it.

______________________________________

* Unless you're in the BCS, but that's another story as well.

** Which is odd, because there are just as many Mormon Utah fans as not.

Babylon or Zion? (part 1)

2010-08-31T12:01:00.000-06:00

Growing up an innocent toe-head in Northern Utah, I (naively) assumed that everyone went to the same church as me on Sundays. We all just "went to church." When Dave Johnson asked me--in the 2nd Grade, mind you--what Church I went to, "Lutheran or Mormon?" I remember thinking Lutheran sounds cooler, "Lutheran."

Dave's response? "Huh. Cool."

That was that. Dave and I continued on with our puzzle (it was a She-Ra / He-Man crossover puzzle, for what it's worth).

Life was fine.

It was only later that my Mother found out my answer and informed me that I was definitely Mormon.

This didn't really come as news to me, as I recognized the name. I just figured that Lutherans liked Luther more than Mormon.* No big deal; I had bugs to catch or castles to build.

Nowadays, my innocence is gone. How you answer the question of religion--"You Mormon? You Christian? You Muslim? You Atheist?"--apparently pigeonholes you into something you might not be. Look, I get pigeonholing; I grew up in Utah, where everyone thinks polygamy still thrives (it doesn't) and dancing is outlawed (damn you, Footloose!). And it's not just from the outside "gentile" population; many Salt Lake City folk will treat you well until they find out you belong to "That Church" or that you're a "blind sheep," or "close-minded," or some such pejorative term.** Then you get condescending or patronizing stares that simply ooze "Oh, you poor, poor village idiot. I'd talk to you in my grown up voice, but I worry you wouldn't understand me."

Pigeonholing pisses me off, though. When I get those condescending stares, I try to glare back with my "I'd talk to you too if you weren't so convinced that your own world-view was superior to my own, hedonistic hypocrite!" glare. Judging someone largely on your broad, superficial, and usually wikipedia-based knowledge of their beliefs is like attempting to paint over a Van Gogh rather than appreciating it.

That said, however, some of the finest, most decent people I've ever met in my life were Catholic, Baptist, Muslim, and Bhuddist. These are still some of my closest friends. And, in general, we all maintain a healthy respect for each other regarding our spiritual and ideological beliefs.***

All of this serves as a backdrop to my confessional.

I belt "Ki-Yi" for the University of Utah.

BUT

I also rise and shout for the Cougars of BYU.

Go ahead, gasp. In college football terms, I keep one foot in Zion and one in Babylon. The ultimate sacrilege. That which is worthy of a spewing out by the three-headed deity of JoePaBoBear.

If this were Sodom & Gomorrah, I'd be a two-hundred pound pillar of salt by now.

I think a lot of my friends see me as a fair weather fan. Or truly a Utah fan or truly a Cougar fan, underneath that smutty veneer of the "other team."

I understand, though, that being able to entertain ideas that are at odds with each other is a sign of psychological health. I suppose the same could be said of teams. At least, that's how I'd like to justify it. But that's for another day.

Part 2: Will explore the deeper meaning of "The Holy War", why it's ridiculous, and why I love both teams but hate what they're doing right now.

___________________________________________________

*Which is, I suppose, true.

** I think I might have sussed out the difference between "open-minded" and "close-minded" people. Seems to me that neither group can tolerate the other, where one openly embraces its label and the other remains blissfully ignorant of its own.

***Yes, most of my friends are probably LDS. Part of that is demographics, part of it is self-selection. I see the same group of people every nearly every Sunday, and we are working towards several common goals, not least of which is community building. We try to watch out for and take care of each other (some more than others, and some more judgmentally than others. Sigh.). When it works, it's inspiring. It doesn't always work well, and as in life, there are road bumps. No matter the outcome, though, you tend to forge fast friendships and long-term relationships.

Does Anyone Else Get...

2010-08-12T11:34:00.000-06:00

Weird comments from supposedly Asian readers with ellipses links to what I'm sure are some type of Avian Flu-Computer Virus?

Yeah. It's annoying.

Everything's Coming Up Vogeler

2010-08-01T22:37:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking it over. I need to post more often. Life is busy, of course, but there is time to be made.

One of the reasons I keep this blog, aside from pointing out funny Mormon / Blogger / Utahn / American idiosyncracies, is to keep a lot of you updated about my life. So here's an update. A run down of, perhaps, the best year of my life. Ever.

One year ago this time, I was just finishing up the bar exam, trying to figure out how to convince the love of my life that she should remain the love of my life forever, and wondering just how I was going to make money to support myself (let alone the soon-to-be-permanent love of my life). It was stressful, and I was adrift on the tide of a bad economy.

And then miracle by miracle started to pop up. Here are some of them:

1. August 21, 2009: A job I'd interviewed for with a judge I didn't hear back from in May suddenly opened up again. And they offered me the job! How long did it take me to accept the offer? The measurement for a period of time that small hasn't even been imagined yet.

2. August 22, 2009: Riding the euphoria of a job and knowing that, at least for a little while, I could afford to keep eating and maybe even live somewhere, I asked erv to marry me. In an incredibly sappy, kitschy way that she just ate up. And it totally worked!

3. September 2009: Find out from facebook that bar scores are up--somewhere. Find out from friend where to find my score. Find out from internet that a lot of people passed and a lot of people failed. Frantically try to find my exam number. Find out from my email what my bar exam number was. Find out I passed.
I nearly hyperventilated in the ten minutes it took me to figure all of this out.

Later the same day, find out from letter that I passed with way more points than I ever needed to. Curse myself for having studied too much. Cross myself for having studied enough.

4. September 2009: Find an amazing apartment at an amazing price in downtown on Craigslist. We close the same day we see it.

5. October 2009: Sworn in as a licensed attorney in the State of Utah. Get a raise for becoming an attorney. Lose a lot of money towards bar fees. Still, I feel I came out better for this deal.

6. October 24, 2009: I married the girl that makes me still feel all twitterpated inside.

7. October 25, 2009: Relieved to see that the girl I married didn't run off in the night. Still hasn't (crossing fingers).

8. January 2010: Made it through tryouts and into an amazing chamber choir. Did we sing complex latin requiems? Of course. Were we snooty? You bet. But did we sound fantastic? Every time we warbled. (The band broke up in April, sadly. Probably in order to get rid of me. :P).

9. May 2010: Visit my little brother in Seoul Korea. One case of Kimchi poisoning aside (and it burned!), we had a fun, culturally enlightening visit. I have to admit, however, that having to order my food based on pictures in the menu is not my favorite activity. Nor does it always produce the tastiest food.

10. July 2010: Longtime Professor, mentor, and good friend, Tom Lee becomes the latest Utah Supreme Court Justice. Among such cool things as watching him get sworn in by U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas and later meeting and conversing with the same, I was humbled when, a few weeks after being approved by the Utah Senate, Justice Lee called me and asked me to come clerk for him in 2011-2012.*

Pause. Blink. Blink.

I stammered out "yes" in about five different ways and five different languages, rambled on for a few minutes about how "awesome...I mean awe-inspiring...I mean...Yes!" it was. And when I finally composed myself enough to say, "it will be an absolute honor" and hung up the phone, I squealed like a little girl for at least two minuets.

*Quick primer on judicial clerkships: law clerks have a lot of functions in a judge's chambers, but perhaps what Justice Thomas told me is the most succinct way to put it. "[]Our job is to make the judge's job easier." We research, write, debate, and basically make sure the judge is prepared in hearings and that his opinion sparkles with brilliance and accuracy. A judicial clerkship often opens professional doors that wouldn't open otherwise.

And, at the end of the day, it's just fascinating, invigorating work. Needless to say, I am completely stoked to get in there, roll up my sleeves, and work hard.

TODAY: And today, well...today I'm just grateful to be alive and kicking. I have a job that pays me money, I have friends I love spending time with, I have the greatest family in the world, and perhaps most importantly, I have a wife who absolutely loves me.

Things really are coming up Vogeler.

It's at these times that I usually brace for the incoming crap storm, but at least for right now, I'll enjoy it.

A lot.

A Very Special Sunday

2010-06-17T15:33:00.001-06:00

The Mrs. and I have spent the last few weeks taking breaks between vacations to go in and (sigh) get to work.

Life's hard, isn't it?

Well, one such vacation was up to our dearly beloved West Yellowstone and Hebgen Lake. My wife and I both grew up going to Hebgen, although we had cabins on totally different parts of the lake. We still adore the area and when we get a chance to go up there, we tend to jump at it.

Part of the fun of going up to Hebgen, aside from lake activities, hiking, cabining, and chilling, is the little town that is West Yellowstone. It's a collection of Mom & Pop stores run by long-time residents catering to tourists and vacationers. The most culturally significant places on Main Street include the Dairy Queen, the Playmill, and the local Soggy Log Bar.

In short, West is awesome.

Part of the deal at Hebgen is, if you're up on Sunday, you go to church in West (unless it's Stake Conference, which was the best Sunday of my youth up there). The LDS ward in West is a small congregation that swells to overflowing on holidays and throughout the summer. Usually it's the same ol' same ol' of preachin', teachin', and upward reachin' by a good mix of locals, summer employees, and Idaho/Utah residents spending the summer there at their cabins. It's usually tame...

...but this Sunday was different.

This Sunday was special.

We were treated to some very interesting talks from church speakers over Memorial Day. I'll only leave you with the first one today (The second merits its own discussion):

A young returned missionary (only a month home) from Maseo, Brazil, got up to speak for about 10 minutes. I'm always interested to hear how Brazil is having spent several years myself as a missionary and later working in Sao Paulo for a summer. Needless to say, I have an enormously soft spot in my heart for that happy country and perk up whenever I hear anyone speak of her.
Because he was speaking on Memorial Day, I get the gist that the local leadership had asked this newly off the presses Missionary to speak about his mission experience and, if he felt it appropriate, tie it in to some of the themes of remembering our veterans and the devastation of war (again, I'll assume actual warfare, but maybe, hopefully, an emphasis on spiritual warfare).

Wow, was I surprised. Instead of the normal spiritual powerhouse talk, we were treated to a 15 minute diatribe on

1. How a third world country like Brazil was not like America, where no one was free, and how the populace was fighting desperately to secure its rights against a corrupt government.

2. A quote from President George W. Bush on how America was a light on a hill (actually, I thought this quote was going to segue into something better, when in fact it just devolved to…), which he promptly equated to us being superior to any and all countries (natch!).

3. How this young man was so grateful when his airplane home crossed into American airspace that he turned to his companions on the flight and said "Now, boys, if this plane goes down, at least it will be on American soil! Yeehaw!" I can only imagine the reaction his fellow missionaries gave him. I would have loved to have punched him in the nose.

4. How America was the most American Americana of them all and wasn't America the greatest rootin-tootinest country there ever was, dern-it-all!

Writing that, I want to make certain that you understand that I love my country. Living outside of the USA for many years has only deepened my appreciation for it and dedication to making it a fantastic country for myself and the future.

But that said, man, this kid missed the point. Bad.

Missionaries are supposed to go out and serve. Love others. Do the whole Christian thing--that is, forget themselves, and sacrifice themselves to a bigger cause. For other people. Without a thought for themselves.

Or the country they left behind.

For example, I was so apolitical and out of the loop on my mission that when the United States invaded Iraq in 2002, I didn't hear about it until three days later. I was more interested in what was going on with the neighbors across the street (who, although very nice and interested in what we were doing, later turned out to be the front of a city-wide drug cartel... whole 'nother story there).

My point is this: America is great. We are extremely lucky and very blessed to live here. Period.

But to adopt an attitude of superiority, especially one that reeks of "We're in an American world (or religion) where we merely tolerate your presence in it", is about the most unAmerican attitude I could imagine.

As he wrapped up his rhetoric, my sweet wife summed up the young man's talk very succinctly, as she turned to me and whispered "Wow. That was right wing."

Yes. So far right as to be simply wrong.

A Series of Open Letters, vol. 2

2010-05-01T17:54:00.002-06:00

Dear Modern Family,

You make us laugh, cry, and generally feel good about ourselves and our family.

My wife thinks I'm Phil--delightfully clueless and a lover of accents and fun. I hope I'm at least a bit less pervy, though.

I think she's Claire--way too cute to be with me and well aware of that fact.

Your genius, my dear Modern Family, is that we can all relate to you in some way or another. We all have that in-law; we all have those uncles; we all have brothers, sisters, cousins, relatives, etc. who adore spending time with us, even though we all drive each other crazy.

And you relate it in hilarious, often zany ways--and we thank you for the laughs. But then you ground it in the familiar and the poignant--and we thank you for the life lessons.

All in all you just make us happy.

Thank you, Modern Family. Thank you.

Love,

ebv & erv

A Series of Open Letters, vol. 1

2010-04-30T13:09:00.000-06:00

Dear Glee:

You make me sad. Your last two episodes were weak. No.

They were worse than weak

They were the same contrived, plotless excuses for musical numbers that got you into trouble early in the first half of Season 1. My wife pointed this pattern out to me last night: "Sue Sylvester says something outrageous; Will Shuester reacts; the Kids act out; we all learn a lesson." And that's completely true. There were flashes of brilliance in the first half of the Season: the Rachel-crush episode (Pepper Potts!), the Puck-comes-to-Torah episode, the Sue-Sylvester-has-a-handicapable-sister episode. But the reason they were brilliant was the story: plot, dialogue, characters, drama, etc. The music was a nice accent for the story line, not the focus.

But now you've turned that around. The Madonna-centric episode was nothing more than a slap-dash plot written to connect up some of Madge's more famous songs. And now you're planning to produce more of these? The Britney Spears episode?! What, is her catalog so rich and deep that it's just begging to be storylined?

In the words of GOB Bluth: "Come on!"

Honestly, Glee, the reason I liked you in the beginning was because you weren't formulaic. No other TV show was quite like you. You were fun and engaging. You had relatable characters, hilarious dialogue, and plot lines that sizzled with both off-the-wall craziness and believability. The music, often, was choice and appropriately placed.

Then you started to follow your own perceived formula. And now we just get over-produced, often nonsensical music that was performed better by the original artists in the place of plot, drama, and anything else that could be considered a coherent story.

Structure and formulas aside, I have serious plot concerns too:

(1) Where is Quinn Fabray living? Her parents kicked her out months(?) ago and she stayed with Finn and his Mom, presumably... so, is she still living in Finn's basement? Is she out on the street? Does she live in the school gymnasium, fending off hobos and vagrants for the leftover Little Caesar's crusts? What the heck is going on with her baby? For the love of all that's silly and whimsical and used to make us grin silly grins, just tell us!

(2) Ummm .... do these kids just perform without practicing?

(3) Wait... that's it. There is no more plot.

Sigh. I'm quickly losing faith, Glee. Prove to me I should stay.

Signed,

ebv

I Have Spelling (and Grammar and Etiquette) Nazi Tendencies

2010-04-05T19:45:00.001-06:00

And I'm kind of proud of them.

But I also know they can annoy the heck out of people (just ask my lovely bride).

So, with that in mind, here are some of my biggest spelling/grammar/word usage/etiquette pet peeves. Please tuck them away for future reference. And, if any of these faux pas(es?) apply to you, be strong. Make the change. You'll be better for it. (My apologies to those who live outside of Deseret. Some of these peeves are very Utah-centric. We have our idiosyncrasies just like everybody else...).

1. YAY! vs YEAH!

Look, I'm all about expressing e-enthusiasm through texts, emails, chats, whatever. But when you are spelling it out, you must recognize that these two are distinct and different words.

Yay-- reads as a long a. Rhymes with hey and hay. This is the word people often use to express genuine excitement.

Usage: "The Legislative Session is over? YAY!!!"

Yeah-- reads as a shortened eh sound. The vowels form the same vowel sound as lamp, pal, and gal. This is the word people often use in replacing yes, or to indicate that they're going to do something, but less than enthused about it.

Usage: "So, Disneyland really costs 50 dollars a person?" "Yeah, it does."

(Note: sometimes, YEAH! can be used as an exclamation of joy. See picture above).

2. Proselyte vs. Proselytize

This one kills me, but up until about five years ago, I made the same error over and over again because, well, so did everyone else in Utah. I fear that this is already a lost cause. But I will not go quietly into the night. I will rage against the dying of the light! (at least for today).

A Proselyte is a noun, people. It is NOT a verb. A proselyte is a someone. You don't go "proselyting" and you don't "proselyte for two years" as a missionary, just as you don't go "mechanicing" and you don't "mechanic for two years" as a form of summer employment during college.

A biblical term, proselyte refers to an individual, "a Gentile who had converted to Judaism." In modern usage, the Mormon community--who can sometimes still be heard to refer to non-believers as "gentiles"--would consider any person who converted to the Mormon faith from a previous faith or state of unbelief to be a proselyte.

Proselytizing is the verb form, my friends. To proselytize is "the act of attempting to convert people to another opinion and, particularly, another religion." If you want to go out and convince Gentiles to become believers for a period of time, you will be spending your time proselytizing. NOT proselyting.

I understand that the Mormon community has taken to referring to proselytizing as proselyting. Heck, even my spell check doesn't try to correct it. But trust me on this one--at the best it's colloquial. At the worst, it's grating.

3. Answering Cell Phones in Meetings

Thesis: You know the bad rap the Millenials get for being tied to their cell phones, iPods, laptops, etc. We are supposedly incapable of going five minutes without texting, calling, or otherwise communicating with our peers. (This also gets wrapped up into the ages-old contention that we are infinitely lazier than our hard-working, salt-of-the-earth parents...who are relying on us to bankroll their retirements...but I digress).

In my generation's defense, I must admit that, in my admittedly limited experience, I have seen the worst phone etiquette come from the Baby Boomers and the Greatest Generation. Bar none. This includes answered phones in the middle of church. Ringtones that are not muted after the first three courtesy rings. And game playing during meetings.

Don't believe me? Here are just two of the most recent examples I've experienced.

Example 1: I was sitting in a very sensitive, important meeting (only held once a month), when one of the team leaders pulled out his cell phone like it had bit him. He hastily answered and everyone else around the table stopped what they were doing or saying. I imagine we were all thinking something along the lines of "His wife is sick" or "There's an emergency at home" or, at the very least, the cable guy was calling.

But no.

He held a five minute conversation with his "sweetheart" about how she should go ahead and fill a bag with canned food for the Scouts to pick up.

While the rest of us watched.

And listened.

With our mouths slack-jawed.

Example 2: I am currently covering the traffic judge position in municipal court. I like it because it's interesting, interactive, and different each week. Plus, I get to wear the black robes (power trip!). But sometimes, the job is frustrating. For instance, I get lots of excuses as to why someone failed to appear for their court date--"I have lots of classes and it just slipped my mind" or "I thought it was somewhere else" 78 miles from where they got the ticket.

But the most galling of all behavior is how many people answer their phones in court.

On one special day, a seemingly sweet old lady interrupted me mid sentence so she could answer her phone. Turns out, her daughter was waiting in the parking lot with the engine running, and could we please hurry things up.

Needless to say, I was not very much in the mood to be lenient.

Conclusion: Shut your phones off in semi- to fully-formal occasions, please. Or at least silence them. I don't care that the judge in front of you is "too young" or that the meeting you're sitting in is dull. You insult everyone around you and make yourself look foolish when you answer your phones there. Worse, you not only lose your own attention, but you distract others as well.

Kapeesh?

4. The "Wave"

When someone lets you merge your car into their lane, give them the wave. In fact, when someone does anything to assist you in traffic, give them the wave. It's the least you can do.

I think that for every bird flipped, there should be at least two more waves given somewhere else in the world. We would live in a much a happier place.

5. Obscure Latin Phrases are NOT Your Friends

More often than not, they do not make you sound smarter; they make you sound pretentious. Imagine if you will, a young man in a tweed sport coat approaching you, and between chewing on his ivory pipe and twisting monacle, utters (with a slightly nasal lisp):

brevis esse laboro, obscurus fio. [Sigh...].

Now, unless you speak Latin and understood that this man was simply trying to explain to you his educationally weary frustration, you missed his ironic point: "In trying to become concise, I become obscure."

What this speaker of dead tongues doesn't realize, however, is that a goodly percentage of the world knows he's using latin. And even the small percentage of the world that understands what he's saying thinks him a twit.

At my job, I see far more latin phrases than I ever care to see. And unless these phrases have become some kind of shorthand for a principle where the latin really is the most concise thing (e.g., quid pro quo or ex post facto), the latin just becomes buzzy buzz words that are trying desperately to tell you how smart they are without ever realizing that they are skimmed over and disdained like some bunch of grammatical mosquitoes.

All that said, it would be really cool if Google had a latin translator function. Then we could all sound smart, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

6. Using ALL-CAPS and Quotations "Marks" to Prove a "Point" Proves Another Point Entirely: You're an Ass

You've all had individuals do this to you at least once. This person sends you an email or text message that just drips with confrontational sarcasm. Something like:

"You had NO RIGHT to 'vote' me off the island!"

-or-

"I CANNOT believe that YOU had to 'go to your sister's wedding.'"

Look, there are many reasons that we write our language down. One of those reasons is so that we can express ideas to each other calmly and professionally when we might otherwise ~~backhandslap our best friend in the mouth~~ want to respond immediately and in anger.

Which is why it always amazes me when people can sit down, pour their immediate frustrations and temporary anger into an email and, before they've had a chance to rationally think about it, hit "Send to All."

I imagine that many relationships, careers, and maybe even lives have ended because of the simple click of the button and a few "quotation" marks and ALL-CAPS scattered throughout an email that never really needed to be sent.

Please. Let your cooler head prevail. Don't send angry emails for at least an hour after drafting them.

ERV

2010-03-29T18:40:00.000-06:00

Bless my in-laws.

It was 26 years ago today that they welcomed Erin Suzanne into the world.

Happy Birthday, darling.

May the next 26 be as wondrous as the last.

Love,
Eric

Fictionist

2010-03-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

New video from the crew. Did I mention I like these guys?

Blue-eyed Universe from Fictionist on Vimeo.

Twitterations

2010-03-07T20:56:00.001-07:00

Still haven't delved into Twitter. I have a hard enough time staying current with Facebook. Am I getting techno-old? Resisting the latest and greatest?! If so, convince me.

Wondered today what famous people (and other entities) who don't use Twitter would Tweet if they used the site...

@TSMonson: Don't get me wrong, but if I hear one more 747 spiritual allegory, Lufthansa is getting grounded.

@cbutt: lejislateiv seshun is goin good. Twelth Grayd gotta go!!!

@jSloan: It's days like this that I think back to the good ol' days. Heck, I even miss 'Tag.

@PoBAM: Let me be clear: Michelle and I have our issues with teleprompters.

@GBeckStar: Just heard about this "Tea Party" thing. Wondering if people really believe that I believe the things I say on air. Have they heard of satire?

@Canada: Sucks to be America, eh, hosers?

@America: @Canada: You're still in Canada.

@Provo: It's a good time to be me.

@SLC: @Provo: You're still in Utah County.

@Sinatra: Who is this Buble guy? Hey, Corlione, have you heard of this Buble guy?

@MeatLoaf: Remember me? I used to grace your kitchen table. Now you've gone all sissy "organic" on me. You used to be cool, American Dinner. You used to be cool.

@Toyoda: Man, this has been a bad couple of weeks.

@SHRBill: I'm just a bill, just a multi-billion dollar failed bill. And I'm sitting here stalled on Capitol Hill. But I know I'll be a law someday, at least I hope and pray that I will, but today I am still just a bill.

@JimmerDette: I. Am. Awesome.

@smire: Just heard about this "Team Edward" thing. I wonder if people really believe I believe the things I write? Have they ever heard of satire?

@DarthVader: Had "the talk" with Luke & Leia today. Went great, I think...but man they looked awkward. Kept scooting away from each other and blushing all the time. Guess this is what I get for being an absentee Sith Lord.

@Handiana Ryan: Planning another run at Star Wars, Indiana Jones, the Witness, and Jack Ryan novels in the next year. 70 is totally the next 30.

@chinesefood: I'm delicious. But I kinda miss MSG. We had a good thing.

@indianfood: @chinesefood: sucka! You're /so/ yesterday's curry.

@pizza: @indianfood: say that in forty years and you'll be in my ballpark, baby.

Stating the Obvious... w/ FEELING

2010-03-02T16:58:00.000-07:00

SCENE: 

Early morning, Salt Lake City. Still gray from clouds and sun that hasn't peaked over the mountains yet. Frosted windshields, but no snow to speak of.

I'm walking out to the car when I pass a pleasant looking woman. She's standing behind the car door, one leg tucked into the car, blowing on her cupped hands.

We make eye contact for a split second. We hold the other's gaze for only a split second, but that's enough. We know this kind of interaction requires a reciprocal acknowledgment of the contact, or else it just gets plain awkward.

"Morning..." she says, giving the end of the word a slight tug upwards.

"Morning." I reply, letting the word down slowly, signaling to her that, Yes, I was OK with our eye contact and I hoped she had a lovely rest of the day, but that was going to be the end of our conversation because I have to get to work and, let's be honest, I don't really know her and don't really care to get to know her. 

It's cold. I make it to the car, rubbing my hands together. I get a text from my wife "Thank you for lunch. I love you."

It's not so cold anymore. 

END SCENE.

Today made me think about how wonderful the mundane can be. How the ordinary can be thrilling.

Think about it. I know my wife loves me. Most of the time.

But getting a text from her like that? It just makes my soul smile.

And then the one word interaction. This one caused me to think. What else do we say in one word that can have so much meaning as to replace a conversation? What would happen if we just had to rely solely on singular nouns and tone of voice?

"Day!"
"Day."

"Food?"
"Food."

"Love."
"LOVE!"

"Legislature...."
"Legislature?!!!!"

"!!!JAZZ!!!"
"...jazz.."

"February?"
"March."

I think you could say more than you'd imagine this way.

Language is fun.

Call me Captain Obvious.

A Rough Tuesday

2010-02-04T20:05:00.003-07:00

I thought of putting this up Tuesday right after it happened, but my dear wife was taking the GMAT the next day and I didn't want to unnecessarily stress her out.

So I just bore a kick in the head from a crazed defendant with three ibuprofen and the knowledge that most of my days are really boring.

Not Tuesday.

Probably the best take was from the Deseret News--pasted below. (For the record, the bailiff and I did secure the defendant. No "trying" here. I'm a "do or do not" kind of guy).

Other links:

Standard Examanier: http://www.standard.net/topics/crime/2010/02/02/clearfield-man-attacks-girl-guilty-verdicn-sex-abuse-case-then-altercation-c

KSL: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=9562777

SL Tribune: http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_14329418?source=rss

Anyway, here's the story. And you thought lawyers were boring.

Clearfield man, Scott Kirby Paterson goes after victim in court after child sex abuse conviction

By Geoff Liesik

Deseret News

Published: Wednesday, Feb. 3, 2010 9:36 a.m. MST

BOUNTIFUL — Minutes after a jury found him guilty Tuesday of sexually abusing a child, authorities say a Clearfield man jumped into the courtroom gallery and went after his 12-year-old victim and her family.

"He went right to them," said 2nd District Court clerk Vicki Leo. "It was extremely scary. I've been a court clerk for 20-something years, and it's nothing like I've ever seen before."

Scott Kirby Patterson, 50, was convicted Tuesday of two counts of aggravated sex abuse of a child, a first-degree felony, and two counts of lewdness involving a child, a class A misdemeanor. The verdict was handed down after a two-day jury trial.

"As the verdict was being read, I observed the defendant, Scott Kirby Patterson, turn his head to his right and stare toward the victim and her family on the front row," Davis County sheriff's deputy Dave Grondel wrote in an incident report obtained by the Deseret News. "This lasted for approximately 10 seconds, then the defendant looked forward."

The deputy said he was then asked by 2nd District Judge Thomas L. Kay to take Patterson into custody, pending sentencing. Grondel said as he approached Patterson, the man stood, flipped over his chair and charged him.

"I took a step backwards and was attempting to unholster my Taser," the deputy wrote. "The defendant then proceeded toward the front-row area and was attempting to get to the victim and her mother and the rest of her family members."

The victim's uncle and her brother-in-law stood up and grabbed Patterson's arms to stop the attack, according to Grondel's report. The deputy and a law clerk then tried to gain control of Patterson, "but he was actively resisting arrest," the report states.

A second deputy entered the courtroom, and Patterson was taken into custody.

"The little girl and her mom were clearly shaken up," said Rick Westmoreland, the deputy Davis County attorney who prosecuted Patterson.

The victim in the case was 10-year-old when Patterson sexually abused her, Westmoreland said, noting that Patterson held a position of special trust with the girl.

The prosecutor said the girl and her family are grateful now that Patterson must serve mandatory prison time as a result of the jury's verdict, "so they won't have to deal with that kind of anger and rage for a lot of years."

The sheriff's office is reviewing Tuesday's incident and may ask prosecutors to file additional charges against Patterson.

Patterson is being held in the Davis County Jail. He faces a mandatory term of six, 10 or 15 years to life in prison on each of the aggravated sex abuse charges and up to a year in jail on each of the lewdness charges when he is sentenced March 18.

The President of the United States (brought to you by Doritos!)

2010-01-29T14:16:00.000-07:00

Now, I haven't had time to fully wrap my brain around the Supreme Court's latest big-time decision, Citizens United, but I think the satire of one Stephen Colbert aptly and somewhat frighteningly sums it up.

In short, we could very soon be treated to political candidates endorsed by Corporations, products, brand names, and other big business. Of course, big business has been in the pockets of politics since the foundation of our country, but this decision is going to make it very interesting. I'm almost always a supporter of "More Speech is Good Speech."

But in this instance, giving First Amendment speech protections to large corporations seems like arming a handful of CEOs with bazookas in a paintball fight. I'm just waiting for the first iCandidate to win the U.S. Presidency, who will live in the McDonald's White House and do business in the Oval(tine) Office (R).

Yes, Virginia, There IS a Santa Claus

2010-01-27T14:04:00.001-07:00

And maybe one day, he'll bring me this:

You're right, it does sound magical.

If you can hear that, it's my geekometer spinning out of control and causing steam to burst out of my ears.

Still, I think I'll wait for the 2nd Generation. :D

Whatever You Are Doing Right Now...

2010-01-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

STOP.

Go here. Proceed to be awed.

ReBoot!

2010-01-22T14:46:00.022-07:00

Dear Hollywood. You are ~~all~~ mostly a bunch of idiots.

I know, I know. Not news to anyone. But it's never been so hilariously blatant as it has been lately.

First, there's the Jay and Conan debacle over on NBC. Way to give Conan room to grow and thrive, NBC! Wait, you sandwiched him between the "Jay Leno Show" (ie--"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.... at 9pm!") and the Jimmy Fallon show, scrapped a bunch of your most popular 9pm scripted shows that used to lead into the news, had news stations threaten to to not air Jay Leno, and then gave Conan 7 months to fix the inevitable rating nose dive for you? Alone?

It's almost like your motto from the start was "aNybody But Conan." How do these people become presidents and officers?

On a related note, MORE MUPPET DOPPELGANGERS.

Beaker and Conan. Two equally beloved and silly ~~names~~ characters. Equal parts smart and suave. High pitched. Ginger-haired. Somewhat effeminate. And pure comedic genius dribbles forth from both with ease.

Statler the Muppet Critic and Leno the Puppet. Big-chinned, smarmy, and willing to stab someone else in the back in order to make himself look better.

So, now we get a reboot of the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Only seven months later. And it will be the exact same thing. Again. Which reminds me...

Second, that's not the only other reboot on the near horizon.

After Sony tried to force Anne Hathaway (Ella Enchanted?!) down Sam Raimi's throat for Spiderman 4, the director buckled and basically said "I can make you three of the most successful films of all time with the quality I want and the control I need, but if you start to micro-manage, I'm out."

He's out. And now Sony has announced plans to REBOOT Spiderman for 2012. Mind you, the first three Spiderman movies grossed about 2.5 billion dollars between them. That's nothing to sneeze at.

But, and here's where Hollywood just baffles me, Variety (Hollywoods professional journal/daily) reported in the above-linked piece that there's already a new script for this remake of a remake of a comic book. Tatiana Siegel reports that in this new/old/rebooted Spiderman:

"The new untitled Spider Man film will center on the webslinging teen as he grapples with both contemporary human problems and amazing super-human crises."

Wait. That sounds an awful lot like... wait for it... the LAST new remake of Spiderman. Where Peter Parker, the recently graduated high school student, grappled with his contemporary human problems (of going to school, trying to get a girl, and dealing with a death in the family) and amazing super-human crises presented by the super villain du jour, The Green Goblin.

And therein lies the problem. It's not that Hollywood has run out of ideas, per se.They're just rehashing them. Of late, there are "reboots" of several barely-old even newish movies or franchises. Lots of horror movies: Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc. (Can't say I've seen them, but they're there).

Lots of comic book movies: Spiderman, The Incredible Hulk, Superman, Batman, etc.

This is especially disappointing because there's so much opportunity out there with leaps in digital effects and cinematography. See, for example, last month's Avatar.

While the archetypes and story arc may feel very familiar (and may even smell a little too much like other movies), the imagery, scope, and world-building that director James Cameron engaged in on behalf of his latest sci-fi masterpiece has struck a chord with audiences like few movies before it have.

People compare it--and rightly so I think--with The Wizard of Oz, Lawrence of Arabia, Star Wars, and Gone With the Wind in that, when experienced on the big screen, these films transcend their medium. They are movies that envelop viewers, draw them into the story, and make them feel less an outside observer than a participant in something much grander than their own mundane Saturday afternoon. (Alas, some have taken Cameron's film a bit too seriously--and tragically).

It's not even that Hollywood has "told all the stories there are to tell." When you get down to it, there are really only a handful of stories out there that we routinely like to read about, listen to, or watch. A few examples:

(1) The Orphan Messiah. Kid's parents die; he is raised alone as an orphan, often by meanies, and thinks he's a nobody; kid realizes, with the help of a grandfatherly mentor that he has super powers; kid saves the city, the country, and sometimes even the world.

Harry Potter, The Sword in the Stone or The Once and Future King, The Matrix, Star Wars, Spiderman, Avatar, The Hobbit, Superman.

(2) The Dream Team Travelogue. Random, often awesomely powerful, strangers must band together in order to save the world/save the cheerleader/win the game/escape from prison etc. This story often includes the reluctant wunderkind, the average guy, the Wookie/Warrior, the wise teacher (who ALWAYS dies), the lovable rogue and/or the beautiful princess who all pool their individual talents to overcome tragedy, personal betrayal and other emotional things to--save the world.

Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, The Wizard of Oz, Saving Private Ryan, Braveheart, Lawrence of Arabia, The Seven Samurai

(3) The War. Snippets from people's lives that have been ravaged or are being ravaged by war. Often they are overcoming odds just to survive, but sometimes they also win the war. It doesn't even have to be physical war--it can be drugs, politics, intrigue, high school, you name it. There is a central conflict with delineated sides of good and evil and usually a nice kid/cheerleader/soldier we can relate to. Sometimes we get the villain's version of things. In the happy versions of this story, the protagonist wins out and everyone becomes friends. In the sad version, people die and nothing is solved.

All is Quiet on the Western Front, Schindler's List, Hamlet, MacBeth, Platoon, Mean Girls.

Before this post gets out of hand, my point is this: we have a handful of similar stories that we all like. Hollywood's problem now is that, instead of taking these overarching themes and archetypes and dressing them with new, exciting characters, dialogue, and plot points, they are rehashing the same plots with the same or similar dialogue and the same or similar characters.

They're basically repackaging something that was successful or should have been (in their minds) in something brighter, louder, neater, and expecting us to flock to it.

Sad thing is, we probably will.

Box Elder Bug Warfare

2010-01-08T15:27:00.002-07:00

I had a severe encounter with Box Elder Bugs about two months ago. It was bloody, it was violent, it was tragic. But in the end, it was contained. Until now.

Backstory: as the temperatures in Utah plunged into the teens this winter, anything living began to migrate to warmer climates. For some species of birds, this annual frosting means literally picking up and flying South. For some species of Humans, this also means picking up and flying to Florida.

Unfortunately for me, however, winter in Utah this year meant the entire species of Box Elder Bugs (Boisea trivittata) was not flying South, but indeed, was flying to Bountiful, Utah. And for whatever reason, it decided that my office was the best place to congregate when it arrived.

En Masse, as the French would say.

The worst part of being invaded by hundreds of seemingly innocuous, ugly bugs? They get into and onto everything. For example, I have a window behind my desk in my office. It's nice. It lets in sunlight and often reminds me that there is life going on outside the walls of my job. Sadly, I'm not the only that likes my window.

The Box Elder Bug army set up base camp on the glass, basking in my sunlight, as if to say "Just try to do something about it."

I distinctly remember responding to that challenge one November morning. "Damn them," I thought. And pulled out my legal pad and threw up the blinds.

Two hundred (I'm not exaggerating) Box Elder carcasses later, and my office floor looked like this.

The janitor came in later that afternoon, eyes glued to the floor and then to the abattoir of a legal pad in my hand and expressed the following sentiment: "!Dios mio! Cuantas moscas!"

I thought I was done with them after that. I had won. Shock and Awe. The Nuclear Winter of their short little lives had set in and I had triumphed like some Russian Czar facing an invading Napoleon in January.

It was too cold, they were spread too thin, and starvation would soon set in.

Boy, was I wrong.

They're back. And instead of invading in large forces, they're coming at me one at a time.

My wife, trooper that she is, picked one off my shoulder a couple of weeks back. As soon as she realized what she'd done, though, she promptly squealed and ran away.

One of the Judges I work with watched in horror as one of the bugs dive-bombed my head in the middle of one of our meetings.

Just today, I had to destroy one that had entrenched itself comfortably in my desk.

In short, they've turned Guerrilla on me.

So not cool.

Irrational Fears

2010-01-05T09:47:00.027-07:00

Am I the only one who gets anxious when the elevator door doesn't close immediately and efficiently? What if THIS happens when I'm just trying to go home?*

NOTE: the following clip does come from an R-Rated film. While the 45-second clip does not contain any material that is morally offensive, especially for those who regularly squash bugs, it can be quite scary for the faint of heart. Consider yourself warned.

Now can you see why I'm absolutely paranoid about the elevator door not closing quick enough?

Questions that I must answer each time I get into the metal box o' death:

Do I have a plasma rifle with which to defend myself from alien attacks? No.

Is there a high likelihood that an alien will drop down from the ceiling with the intent to hurt/maim/kidnap/kill me at the exact moment the elevator door stalls? Maybe. Depends on the day and current location.

Do I have body armor that can take the brunt of the acid? Nope. I continue to hope that my necktie can absorb most of the damage. It's another reason why I tend to buy more polyester than silk ties.

Is my wife hotter and stronger than Sigourney Weaver and therefore able to carry me to safety after the burn? Duh. Yes.

Finally, and this is the kicker, do I really want to deal with an incredibly painful alien blood-acid burn on my chest for the rest of the month? Not really, no.

So, there it is. While my wife could ~~probably~~ definitely pull off a stunning Ellen Ripley impersonation and carry/drag me to safety, I don't think I'd like an acid burn on my chest. It just sounds like a bummer. Not to mention the anxiety and stress it could all cause...

Therefore, to ensure my continued peace and tranquility, all elevator doors must close promptly and securely at all times. You just never know.

*As an aside, this really was and continues to be an irrational fear of mine. My Dad had us boys watch Aliens with him on the Fox Saturday Movie special when I was about 8. Too young? Probably. My mother was none too pleased about it. But it was wicked awesome! Thanks, Dad!

It Was Mine in 2009

2009-12-31T18:06:00.001-07:00

And here, for everyone's reading enjoyment, is the obligatory Top of 2009 List:

Top Guilty Pleasure(s):

This one was a three-way tie. Sorry for the cop-out, but I think you'll understand.

1. Looking at my wife's Bridal Pictures. I can't believe how lucky I am some days. That Erin chose me over a hundred other better-looking, funnier, wittier, nicer, pleasanter, more athletic, less arthritic, genetically superior men to me still blows me away some days. She is a gem, and easily makes this the Best Year Ever for me. I gush, I gush. I know. But still... a guy deserves to revel in the awesomeness of his life sometimes.

2. Nodding my head like Yeah; Shaking my hips like Yeah. This totally makes up for the pole dancing incident. I just hope it doesn't become, as good friend Cody has labeled it, the "Achy Breaky Heart" of the 2000s. And just because it's heavily featured on Seriously So Blessed doesn't make me nod my head or shake my hips any less. :P

3. The BCS anti-Playoff Propaganda. I still can't believe the BCS pays money to Ari Fleischer for stuff like this: http://playoffproblem.com/. As Andy Staples from SI.com told me when I asked him how he felt about being misrepresented on the site as being pro-BCS and whether it was all some kind of big Joke, the playoffproblem website is, "a site designed by a DC public relations firm to insult your intelligence." Well said, Andy. Well said.

If it's so awful, why is it a top guilty pleasure, then? It's like watching your greatest enemy slowly--and bluntly--impale himself on his own sword.

Top Song

More to come.

Well done, Cougars

2009-12-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

Well done, indeed.

Now if the Utes can slaughter the Golden Bears in similar fashion, I wonder what it means for the PAC-10?

I love and will miss College Football for the next few months...

Seriously?

2009-12-15T10:37:00.003-07:00

http://www.playoffproblem.com/ Just go there. If you're a sports fan, a politics fan, a Public Relations fan, or just one of those people who slows down for car wrecks and can't look away, you NEED to see this. I can't decide if it's a joke or the worst example of PR work I've ever seen. It makes me wonder if Ari Fleischer is actually just taking his cleints' money and subverting their own cause by being so...well, BAD. Try the site's blog, and then check out some of the comments. I've never seen a website be so bad at doing what it purports to do. It's almost as if someone is parodying the BCS... hmmm.... makes me wonder if this is a maddening website or someone's mad genius website. No folks. IT'S LEGIT!!! Oh, SNL would KILL for this kind of material. For a deeper look into this, check out this great article by Dan Wetzel from Yahoo! Sports. He's been a big defender of a College Football Playoff for years, and a huge fan of Utah/BYU football. In short, he's my hero. SIDE NOTE: I would like to one day celebrate my birthday by going to a College Football Playoff game. For now, though, I will happily spend it with my wife. Thus, my perfect birthday will be a College Football Playoff game with my wife. Future reference, honey. ;) I think I just caught a glimpse of Nirvana

Bigotes and Bigotry: A Mish-Mash of Mashuppery

2009-12-11T13:28:00.003-07:00

If that title isn't pretentious enough, I don't know what it is. Well, I've decided to come fully out of marriage-induced blog hibernation. Erin looked at me the other night and confessed "I just don't have anything to blog about anymore"... until she got sick, and I got her addicted to LOST. And--voila--she had something to write. [NOTE: The Final Season of Lost begins February 2, 2009. Groundhog Day. For you Losties out there, that may or may not be a significant day. If you're not a Lostie, there's still time...] In that vein, I probably don't have much to say, except for some random warbles. Random Warble 1: I do really dumb things sometimes. Like cutting up two jalapeno peppers for a delicious lime cilantro ranch dip, rolling my fingers around in the pepper oil, superficially washing my hands and then, of course, attempting to take out my contacts. Let it sink in. Pepper oil on fingers, direct contact with eyeballs from fingers. Yeah. I went there. I did that. For those who have ever been sprayed in the face with mace, you can empathize with my pain. Imagine your eyes melting in a really stingy, ouchy way, and you're right there. Ok. That's dumb. Yes. But here's why I'm really dumb: after taking out the right contact made me squeal like a six-year-old and cry with the pain, I washed my hands again and tried to take out the left one. Yeah. I roll like that. Teary-eyed and full of pain. Idiot. Random Warble 2 Why do some people intentionally refrain from enjoying something solely because "too many people like it?" I can't tell you how many people refused to get Coldplay's Viva la Vida (Grammy winner and all) simply because it got "too much play" on the radio, or because Coldplay was "too overhyped." Fine, they got a lot of play on the radio, they got a lot of hype. So what? Just because something's popular, doesn't mean it's bad. Or good. It just means lots of people like it. If you want to argue the merits of something, I'm all for it. Heck, I crushed the garlic out of Twilight. I just think it's silly to avoid something solely because a lot of people enjoy it. Where did this warble come from? Well, I recently saw a facebook group dedicated to predicting the downfall of James Cameron's new movie Avatar. Yep. The new movie that comes out NEXT WEEK. Not yet released, but already people are backlashing against it because ... well ... it's getting hype. Really guys? Are you afraid that this unreleased movie won't live up to the expectations they've built up in their minds? Has Star Wars Episode 1 really made us all so paranoid that we lash out at any similar hype machine? Just from the trailer, see below, I don't know if you can draw any conclusions about this movie. It could suck. Or it could be awesome. But at least just let it be until it comes out. Or you try it out. Try it and didn't like it? Blast away on the interwebs. Try it and liked it? You won't have to hang your head in shame for having hated on its 2 minute trailer. No matter how it plays out, I'm pretty stoked about this one. Imax, 3D, Sci-Fi, Big Gear, guy who made Terminator and Aliens... it's right up any 12-year-old boy's alley. Being the smart girl that she is, Erin's taking me for my birthday. :D Random Warble 3 Glee is awesome. Sue Sylvester is magic. 'Nuff said. Random Warble 4 This inspired me to grow a real mustache. And to laugh out loud. In my office. (Thanks to brother, Mikee for the clip). For the record, it IS like the color blue. Random Warble 5 The BCS STILL sucks. Four years later, and nothing's changed. Makes a usually :D guy want to :'{ . At least we still have the Jazz to look forward to... erm... Yeah.

The Little Hilarities of Predictive Text

2009-11-12T14:21:00.005-07:00

Ok, so everyone knows that predictive text is a little bit... asynchronous. Like when you think you're putting in a word with a series of three or four button pushes, but forget to cycle through the choice your program predicted for you in order to get to the real one, sometimes the consequences can be unintentionally hilarious. Or alternatively horrifying. I think I'll share some of the long list I've compiled over the years in little snippets. The first that comes readily to mind is "Cafe Rio." We all love their delicious Tex-Mex cuisine, picked-fresh pico de gallo, hand-stretched tortillas, and delicious cilantro-lime cream dressing. You almost feel naughty eating it. Thus, when you try to text your friends, it's only appropriate that the first option that pops up is... Cafe SIN. Imagine what their Key Lime Pie or Sweet Pulled Pork would be like if the grim reaper or the cherubim were making it... I imagine it would still be pretty darn good. Have you guys noticed any? Send over the best, funniest, or most damning you can think of. Cnt w8 4 m.

Back and Ready for Action

2009-11-10T14:09:00.003-07:00

Well, the wedding went wonderfully, the honeymoon was a dream, and the wifey and I are settling into the first weeks of marital bliss. Erin has been cataloging some of it, and wrote a fantastic post about the honeymoon here. The best part about our trip to Cozumel? Erin loved it. Who knew I would so enjoy spoiling mi amor? :D But now, back to reality. Which can be rough sometimes. Don't get me wrong, it's SOOOOO much nicer having my best friend around all the time, and suddenly the little stressful things seem to melt away when I get to wake up next to my wife, but reality has a tendency to hit hard when you're coming back from a vacation. And in that reality I have observed some things. Here are a few of those nuggets I have observed about the immediate post-honeymoon. People LOVE us. And People LOVE Pyrex. Why not combine those loves? We feel so blessed and loved and appreciated by all those people who came to wish us well, send their love, and help us as we start our new lives. We will never be able to thank everyone adequately for what they have done for us, both in terms of gifts and financial support, but also for their friendships and their relationships with us. That said... enough mushy stuff. That's not why you people read this blog, I think. So, the love often came in the form of Pyrex. That magical glassware you can bake with. Think I'm kidding? Let me put it this way: we got a lot of Pyrex. To the tune of 40+ pieces. We could open an industrial kitchen in our apartment with the cookware we've received. Again, we're extremely grateful for it. We've already used it. And a lot of it. It's amazing to walk into the apartment and see our piles of gifts occupying their own corners of the living room: We have the "To Use" pile, filled with useful, creative, fun, and unique gifts. We have the "To Return" pile, filled with useful, creative, fun, but unfortunately not unique gifts (THREE sandwich makers. Someone was obviously receiving my Christmas Wish Lists as a teenager). And we have the mighty "Pyrex" pile. I'm going to try to stack the Pyrex to the ceiling tonight. Just for fun. Midnight's not so bad. It's 6:45 am that is the real "Witching Hour", a time of the day invented by Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies himself in order to torment the souls of men. That's why my alarm goes off at 6:40. And only later does it go off at 6:45. And then again at 6:50. And 6:55. But at 7:00, I'm definitely up and out of the sheets. And by 7:05 I'm climbing out of bed. Who invented the work day that started at 8? "Grumble, mumble... sleepy tumble, bed is comfy, and in the mornings, I bumble." Budgeting Software is AMAZING YNAB has been, already two days in, a very impressive piece of software. And very helpful in getting us on track towards getting out of debt (bless BYU for keeping us too far out of debt) and on the road to saving. Geeze. I think I just became my father. NETFLIX is AMAZING And now I'm back to me. I think NetFlix is totally cool. Even more so now that you can stream instantly to your computer. This is especially convenient when your sole tv/movie media access point is your desktop computer placed conveniently in front of the couch. For a few bucks a month, we can really save by foregoing a cable bill. And now I'm back to my father again. I'm just waiting to start saying stuff like "When something's worth doing, it's worth doing well." Which is true... Gift Cards are Kind of Awesome And by kind of, I mean EXTREMELY. There's nothing quite like the thrill of taking a pile of gift cards to your local super store and having the sweet (but somehow slightly cantankerous) old woman put their individual amounts onto one uber-gift card. It's like having Excalibur bestowed upon you. The purchasing power in your hands has gone from middling or mundane to super-human. You feel as though you've been chosen. That you have realized your calling. And your purpose on earth, at least for the next two hours, is to buy stuff. Don't believe me? Try it. Just remember to follow this advice: when walking through said super store, you are required to hold out the new uber-card and allow it to guide you to the items you need/want/desperately-must-have-or-you're-going-to-die-in-the-store-right-now-so-we-have-to-get-it-now-no-ands-ors-or-buts-about-it-Mr. If you follow the urgings and nudgings of the Card, you will find yourself in consumerism nirvana. And then you'll have to unload all the stuff you got when you get home. And wonder how the stuff you just bought makes it into the "To Return" pile...

Today

2009-10-24T10:28:00.000-06:00

I marry my sweetheart. I met her 600 days ago today. I can't wait for the next 600... and the next. And the next. I believe it was the Bard who said "Love is a many-splendored thing." Or a 1950s Hollywood movie. Either way, they're both right. I. Am. Splendored.

2009-10-21T10:38:00.001-06:00

Three Days. WOW. I am simultaneously petrified and giddy. Mostly giddy.

Score Keeping

2009-10-15T20:01:00.002-06:00

Influenza: 1 ebv: 0 I guess this is one way of staying out of temptation's way a week before the wedding. Seriously, though. The flu stinks. Big time. That is all. PS--Bless mothers. My mom took me to the emergency room this morning. At 6 am. And waited the whole time through. PPS--Bless fiancees. Erin brought me chicken soup, Riccola, a cookie, and some hugs. I don't know if I can love her more than I do right now. PPPS--I'm fine. Nothing a little Tamiflu, NyQuil, and Ibuprofen can't fix.

You Live, You Learn, You Get Engaged...

2009-10-06T08:45:00.005-06:00

Engagement has been... interesting. No, don't get me wrong. It has been awesome, but definitely, most definitely interesting. Some of the most memorable moments? Well, there was the time I felt like a chubby little kid in a candy store built for chubby little kids when Erin asked me to "Go register for us at REI." I couldn't make it out to the store itself, but I kid you not, I clapped my hands and squealed like a little girl when she asked me to do it all online. You want to know the way to a man's joy (beside becoming his bride)? Give him a gift certificate to a place where he can acquire "gear." Doesn't matter what kind. Electronic, mechanical, home improvement, computer... oh, and anything with lasers is perfect. (My brain just went to a happy place for a minute while writing that). Unfortunately, some of the big engagement moments have been less fun than REI. Like the time I felt like a useless little kid when we ran into some speedbumps with our engagement pictures. Thankfully, Erin is a champion hugger and a wonderful supporter. Oh, and then there was the time the mattress salesman tried to ring us up for 100.00 dollars more than he had quoted us at. That one still gets my goat. And then there was the dishes incident. *sigh*. I realize that this was a naughty swear in the Vogeler home when we were little, but here goes: Boys can be buttheads sometimes. Especially me. And don't forget the Target incident. Ditto to above. (Sorry, darlin'!) Ah, but back to the joy... I was so pleased this last weekend when there came the friends and family bridal shower (one of four?). I had NO idea girls got so giddy when their girlfriends got married ...or so naughty. :D True, our engagement has been shorter than some, and it has come with its own ups and downs. But through it all (ALMOST THERE...STAY ON TARGET!), I have learned one thing for certain: I love my sweet Erin even more.

One Month.

2009-09-24T13:35:00.002-06:00

From Today. BIG Smiley Face.

Seriously, so Blessed...

2009-09-17T11:46:00.003-06:00

Finally. After all the hand wringing. After the days and months of noxious hypotheticals about: "Scatacre," "Mauveacre," "Hellacre," "Deuceacre," "Shillacre," "Dumbacre," etc. Criminals who break into a home in the nighttime with the intent to perform a felony therein only to be frustrated (and nearly blown apart) by the resident's booby-trap shotgun, Store owners who refuse to clean up the negligently spilled radioactive waste that has been sitting on their floor for hours, And those inevitable property owners who just kept deeding the same property to multiple buyers, heirs, and assignees over and over and over again..... It finally happened. Bar results were posted today. ....wait for it.... AND I PASSED! Welcome to Attorney Town, Population: Me.

[fist pump]

Five Weeks...Four Days

2009-09-15T15:06:00.002-06:00

Until The Day. And yes, for those who might ask, I am counting. I almost hate to admit this, but I can understand now why so many Baby Mommy Bloggers put up widgets of their floating unborn fetuses replete with countdown (if you don't know what I'm talking about just surf the blogosphere for about 20 minutes), write for post after post upon post about how absolutely adorable their unique, one-of-a-kind baby is, gush about how perfect his or her bodily functions are, and wax eloquent about the joy of noxious smells and sounds that motherhood is. Why? Because I am daily tempted to Put up a widget declaring "It's only W Days, X Hours, Y Minutes, and Z Seconds 'til Hitchin Time!" or Write about how lovely it is when my recently-taken-ill Sweetheart coughs her guts out, sniffles, and then snuggles firmly into my shoulder for a quick nap. or Gush on and on about how no one else could be more beautiful, more amazing, or more fun to be with. or Share our recent mattress buying experience ("Too fresh, still too fresh..."). sigh Am I on the edge of becoming a Baby Mommy's Hubby Blogger? And did I just smile after writing that?

...and you didn't think it could get better!

2009-08-26T20:46:00.002-06:00

...Well, it did! Not only did I get engaged over the weekend, but I got a job offer. [Mental "YAY!!!" everytime I write, read, or say that.] Sorry to not share it immediately, but a guy has to keep his priorities straight. The engagement was way more important. And WAY more nerve-wracking. Details: Judicial Clerkship in Bountiful, Utah. Starting September 8, 2009. One year term. I get to research relevant statutory law, draft orders, opinions, and bench memos. Basically, a super-qualified, inexperienced personal assistant to a judge. And perhaps most importantly, it pays the bills, keeps me close to the fiancee (she also has a job in Bountiful), and basically fell right into my lap. Miracles Numbers 5, 6, 7, and 8, respectively. I hate to toot my own horn, but I just feel so blessed. Alright, I probably don't hate to toot my own horn, otherwise I wouldn't have this blog, but I still feel so, so stinking blessed. If anyone wants a 10 minute talk on faith, perseverance, and miracles, I'm your man.

!!!THE GIRL SAID YES!!!

2009-08-24T12:30:00.010-06:00

I apologize for the delay between posts...again (sigh)...but this one's due to something even more monumental, and so much more tremendous than the Bar Exam. I'll be quick: I'm gettin' hitched! I asked the lovely Erin Suzanne Roundy, of Holi Festival Fame and winner of the most beautiful fiancee award (presented only once by Eric Vogeler), to marry me this last Saturday, and miracle of miracles... she said "Yes." (And very quickly too, I might add.) She has a sweet, quick rundown (plus video) of how it went over on her blog. Go there for what really happened. Below, I'll give you my mind's version of what happened that day, at certain times of the day. SATURDAY, AUGUST 22, 2009 8:00 am Wake up, cold sweat, excited feeling. Hazy knowledge that today is a big today. Consider singing in the shower with joy or vomiting in the shower with nerves. 8:20 am Miraculously, accomplish both feats simultaneously. First of many miracles to come. 9:00 am Contemplate food. Think better of it. Wander aimlessly through the house, thinking of what I need for the day. Remember that I'm going to ask the most beautiful woman on earth to marry me; faint a little bit. 9:05 am Recover from the bout of the vapors, realize I have to be in Provo to help a friend with the LSAT at 10, and make my out to the car. 9:12 am Say a little prayer that I will neither sing, vomit, faint, or otherwise incapacitate myself while on the freeway. 9:32 am Think "So far so good..." and immediately notice a billboard near Point of the Mountain hawking both Rings and Wrenches. Am reminded that I'm going to ask my smokin' girlfriend to become my even more smokin' fiancee. Grin all the way to Lehi. 9:45 am Ponder on the potential irony of "Wrenches" and pray that all goes smoothly today. Close my eyes and think "I can do this...I can do this...I'm OK..." Simultaneously sing, vomit, faint, and shout for joy...in my mind. So as to not die on the highway. 10:00 am Arrive in Provo, UT: World capital of marrying, getting married, and otherwise plotting to get married. Consider kissing the ground and giving thanks to the divine for allowing me to arrive safely. Instead, head immediately over to the Provo Library for some LSAT tutoring. 11:45 am While wrapping up LSAT tutoring and Logic Games, remember what I'm about to do today. Brain gives up the ghost and shuts down to preserve sanity. First of many brain shut downs to come. 12:05 pm Send a text message to my Honey, telling her I'll be in Provo until about 4 pm. First of many lies/surprises to come. 12:06 pm Get in car and leave Provo City Library. Get instantly cut off by elderly woman coming from the opposite direction. Consider yelling, but am too amazed by how she did it. Also, realize I'm too nervous to be anything close to angry. A low buzzing sound begins in my head. 12:13 pm Mistake low buzzing for hunger. Chew on the thought of food. Stomach, in show of fortitude and general nervous grouchiness, rebels and threatens a "walk out" if food is offered. 12:35 pm Pass another foreshadowy sign: Utah Weddings. Accept this as a good omen and quickly pass a black ladder truck on the right. 12:45 pm Arrive at home base: my parents' place. Dash inside. 12:46 pm Madly search for tuxedo. 12:47 pm Find tuxedo hanging where I'd left it the night before. 12:48 pm Madly search for cumberbund and bow tie. 12:50 pm Fail in mad search. Collapse in heap of frustration, sweat, and tears. The first and only such heap of the day. 12:50:30 pm Mother calmly hands me a black bow tie and red cumberbund. Brain indicates that this is wrong. Body threatens another heap, but Mother quickly suggests wearing cumberbund inside out. Brain thanks Mother loudly. 1:12 pm Wonder if mouth succeeded in thanking Mother verbally. Put it on checklist of things to do. First of many checklists yet to come. 1:30 pm Planning on surprising the love of my life around 2:00pm, I leave parents' house. 1:35 pm Arrive at former place of employ: the Rose Shop. Hope at least one former co-worker will be present. 1:36 pm Realize that no one I know is working that day. Angel of a man takes my order and declares that together it will be X dollars. 1:38 pm Talk loudly about the "good ol' days" with "Larry, Mel, and Jackie" and how I used to "LOVE working there" (all true, of course) in hopes of securing floral discount. 1:39 pm Angel of a man declares that, because I used to work there, flowers would be X dollars. Brain smiles at discount. 1:41 pm Wallet angrily states that "discount" was not real. Only perceived. Brain still smiles. 1:50 pm Arrive at "Secret Location:" Gateway Mall, Summer Parking. 1:55 pm Park inconspicuously. Remember that Sweetheart's only request was "Make it a surprise" and "Make it in public." Make mental checkmarks and hunker down to await the signal from Sweetheart's best friends. 2:05 pm Get call from one best friend: "She's still in Kaysville." Mouth responds with "What?!" Brain responds by casually shutting down. 2:10 pm Brain reboots. Informs self that driving from Kaysville to Salt Lake City is at least 30 minutes. Hand turns keys and activates air conditioning. 2:15 pm Worried that car battery might die/explode/otherwise fail with prolonged usage, brain forces hand to turn key yet again and turn off air conditioning. 2:15:20 pm Car heats up to stifling. Realize that tuxedo may be debonair, but definitely not cool. 2:25 pm Turn on air conditioning again to keep brain and body alive. Come to realization that nerves have not gone away since early afternoon. Masochistically add to nerves by running "Engagement Scenario 1" through mind. 2:26 pm Engagement Scenario 1 involves acoustic guitar, flowers, ring, a beautiful rendition of "Can't Take My Eyes Off You," tears in Beautiful's eyes, and a quick "YES!" 2:30 pm Turn off Air Conditioning (AC) again. AC has become life saving, and therefore gets capitalized. 2:32 pm Day dream about turning AC on again. Nerves demand day dream about Engagement Scenario 2. 2:33 pm Engagement Scenario 2 involves no guitar, no singing, only flowers, tux, and ring. "Yes" comes, but perhaps a little less quickly. 2:35 pm Turn on AC again, realize that Scenario 1 is vastly superior and abandon all hope for alternative Scenarios. Nerves clench, body begins to shake. 2:38 pm Wonder if Sweetness is in Salt Lake yet. Force hands to stop shaking and begin to practice song. 2:43 pm Ponder the meaning of the Olympic Athlete Stick Figure in the Iron Cross position on the red pillar in the underground parking and pray I can have that kind of stamina. Brain snickers and says "Ha!" too loudly for comfort. 2:47 pm Mother-Daughter combo park next to stifling car and stare rudely in at the shaking, obviously disturbed tuxedoed man waiting and mumbling to himself inside of stifling car. Notice their staring and stare back, mildly perturbed. Begin to make plans to explain "Engagement Scenario 1" to Gateway Security, just in case. 2:50 pm Turn on AC again. Immediately get text from best friend: "Finding Parking." Begin psych-up self-motivation. "You're awesome! Remember that! She Loves You! Remember that! This is Going to be Perfect!" 2:55 pm Emerge from Gateway Underground Parking Lot, spot girls on the other side of glass doors, notice nice man in wife beater hanging out on steps and ask if he'll "Watch my guitar case for five minutes?" Nice man nods. Butterflies invade stomach. Manage to exit the parking lot under own power and follow group of girls that includes Love. Miracle 2 has just occurred. 3:00 pm Approach group, praying Future Fiancee won't spot other Future Fiancee approaching rapidly, albeit dizzily, almost drunkenly. 3:01 pm Reach group. Surprise One Day Wife, give her flowers, and begin to sing while strumming guitar. 3:01:20 pm Realize that song is being sung in the wrong key. Try to fix pitch and overall balance so as to not topple over off key. 3:01:25 pm Realize that song is too long for already weakened Body and Brain. Decide to employ Engagement Scenario 3: GO FOR BROKE! 3:01:45 pm Forget lyrics, look to Wonderful for help, she fills in the lines and smiles. Heart makes first vocal appearance and shouts "YES!" 3:02 pm Brain and Body unite in shutting down rest of three verse, two chorus song, and force Legs to one Knee. 3:02:03 pm Mouth asks, in its too-loud way, "ERIN ROUNDY!" (awkward pause as Fingers awkwardly open ring box) "...will you...hnghhhh...MARRY ME?!" 3:02:05 pm Body, Brain, and Soul shut down waiting for answer. 3:02:05:01 pm Erin Suzanne Roundy says "Yes." Quickly. Decisively. Wonderfully. Body, Brain, and Soul simultaneously squeal with delight. Mouth simply smiles. Lungs, for the first time in minutes, actually breathe. Miracle Number 3 has just occurred. 3:03 pm Realize that now Fiancee needs the ring on her finger. Clumsily, shakily, awkwardly pull ring out. Clumsily, shakily, awkwardly place ring on her finger. 3:03:10 pm Realize, to my horror, that ring doesn't fit over second knuckle of Lover's left ring finger. 3:03:15 pm Gorgeous whispers, through smiling teeth "Push. Harder." Hands push harder, ring glides on. Engagement Scenario 4 ("Run Away Screaming") is discarded as quickly as it was created. 3:04 pm Stand up, feel the weight of a "Thousand Horrible Engagement Scenarios Gone Wrong" lift from my shoulders and flutter harmlessly away in the breeze. Hug Beautiful. Kiss Beautiful. Body, Brain, and Soul unite in a chorus of "Yippeee!" 3:05 pm Look into Sweetness' eyes and realize that my life is amazing. And I get to share the rest of it with someone even more amazing. Miracle Number 4. And that's how it happened. The Beginning of the Best Day Ever (so Far).

2009-08-17T00:41:00.004-06:00

This guy needs to be careful not to take off into the atmosphere. Seriously. I imagine death by asphyxiation in the cold deep of space is not the most pleasant way to go. Is this for real? He just shattered his own world record. Again. Usain Bolt is...unreal. And fun to watch. Interesting that man is still finding ways to be bigger, faster, stronger. Without drugs. (I hope).

Five Things I've Learned Post-Bar

2009-08-05T13:36:00.007-06:00

I know it's been a while. I apologize for the delay, and any excuse I throw out will ring hollow, because while I am busily job searching right now, I'm also performing some heavy light reading, leisurely workouts, and more reading. Being free from any immediate deadlines and crunches certainly has its advantages, but there's also an eerie calm in my life, which in my experience usually precedes a whirlwind of action, stress, and goal-launching. Still, while I'm in the calm, here are five things I've learned after the Bar exam. 1. The Sun Never Sets on Law & Order Literally. Like the Royal British Empire, there is an episode of L&O showing somewhere, on some channel, in some iteration--you know, Original, SVU, and Criminal Intent. I swear, Dick Wolf's brainchild is omnipresent. If you crave procedural crime dramas that follow the same basic plotlines time after time after time, this is your comfort food. And its available like Twinkies at a Scout Camp. 2. College Football Makes me Happy ...especially when the home town teams are doing so bleedingly well. Utah? Yeah. Getting all kinds of love from no less than Sports Illustrated. Undefeated, Sugar Bowl victory. Even got their time to shine on the floor of the Senate. This year is their chance to prove it wasn't a fluke. BYU? Already being lauded for having one of the best recruiting classes in the Nation (for 2010...), the Cougars are looking to stir things up as well, and could with an experienced offense and a pretty deep defense. USU? Well... they have a new coach! And they can only go up from here... To me, Fall Saturdays are not just fun, they sometimes take on a less-holy, more violently religious Sabbath-day aspect. In short, Fall Saturdays are sacrosanct, my friends. It's just--Football!!! XD 3. United States: "Race? What do you Mean?! I'm Colorblind, Man!" I kinda thought (and at least hoped) that we'd moved past the ugly racism of the early- and mid-20th century. At least into a light race-tension where everybody tried to get along. No. This Henry Louis-Gate incident pretty much mucked it up for everybody. For the record, both sides were at fault. For the best analysis of the whole snafu, here's the Daily Show (Warning, there are some bleeped out swear words for the more sensitive among us):

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Henry Louis-Gate - Race Card

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Spinal Tap Performance

4. Politics is Messy Yeah, I know. Duh, right? Well, consider this latest a lasting impression. The lady's mom is running for Mayor of Kaysville, and while I won't reveal the intimate details, icky, Dickensian villains are appearing near the margins trying to weasel, backstab, and ooze their way into positions of power. In Kaysville. City of Distinction. Population: 20,351 (2000 Census). You know the world is going to Hell when people in our great small towns start stooping to dirty politics to win city council and mayoral positions. Or maybe it's just business as usual. If it is, [sighs and puts head in hands] consider me a little more jaded than usual. 5. My Childhood is the Most Lucrative Thing Hollywood Ever Encountered Consider this: Of late, the hugest (sp?) movies of the year have capitalized on my childhood. To wit:

Transformers 2 has made about a gazillion dollars in a month.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince made as much and should move even more money overseas in the coming months.
GI JOE is coming out next week and should make about a bazillion dollars on its name alone, regardless of whether it sucks

Of the highest grossing films of 2010, most were based on Comic Book or Saturday Serial characters (or their archetypes) of my childhood:

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Iron Man
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Hancock
Kung Fu Panda
Batman Dark Knight

Some of the most anticipated movies coming up are:

TRON 2 (Remember the light cycles? I have a t-shirt somewhere in my old closet), the sequel to the computer graphics touchstone film TRON.

AVATAR, a movie based on, you guessed it, living in another fantasy world while breathing and eating in our own.

District 9, a movie based on Apartheid, race relations, South Africa, and really cool stuff that blows up or moves fast.

In short, my childhood has directly resulted in Hollywood making more money than it ever has before. And I wonder if it's a direct result of my generation finally being the driving force behind the entertainment industry, or if we were just blessed with really, really cool shows and ideas in the early to mid 80s. Knowing Hollywood, I'd bet it's more of the former. They're nothing if not observant and willing to use whatever leverage they can to make a buck. I feel very validated now, thank you.

ebv: 1, bar: 0

2009-07-29T23:18:00.002-06:00

Face it, Bar Exam. I owned you. (I just pray I owned you enough to pass). :D Well, finally, I'll be able to get some posts up regularly and with the extra spice that time and relaxation inevitably provide. BOO-YAH!

!!!!!!!FREE AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!

Day One Down

2009-07-28T19:22:00.002-06:00

Sick. Sick. Sick. The people who dreamt up the Bar are sick. But hey, if I want to play their game I have to play by their rules. All that said--Day One went well. Wrote for about seven straight hours. something like 60,000 characters. That's about 25 pages. Single Spaced. Got about three or four hours of sleep. Went to bed at eleven. Didn't sleep until 1. Woke up, fully awake, at four, mind spinning about torts and blogacre and inchoate crimes and evidentiary privileges and procedural vs. substantive warfares between rendering and reviewing states. I made so much room in my brain for this thing, that when I went to a wedding reception last week, I started forgetting names of good friends. I had to think about the bride's name. Hard. Sorry, Marisa! It's been a long road... So close... so so so so close. I hope this is coherent. It's about as close to drunk as i get. i love you all!

I Take the Bar...

2009-07-27T11:10:00.001-06:00

...tomorrow and Wednesday. Good vibes, prayers, oblations, and offerings accepted. XD

The Deification of Young and Stupid, by Craig Ferguson

2009-07-22T15:07:00.003-06:00

I think I have developed a man-crush on Craig Ferguson. Not only is he a bleeding-heart Naturalized American (he celebrated his nationalization on his late-night talk show), but he brings an air of intelligence and wit to late-night comedy that has been conspicuously absent since Carson stepped down. For example: the deification of the Young and the Stupid. Go ahead. Watch and let me know what you think. For me, Ferguson's got a great point: what do we value more than youth and exuberance? What do we value less than experience (read: "old") and stability (read: "boring")? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

The Singing Waiter

2009-07-19T16:15:00.009-06:00

Eric Boyd Vogeler 123 Mysteria Lane Salt Lake City, UT 84111 (801) 555-7445 thesingingwaiter@hotmail.com

Objective Sing my heart out, serve delicious food and bring joy and happiness to the World Education Master of Entertainment, December 1982 to present The School of Hard Knocks, The Universe I live in Juris Doctor, J. Reuben Clark School of Law, April 2009 Brigham Young University, Provo, Utah Thesis: “The Hilarity of Law; or Why Lawyers Commit Suicide” MC: “The Opening Social” August, 2007 “The Halloween Social” October, 2008 “The Awards Banquet March, 2009 Singer: “The Italian Birthday Singer” December, 2006 “The Phantom Skit” March, 2007 “The Pained Face Guy” March, 2009 “The Talent Show Guitar Guy” March, 2007 & 2008 Bachelor of Useless, Yet Interesting, Information, May 2006 University of Utah, Salt Lake City, Utah Fluent in Spanish, Portuguese, Witty Banter, Food Ordering, Mixylodian and Diatonic Scales Experience Musicals Performed as Tommy Albright in East High School’s production of Brigadoon, November, 2001 to rave reviews from at least three, non-familial, non-obligatorily attending audience members Delighted audiences by splitting pants and acting hysterical as “The Mayor” in Clayton Middle School’s production of Bye, Bye, Birdie!, November 1996 Restauranting Extensive experience ordering, sampling, and recommending food to those who really don’t care what I think, and probably aren’t listening to me anyway Singing Sang, warbled, and delighted my way through choir training at the instruction of Dr. John Cooksey, University of Utah, 2001-2005 Awards and Interest #1 First-Born Son, awarded continually by Marcia Vogeler, Dec. 15, 1982 to present Most...Interesting...Stage Kiss, Brigadoon, East High School 2000 Best Non-Singing Waiter Birthday Song Singer, Geneva’s Birthday Party Participants (simple majority vote), Macaroni Grill, December 2006 Favorite Law Student Voice (Male) Class of 2009, as presented by Marie Davies

District 9

2009-07-18T13:54:00.002-06:00

The Fan Boy in me just squealed a little. If only Torts were this cool. And then that same Fan Boy in me groaned as he realized that it's rated R... MPAA!

The Alternative Resume Series

2009-07-14T22:02:00.002-06:00

Like many resumes, mine reads as excitingly as a Congressional Bill, and looks just as tired. In my vain attempts to find work in this ~~woeful~~ ~~awful~~ ~~icky~~ economy, I have realized that I stand in an interesting, yet frustrating situation: I am somewhat overqualified for many jobs and sickeningly under-qualified for the rest. The only solution I can think of? Grab the nearest piece of corrugated cardboard, sweep up a sharpie with which to write "Will File Motions for Food at Swanky Restaurants," and stand at the corner of State and South Temple during the daytime hours. Or...in the alternative, I suppose I could make my resume accurately reflect what the jobs require, not necessarily who and what I am. With that in mind, I'm going to publish a series of alternative resumes that should go along with a slew of careers that I either find myself over- or under-qualified for. As any newly minted bachelor degree holder can tell you, resumes should have an objective at the top. Here's my objective: through this series, I hope to be able to discover for myself how exactly I can remedy that situation and give myself a shot at the glamour, the prestige, the money, and, in the end, the job. Really, though? Yeah, I would still like a job. But if you happen to laugh along the way, AWESOME. So, here's how it's gonna work: (1) I will attempt to stick with what I actually HAVE in my resume repertoire. Including:

skills
interests
associations
work experience
volunteer experience, etc.
Standard college/work BS we all include (emphases, honors, etc.)

(2) With #1 in mind, I must warn you that I just may, well... embellish a little bit. Let's face it, we all pad, or un-pad our resumes, as the case may be. So don't be surprised if some *cough cough* intriguing anomalies pop up. (3) I'm thinking of sending these resumes off to these employers and reporting on the results. Part of me (the Smart Part?) thinks it's a terrible idea; however, another part of me (the Fun Part?) just giggles and nods at the idea. We'll see who wins out. So, that's it in a nutshell. But, wait! THERE'S MORE!!! Here's what I need from you, dear Vogeler Nation: Job Suggestions. What would you like me to "qualify myself" for? Where can you envision a law-grad, English major? Where can you envision ME? I have my own ideas (including Sanitation, Red-Light, and Janitorial Work), but I'd like your input.

Local Sports

2009-07-09T12:00:00.000-06:00

It's time for my bi-yearly, local sports rant. PEDs Is anyone in the nation still unaware of what Performance Enhancing Drugs are? Are we all clear that they are a form of cheating? Are high school, college, and professional athletes desperate to get a step ahead, or are they just stupid? Recently, Manny Ramirez, arguably one of the best right-handed hitters ever, certainly of his generation, was suspended for 50 games for testing positive for a drug that only has two uses: (1) feminine pregnancy issues and (2) coming down from anabolic steroids. Wanna guess which one Manny was using it for? Sad. Way to crap on your legacy, Manny. Now I'm waiting for the list of local high school athletes to come out declaring them ineligible for PED use. What ever happened to playing for love of the game? BCS If you've been hiding under a rock, you wouldn't realize that the Senate recently held hearings on whether the Bowl Championship Series violates Federal Law in the form of the Sherman Antitrust Act. The thrust of the Act is to prevent monopolies from forming and businesses from engaging in anti-competition agreements (conspiring to fix prices, exclude future/potential competitors, etc.). There's enough to this that even the Wall Street Journal has picked up on it and questions whether the BCS is a legitimate operation or a pseudo-academic racket. For me, the issue at hand can be boiled down to one simple example of unfairness (the very type of example the Sherman act was intended to forbid and prevent): The Washington Huskies Football team, owners of the worst record in college football last year at 0-12 (with an ignominious loss to the BYU Cougars because of a last-second blocked extra point), made more money from the BCS than any teams outside of the Automatic Qualifying Conferences, including the recently hapless Fightin' Irish of Notre Dame. That includes The University of Utah Runnin' Utes, who not only went to a BCS Bowl Game, the Sugar, they beat their opponent, the oft-#1-ranked Alabama, handily. The game wasn't even close. Yet, for being the only undefeated team at the end of the season, the Utes not only received less money than the Huskies, they didn't even get to play for a championship. Something stinks in Indianapolis... Carlos Boozer That's a picture of Carlos Boozer playing typical defense. Recently, Carlos had the option to leave Utah and pursue "more lucrative" pastures. Not surprisingly, no one wanted to pay the narcissistic, crunch-time folding, bull fighter defending, turnover maestro more than the 12.5 million dollars he stands to make next year in a Jazz uniform. HEY!!! Carlos! Play some defense, and maybe we can win! You're generally the biggest, strongest guy on the court. Heck, you grew up in Alaska! Can't you just, you know, man up a little bit and earn the $30,000 dollars per hour that you're paid? Did I just write $30,000 an hour? Excuse me. I have to go vomit. ...and finally, a ray of sunshine: US Soccer I realize this isn't necessarily local sports news, but man, how cool was the Confederations Cup for US Soccer fans?! Even though I'm generally pretty ambivalent about soccer, especially in the U.S. Professional League--MLS, I ADORE international soccer matches, especially when they concern my teams: The United States, England, Norway, and Brasil. How cool was it then for the US to scoot out of the qualifying round (after losing twice and then getting in solely because they beat Egypt 3-0 and Brasil beat Italy 3-0 (nothing else would have let them in)) and then beat #1 ranked Spain 2-0 to reach the finals?! Very. Extremely. Sublimely. But then, to cap it all off, the Yanks had to go and blow a 2-0 lead to Brasil in the final. Moral victory? I guess. But man, how long can we ride on moral victories?

Pixar Update

2009-07-06T09:40:00.002-06:00

Well, here are the results of the recent Pixar Poll I had up for the last two weeks. Seems like people have their favorites and their not-so-favorites: 1. WALL*E With 21 votes (and a resounding 43% of the vote), WALL*E crushed the competition like so much Earth trash in his mini compacting system. Seems like the wacko liberal earth love agenda didn't scare many people off from the beauty and spectacle of this film. Way to go, everybody! 2. Monsters, Inc. With 13 votes (27% of the vote), Monsters, Inc. screamed past nearly everyone but WALL*E. This came as a pleasant surprise for me, especially as Monsters, Inc. was one of the "older" Pixar films. Just goes to show that graphics, color, and pizzazz can't outdo a good story and good characters. 3. Finding Nemo 11 votes ties Nemo with The Incredibles. This is one of the most beautifully rendered, fully realized movies I've ever seen. It's just a joy to watch. And Duuuuuuuuuuuuude, if there aren't some memorable characters in this one. 3. The Incredibles (Tie with Finding Nemo). Superheroes. That's enough for me to love almost any film (except for X-Men 3 and Catwoman...blech). Needless to say, this might be the best superhero movie ever made. But that would be handicapping this action-packed, emotionally honest, and brilliantly paced flick. Sometimes I wonder if I should put this on top of my personal list... 5. Ratatouille Tres Magnifique. Food doesn't even look this good on Iron Chef. Seriously. 5. Up Well chosen people. I was just delighted with this one. And rounding out the final spots: 7. Toy Story 8. Toy Story 2 9. A Bug's Life 10. Cars

ALS, Lou Gehrig, Michael Goldsmith, Heroes, America

2009-07-04T19:37:00.005-06:00

Happy Independence Day! I thought I'd share this with everyone. Below is a story on Michael Goldsmith, one of the great professors of law that this nation has been blessed with. A few years ago, Professor Goldsmith was diagnosed with ALS--more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's Disease, named for the famous baseball player who wore the pinstripes of the New York Yankees before being forced out of baseball as the disease began to ravage his body. I can't express how much I adore Professor Goldsmith, and how proud I am to have learned at his feet and watched him take this cause from a small seed of an idea to its culmination today. Please check out the MLB's new website dedicated to ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) here. And PLEASE watch the video below. It will explain everything.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Professor Goldsmith threw out the first pitch at the Yankees game today, July 4, 2009. The NYT did a fabulous piece on the event, here. It's the first time in my life I can honestly say I was a Yankee at heart. Professor Goldsmith, you are one of the greatest teachers I've ever had. Thank you for teaching me to be a "Can Do Person." I'll never be able to fully repay the favor, but I'll do my best to live up to your expectations. UPDATE: Here's an alternate version of the piece that appeared on the NBC Nightly News on July 4, 2009.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

You Too Can Make $4.41 a Month... From Your Own Home!!!

2009-07-01T12:45:00.004-06:00

Fed up with your cushy desk job, 40 hour work weeks, health and dental plans, and 401(k)s? Disgruntled Attorneys, lend me your ears! Over-educated Doctors, give heed! Stay-at-home moms, listen up! Little neighborhood kids who sell painted rocks on the corner, come hither... Sick of managing your own Multi-Level Marketing Scheme? Depressed with the duldrums of a full-time career and an honest day's work? Think you could do better in your jammies in front of your enormous home computer monitor? Well, here's your chance!!! Don't miss out on your opportunity to enroll in "ERIC VOGELER'S REVOLUTIONARY DOLLARS A MONTH FOR LITTLE OR NO WORK, I PROMISE IT WILL WORK, IT ALREADY WORKED FOR ME AND MANY, MANY OTHERS JUST SEND ME YOUR MONEY" program. With just a click of a few buttons, you too can sign up for Google's AdSense and make up to (and maybe even more than) $4.41 a month. I'll teach you how! Just forward me one low payment of $35.00--cash or money order only--and I will send you the secret to making this supplemental (and maybe even career-ending) monthly income, courtesy of Google and its advertising partners. How did I go from making a depressing dollars-an-hour income to this incredible dollars-a-month figure? Where did I get the gumption, the drive, the moxy to pull off this unbelievable, life-changing venture? Easy. Just point, click, and some other little variables that I'm happy to share with you at your expense, you too can enjoy the easy life that I am sure is about to come my way. It's fantastic, it's simple, and most importantly, it has bought me a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, two fries, and a Jr. Frosty. In one month! What other program can guarantee that?! Answer: None. So come on in, my friends. The water, and the money, is fine. Just look at the people who have already tried it!

The King is Dead...

2009-06-25T16:36:00.004-06:00

The LA Times and other sources have reported today that the King of Pop has passed on. He reportedly collapsed at his brother's house as the result of cardiac arrest and could not be revived at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. MoTown should ring out the bells tonight in remembrance of its once favored, then fallen son. Jackson was, in his prime, perhaps the most prolific entertainer of a generation. He had been rehearsing in Los Angeles in preparation for a series of comeback concerts scheduled for London in 2010. He was 50. What a sad story.

Barack Obama Saves the Day!

2009-06-22T17:28:00.000-06:00

Bless you, Jib Jab. You win again!

Following Up

2009-06-21T00:30:00.000-06:00

Please just go here. Yet another reason to love Pixar. http://www.ocregister.com/articles/pixar-up-movie-2468059-home-show

Loved "UP"

2009-06-19T23:43:00.003-06:00

Tonight, a beautiful young lady took me to see Disney Pixar's latest masterpiece: Up. UP should be definitive proof that Pixar really can do no wrong. With only a handful of central characters, little dialogue, and a small plot, Up still succeeds tremendously. Those few characters are eloquently and subtly crafted, evolving quickly, but believably throughout the film. The crotchety old Carl Fredericksen, the rapscallious (and hilarious) dogs, the "mailman" boy scout, and even the silent bird were all unfolded deftly and entertainingly. At one point, I couldn't help but cheer in my heart and shed a little tear for Zeus when Doug (the talking dog) showed up at the famous house doorstep and simply said "I hid under your porch because I love you." The little dialogue there is plays perfect counterpoint to the stunning, and often emotional imagery. I've never seen a silent montage more heartfelt and more winning than the 60 years of Mr. Fredericksen's tender marriage that Pixar unfolds in a masterful 45 seconds. The colors, shading, design, and choreography were what we've all come to expect from a Pixar film. Finally, the admittedly short plot played out beautifully with the simple nature of the film. I won't play the spoiler on this one, but suffice it to say that in the final moments of the movie, I was on the edge of my seat and even caught myself holding my breath. That's the sign of a great flick. While it wasn't quite on the grand, operatic scale of WALL*E or the decadent imagery and Parisian je ne sais quoi of Ratatouille, Up easily stands up there with The Incredibles and Toy Story 2. And those are two of my favorite movies. What a great night. Thanks, Erin!!! Below is my ranking of the 10 Pixar Movies to come out since Toy Story. Let me know what you think. 1. WALL*E 2. Ratatouille 3. The Incredibles (tie) 3. Up (tie) 5. Toy Story 2 6. Finding Nemo 7. Monster's Inc. 8. A Bug's Life 9. Toy Story 10. Cars On the sidebar, you can cast your vote for favorite. Feel free to stuff the ballot box!

HDTV: Blackouts and The Future of Gadgetry

2009-06-16T23:38:00.003-06:00

Well, last week we heard the death knell for ol' analog television. That technological stalwart that brought you Lucy and Ricky Ricardo, Mork & Mindy, and Homer and Marge Simpson. Only, television's not gone...it's just...better. For those who haven't seen HDTV and been able to compare it to analog, imagine getting a brand new pair of prescription glasses or comparing the North Star to the Sun. Yes. It's that startling. Sometimes, in the case of aging newscasters and television personalities, it can be unsettling. And on a few, rare occasions, it can be downright frightening. So this has me thinking "What's up next in technology?" Well, quite a lot it seems. Here are three future gadgets that are going to blow us away! 1. Robot Servants Hopefully, these robots will not rise up in revolution to bring about Armageddon, as has happened in just about every Science Fiction book since Asimov took up a pen and every Science Fiction movie since, well, ever. Actually, you can already find robotic servants gallivanting about high-tech homes as I write this: iRobot (wait, I thought I already saw that movie!) provides robots for both industrial/governmental use and for personal home use. Among its top sellers, iRobot boasts

While the iRobot line isn't exactly Terminator-esque in its dogged relentlessness or sheer killing capacity, I think with the advent of the floor washing, pooper scooper automoton we have to be prepared for the future! But before I go out and buy a bomb shelter (that may not be effective against the inevitable HumanKilla 1000 model from iRobot), I'm at least waiting until the robots that look human come around... 2. Lightsaber Toothbrushes And not the cheap plastic kind, either! Just go here. You won't regret it! Seriously. In the not-so-distant future, you'll be able to (safely) lightsaber your teeth clean. You read that right. This officially gives new meaning to using the force. In my geekboy brain, I can't help but hear Admiral Ackbar shouting "Your teeth can handle power of this magnitude..." Oh...just go visit the link already, OK?! 3. ThoughtMail The US Army has been experimenting with thought reading. It has even invested some serious money in developing a "thought helmet." In order to send commands wirelessly and soundlessly to other units. For real. I'm not making this up. Go here if you don't believe me. And check out the actual image below: This gadget brings up the inevitable domestic application of this military technology, and what I think will definitely be the wave of the future--ThoughtMail (TM). Trust me, this will be even more revolutionary than email, Gmail, facebook, Twitter, and the written word combined! Just think of the possibilities this kind of technology raises! You'll be able to instantly send chain emails to friends without having to spend all that time clicking "Forward" and "Send" separately; you can carelessly update your blase and sometimes embarrassing social network statuses without having to write a word; and you can foolishly send that strongly thought-through message to your boss that your brain conjured up. And this time, when he gets it, you don't have to use the "I wrote it just to blow off steam and never really intended to send it" excuse, you can actually just say "My brain made me do it." And it will be a legitimate excuse! Awesome. And with that, Future, to you I say, "!"

Under Construction

2009-06-15T02:38:00.000-06:00

I've been using the same template for about three years now. I've decided it's time for a change. However, with that, I've lost many blog links that I so cherish. Please comment so that I can get you linked back to me! Thanks! PS--The Ads are an experiment. Just to see. :D

Being a Big Guy Certainly Has its Advantages ... and its Disadvantages

2009-06-14T12:16:00.000-06:00

Now presenting COMFORT WIPE: The first improvement of toilet paper as we know it since the 1880s! It extends your reach a full 18 inches...while it follows the contours of your body and comfortably cleans! Just one question: Why on EARTH would you want to extend your wiping reach 18 inches?! This made my brothers and I giggle into the early hours. I'm thinking it's a must-have for any American family in this time of economic crisis.

Post Trip Thoughts

2009-06-12T10:30:00.000-06:00

Hey all. Well, I'm back from the Mother Land. Norway was beautiful, fun, and a bit nostalgic. Amazing to see where one's family came from. And just how much Norwegians eat. Holy Cow! Anyway, I've had many a thought since returning home. Here's a random smorgasbord: (a) Going on a foreign vacation where I look like everyone else is...different. Norway was blond-haired, blue-eyed. As my little brother, Tim, put it: "Who would have thought that there could be so many blond people outside of Utah County...and Sweden, of course?" It was almost strange to walk around the streets of Oslo or Bergen and not have people immediately recognize us as tourists. (Which reminds me, we could have worn fanny packs and no one would have given us a second thought. Oh, regrets, regrets). I'm used to being the only blond in a 500-mile radius. Not in Norway. In a way, it was refreshing--no one staring at you, muttering "American" or "Bush" under the breath as you stroled past. Refreshing, that is, until I realized that, unlike in South America and Western Europe, I don't speak the local language. Among the few bits of Norwegian that I learned from my Dad and my Grandma growing up, here's what I could say: "Takk for matten" -- Thanks for the food. "Vær så god" -- You're welcome. "Tusen takk for alt" -- A thousand thanks for everything. "Ja / Nei" -- Yes / No "Jeg forstår ikke" -- I don't understand. That's it. That's the sum of my Norsk. You can just imagine the stunning conversations I had with family and friends over there: Lovely cousin who has just cooked us a HUGE meal: "Wah wah wah wah food wah wah wah good wah wah eat." Me: "Thanks for the food. A thousand thanks. I don't understand. You're welcome. Yes. No." Thank goodness that most people learn English there! (b) Europeans think Americans are clinically obese, imperialistically minded zealots of the Bush Doctrine. In fact, people were surprised at how "skinny" our family was. And they kept giving us a hard time about the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. Like I can do something about it. It still strikes me as a bit hypocritical that Europeans, who for so many hundreds of years, were busy invading, sacking, pillaging, raiding, "colonizing," and imperializing each other, would point at us and say "How dare you, sir?" Not to justify an Imperialist Mindset, that is. Just to point out the vague stench of hypocrisy when I smell it. (c) The Bar Examination was invented either by Beelzebub as a trial run for the sixth circle of Hell, or by a bunch of ex-frat boy attorneys trying to make becoming an attorney as unpleasant as becoming a pledge. Seriously, what client is going to approach an attorney and say "Please, sir, I'd like to know the law of Torts in both Utah and the Common Law within the next 2 hours. Oh, and do be succinct. And, by the way, you don't get to research anthing. And I'll be grading you against the 400 other attorneys I'm testin...er...contacting." If I agreed to do that as an attorney, I could likely be sued for malpractice. But here, I have to do that very thing in order to certify to the state that I'm competent to practice? Isn't that like having a doctor perform surgery on a patient without allowing him to prep for it? Examiner: "Here you go, Doctor. This man's spleen just burst. Go ahead and fix him." Doctor: "Ummm .... I'm an anaesthesiologist." Standardized tests. What a joke. And not a funny one. (d) Mormons are odd folk. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/12/us/12coldcalls.html (e) "24" has renewed my interest in being a federal agent. If being a federal agent means I get to do the same stuff that Jack Bauer gets to in just the two days I've watched him, count me in. (This show is going to get its own post soon, FYI). (f) I miss John Stockton, Jeff Hornacek, and yes ... even Karl Malone. Do you remember when our Jazz used to lead the league in team defense? Or when we would perenially place one or two players on the first team All-NBA Defense? Or when we had players who were paid to hit shots and routinely hit them? Or when we had role players who were grateful and delighted just to have a role to play? Or when we had a chance, even though we never capitalized on that chance, to win it all? Yeah. Me, too. (g) Honey Smacks and Asparagus share an...interesting quality. 'Nuf said.

!!!Norge Tur!!!

2009-05-16T23:52:00.000-06:00

For the next two weeks, I'm in Norway with the family. I know. Lucky. :D In the meantime, if you want to track some of our travails or see pictures, check out my lovely sister's blog. This is the first time in her life that people can pronounce Kirsti's name correctly. Anyway, I'm sure this whole trip will provide me with lots of blog fodder. Life is good!

Zeus

2009-05-13T13:59:00.000-06:00

Ever since he was a puppy, Zeus was too big for his body. The tiny brown-eyed Siberian Husky pup had over-sized ears that made him look like some kind of furry radio antenna. And his moose-paws! Those paws were better suited to a horse than that little fuzz ball we brought home in the Summer of 1995. They were so big, poor Zeus would often trip over himself trying to hop onto curbs or come barreling at you when you visited his tiny personal kingdom: the backyard. Even with those giant paws in the way and ears that only served to drag up wind resistance, Zeus LOVED to run. He's a sled dog. That's what they do, I guess. We could take him on a 2-mile walk/run/pull, and he wouldn't get tired. If you took him to the park and let him off the leash, he would run around in circles, sniffing trees, snuffling smelly things, and nuzzling any neighbor kids. He would go and go and go and go and go ... until you made him stop. So let's just say when we let my sister "take him for a walk" wearing her roller blades, it was not a recipe for success. (She's OK, I promise, but the dives she had to take in order to stay out of traffic and below 20mph were probably hard on her knees). With all that bigness in mind, though, you should know that the biggest part of Zeus was always his heart. Zeus never learned how to bite or really growl. He was a mess when other meaner dogs came around. He just didn't have a mean bone in his body (unless a stranger came into the backyard...). Instead, his preferred weapon was his tongue. Zeus would lick your face, your hand, your shoes, your hair--whatever was conveniently in front of him. It was either his way of showing affection or his way of getting your attention so you could show him affection. Like everything else, that dog's heart was too big for him. This little story is probably the best example of why I love Zeus, and most dogs, as much as I do: When he was younger, my little brother, like many of us, played little league baseball. One summer day, he went out in the backyard to practice his swing with his metal bat. While taking cuts, he didn't notice that Zeus had loped along to come say hi. On a very hard backswing, my brother felt a thud and heard a crack followed instantly by a pained yelp. The bat hit Zeus full in the mouth, cracking several of his teeth. I don't even want to think about the kind of pain it caused. From what I hear, Zeus (understandably) didn't react well--lots of yelping, running in frantic circles, and confused looks. Worse, I'm certain that my brother didn't react well either. He was so upset by the whole thing--he'd just hurt his best buddy--that he started to cry. While my brother was crying in the backyard, as my Mom tells it, Zeus noticed. He perked up and immediately stopped yelping. Picking himself up, he trotted over to where my brother was kneeling. Zeus simply put his head in and began to nuzzle my brother, licking his face, grinning in his dog-way through a ruined mouth. Zeus was just a big, loveable, wonderful dog. He was happy, and he loved to run. At the end, he couldn't run anymore. He could hardly walk. He could move and eat, but that effort tired him out. Even in his weakened state, though, Zeus' heart was just the same big love. We all said goodbye in our own ways this last week. He licked my hand one last time. Today, Zeus became too big for his body for the last time. He's running again. And he's loving it.

On the Nevada Desert Wavelength

2009-05-12T20:12:00.000-06:00

I was driving back to Salt Lake City from Los Angeles last week when I hit that dreaded stretch of nothing just East and North of Las Vegas on I-15. Every time I make this trip, I'm reminded afresh why I just don't like this part of the country. It's dry; it's sandy; it's windy; it's deathy. So, in short, it's just four things I tend not to like all that much. So, here I am, driving at 12:00 am somewhere in the starched nowhere between Mesquite, NV and St. George, UT and in a moment of startling clarity realize I need to stay awake. It's probably not a good thing when you have to remind yourself that you need to stay awake when you're powering down the highway at freeway speeds. Needless to say, I took a swig of my Mtn. Dew, turned on the air conditioning, and pumped up the radio to sing along. Problem is, there is only one radio station that can broadcast all the way out into the starched nowhere: Las Vegas' own Hot KVEG 97.5. Blazin' Today's Hottest Music!!! Yep. You guessed it. In the middle of the desert, where water is scarce and the parched traveler must wend his drowsy way home, he gets graced with...Hip Hop. If you know me at all, you probably know that I really don't listen to Hip Hop much. At all. Really ever. But I needed to stay awake. It was my last alternative, I swear... and so for the next two hours or so, here's what I learned

When you're afraid of plunging off the road, you can hit some really impressive high notes.
Every time that Jay-Z speaks in rhythm and rhyme, you can't help but listen up and put your non-steering hand with your thumb, index, and middle fingers out wide, movin in sync with the music.
Rappers have some kind of preoccupation with champagne. Lots of it. Every song. Drinkin' it, pourin' it out, bathing in it, etc. Who knew?
Every gangsta who ever graced a rap album was some mother's baby boy or girl. Makes me wonder if Mrs. Dogg really named her baby boy Snoop, though...
Beethoven and Lil' Wayne would have been home boys. Yeeeeah. Tupac and Mozart, on the other hand, probably would have dueled with pistols held sideways for effect. (Speaking of Tupac and Mozart...you think they both faked early deaths to ensure their later success and legend? I wonder why no one's ever made this connection?)

I Just Geeked Out

2009-05-10T00:49:00.001-06:00

...to Boldly Go Where No One Has Gone Before. Saw it. 70mm of IMAX Glory. Loved it. Wanted to cry, wanted to cheer, wanted it to be longer. (Greatest compliment I can give a movie). Felt like I was driving home at warp speed on I-80. Debated string theory at the Pie afterward. All in all, got my geek on.

I am a Free Man: Thoughts of a 20-Something Juris Doctor

2009-05-07T18:04:00.000-06:00

Well, I know I announced it over a week ago, but this is still the biggest news in my life. Three years, 30 tear-streaked textbooks, a sedentary tummy, and a blown-out mind later, and I am now officially a Juris Doctor. Not that I can be called a doctor, mind you (unless I lived almost anywhere else in the world). But at least I've got that in my quiver of letters attached to my name. Better than BA, I suppose. After all that work and now the pomp and circumstance, I just wanted to share, as a newly christened attorney,* the five things I learned from law school. In no particular order: Lesson 1: Freedom is relative. Sure. You are free to spend your time as you like. In America, you even have certain freedoms, like speech, belief, and privacy. But, darn it, everything you do has a consequence. You didn't study hard enough for your exam? You were free to do it, but now you have to live with a cruddy score. You chose to study instead of spending time with your family? Shoot, the test was a success, but your kids/spouse/girlfriend/etc. have forgotten your name. We're free to live or not live our lives as we want. Greatest right on earth--liberty. But liberty can be a fickle lover. We have to be careful to watch ourselves in her presence. Lesson 2: Balance is relative. How many people did I hear say "You need to achieve balance in your life!" during law school. I totally agree with them. Balance is necessary for a sane mind. But how often do people confuse "balance" with doing other things--like being at home instead of working. Don't get me wrong--home time, family time, friend time, etc. That's mucho important. But, while I can physically be at home, how often are my heart and my head there with me? Is my brain wafting off to the office? Is my heart stuck somewhere else? Likewise, when I'm supposed to be working, are my thoughts there at the office/desk/assignment, or are they continually drifting off to light saber fights on Tatooine and strolls through the white city of Gondor, etc.? Balance is essential. But making my time, wherever it is, whole and dedicated and me ... that is even more important. Lesson 3: Genius is relative. I love my law school classmates. They are each brilliant individuals, and I'm sure so many of them are going to find tremendous success out there, within and even outside of the law. However, being in this environment, so stacked with booksmart people that have spent their entire lives easily racking up As and Gold Stars, I've learned that pure intelligence only goes so far. Intelligence is a tool that if not sharpened, and more importantly, if not used, can quickly dull and become no use to anyone. So what if I nailed a final exam? What does that prove? That I can memorize facts and rules, apply them mindlessly, and type faster than someone next to me? True genius, unlike pure intelligence, lies in creation. Taking the intelligence we've been blessed with and working with it, molding with it, creating...something. Anything. But genius requires work. And it requires dedication. Ultimately, true genius requires not just a head, but a heart and willing hands. I hope I graduated with 150 true geniuses. Now we get to go prove it. Lesson 4: Succes is relative. I did pretty well in law school. Grade-wise. I guess. But I'm much prouder of two other things: (1) the relationships I forged there: the people I touched and the people who touched me; and (2) the lessons I learned. I will always treasure those friendships I formed at BYU. I will always treasure those great lessons I learned, both in the law and in life. My grades will fade and will be replaced by other achievements (I hope). But the people...my friends and family...those will never fade. Lesson 5: Love is eternal. Where almost everything in this life seems to be relative--Freedom, Balance, Genius, Success--Love is not. It is elemental, it is concrete, it is everything. And if we're not motivated by it, inspired by it, or striving towards it, something grand is missing from our lives. Never thought I could include a post about love in memories from law school? The romantic in me is now utterly hopeless. ;) *subject to passing the Bar Exam in the relevant jurisdiction of my choice, of course.

UPDATES FORTHCOMING

2009-05-06T16:02:00.000-06:00

Hey, sorry I've been an absentee blogger. That will change tonight. Watch for new posts tonight and several over he next few days. I've got lots stored up and need to get them out now that I'm free from the shackles of law school. :D Hip, hip, Hooray!!!

And.............

2009-04-24T03:02:00.000-06:00

........ DONE! :D

...Pretty Much Sums it All Up

2009-04-18T02:04:00.001-06:00

Inspiring Moment of the Year

2009-04-13T16:07:00.000-06:00

I never thought I could get emotional watching anything like this. Go ahead. Try to not cry.

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T10:51:00.000-06:00

Thanks to the Greg Olsen Gallery for the use of this beautiful painting. May your Easter Sunday be filled with peace and joy and the love of your families. Below is an Easter talk given by President Gordon B. Hinckley in 1996. Even though it was given when I was 13, I still remember the power of his delivery, his conviction, and his faith.

"There is one grand key in this vast divine program, and that is the redemption of mankind by the Lord Jesus Christ. It is that of which I now wish to speak briefly. This is Easter morning. This is the Lord’s day, when we celebrate the greatest victory of all time, the victory over death. Those who hated Jesus thought they had put an end to Him forever when the cruel spikes pierced His quivering flesh and the cross was raised on Calvary. But this was the Son of God, with whose power they did not reckon. Through His death came the Resurrection and the assurance of eternal life. None of us can fully understand the pain He bore as He prayed in Gethsemane and subsequently hung in ignominy between two thieves while those who looked at Him taunted Him and said, “He saved others; himself he cannot save” (Matt. 27:42; Mark 15:31). With sorrow unspeakable those who loved Him placed His wounded, lifeless body in the new tomb of Joseph of Arimathea. Gone was hope from the lives of His Apostles, whom He had loved and taught. He to whom they had looked as Lord and Master had been crucified and His body laid in a sealed tomb. He had taught them of His eventual death and Resurrection, but they had not understood. Now they were forlorn and dejected. They must have wept and wondered as the great stone was rolled to seal the burial place. The Jewish Sabbath passed. Then came a new day, a day that ever after was to be the Lord’s day. In their sorrow Mary Magdalene and the other women came to the tomb. The stone was no longer in place. Curiously they looked inside. To their astonishment the tomb was empty. Distraught and fearful, Mary ran to Simon Peter and to the other disciple whom Jesus loved. She cried, “They have taken away the Lord out of the sepulchre, and we know not where they have laid him” (John 20:2). They came running, and their fears were confirmed. Disconsolate, they looked and then went:

Away again unto their own home. But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre, And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain. And they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him. And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus. Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away. Jesus saith unto her, Mary. She turned herself, and saith unto him, Rabboni; which is to say, Master. Jesus saith unto her, Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God (John 20:11–17).

She who had loved Him so much, she who had been healed by Him, was the first to whom He appeared. There followed others, even, as Paul declares, up to 500 brethren at one time (see 1 Cor. 15:16). Now the Apostles understood what He had tried to teach them. Thomas, on feeling of His wounds, declared, “My Lord and my God” (John 20:28). Can anyone doubt the veracity of that account? No event of history has been more certainly confirmed. There is the testimony of all who saw and felt and spoke with the risen Lord. He appeared on two continents in two hemispheres and taught the people before His final ascension. Two sacred volumes, two testaments speak of this most glorious of all events in all of human history. But these are only accounts, the faithless critic says. To which we reply that beyond these is the witness and the testimony, borne by the power of the Holy Ghost, of the truth and validity of this most remarkable event. Through the centuries untold numbers have paid with the sacrifice of their comforts, their fortunes, their very lives for the convictions they carried in their hearts of the reality of the risen, living Lord. And then comes the ringing testimony of the Prophet of this dispensation that in a wondrous theophany he saw and was spoken to by the Almighty Father and the Risen Son. That vision, glorious beyond description, became the wellspring of this The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, with all the keys, authority, and power found therein, and the sustaining comfort to be found in the testimony of its people. There is nothing more universal than death, and nothing brighter with hope and faith than the assurance of immortality. The abject sorrow that comes with death, the bereavement that follows the passing of a loved one are mitigated only by the certainty of the Resurrection of the Son of God that first Easter morning. What meaning would life have without the reality of immortality? Otherwise life would become only a dismal journey of “getting and spending,” only to end in utter and hopeless oblivion. “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?” (1 Cor. 15:55). The pain of death is swallowed up in the peace of eternal life. Of all the events of the chronicles of humanity, none is of such consequence as this. Contemplating the wonder of the Atonement wrought in behalf of all mankind, the Prophet Joseph Smith declared in words descriptive and beautiful:

Let the mountains shout for joy, and all ye valleys cry aloud; and all ye seas and dry lands tell the wonders of your Eternal King! And ye rivers, and brooks, and rills, flow down with gladness. Let the woods and all the trees of the field praise the Lord; and ye solid rocks weep for joy! And let the sun, moon, and the morning stars sing together, and let all the sons of God shout for joy! And let the eternal creations declare his name forever and ever! And again I say, how glorious is the voice we hear from heaven, proclaiming in our ears, glory, and salvation, and honor, and immortality, and eternal life; kingdoms, principalities, and powers!” (D&C 128:23).

Whenever the cold hand of death strikes, there shines through the gloom and the darkness of that hour the triumphant figure of the Lord Jesus Christ, He, the Son of God, who by his matchless and eternal power overcame death. He is the Redeemer of the world. He gave His life for each of us. He took it up again and became the firstfruits of them that slept. He, as King of Kings, stands triumphant above all other kings. He, as the Omnipotent One, stands above all rulers. He is our comfort, our only true comfort, when the dark shroud of earthly night closes about us as the spirit departs the human form. Towering above all mankind stands Jesus the Christ, the King of glory, the unblemished Messiah, the Lord Emmanuel. In the hour of deepest sorrow we draw hope and peace and certitude from the words of the angel that Easter morning, “He is not here: for he is risen, as he said” (Matt. 28:6). We draw strength from the words of Paul, “As in Adam all die, even so in Christ … all [are] made alive” (1 Cor. 15:22).

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me, Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me. I tremble to know that for me he was crucified, That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died. Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me Enough to die for me! Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me! (“I Stand All Amazed,” Hymns, no. 193)

He is our King, our Lord, our Master, the living Christ, who stands on the right hand of His Father. He lives! He lives, resplendent and wonderful, the living Son of the living God. Of this we bear solemn testimony this day of rejoicing, this Easter morning, when we commemorate the miracle of the empty tomb, in the name of Him who rose from the dead, even the Lord Jesus Christ, amen."

What does it all mean...

2009-04-10T21:03:00.000-06:00

...if you don't have what's really important? Feel free to comment on that one

Last Days

2009-04-08T15:33:00.001-06:00

No, not the apocalyptic, John the Revelator-type "Last Days." These are my last days at BYU Law. So, in short, here are some of my lasts from the J. Reub: ...Pizza. No more free noon-time activities that force me to sit through a discussion I didn't want to attend in order to get some cold, one-topping pizza slice that will not satisfy my hunger. On the other hand, that free pizza (or fill-in-the-blank semi-fast food) did keep me from starving during my first year. ...Class. No more hand-wringing, forced-attendance, quasi-Socratic sessions with Professors. Don't get me wrong, some of my classes have been TREMENDOUS. Most in fact. But I'm still reeling from that angst-ridden First Year. I still have nightmares about Civil Procedure... ...Fun with Friends in Carrels. This one makes me sad. Awfully sad sometimes. My friends and colleagues have been by far the best part of Law School. I will miss them terribly. ...Provo. This may be my last swansong with Provo. I LOVE the people I've met in Provo. I love some of the quirkisms ingrained in this place. But I'm ready to move on from it.... Speaking of this magic place...if Provo were my significant other, the tracklist on our mixed CD of love would look something like this: 1. Don't Stop Believing-- Journey (self-explanatory). 2. Anything you Can't do, I Can't do Either-- Honor Code 3. Hot n Cold-- Katy Perry (I have a love/hate relationship with this place. I can't tell you how many times I've broken up to make up with Utah County.) 4. My Life Would Suck Without You-- Kelly Clarkson (probably true) 5. Ice, Ice Baby-- Vanilla Ice/Queen/Witherspoon (the dramatic reading by Kyle Witherspoon will someday soon be available on iTunes. Catch the dream...) 6. Anything by Jericho Road 7. Take on Me-- A-Ha (I still routinely try to jump through walls into an animated dream land...that unfortunately still does not exist) 8. Stairway to Heaven-- Led Zeppelin (Otherwise known as the HWHLL stairs up to Carreltown) 9. Living on a Prayer-- Bon Jovi (best. karaoke. song. ever.) 10. Carreltown...er...Allentown-- Billy Joel (Law School was a lot like this song and music video. Minus the sweaty steel workers. And the showers. And Billy Joel. But you better believe we had the Pennsylvania attitude.) 11. Phantom of the Opera-- Andrew Lloyd Webber. ("The Phantom of the Law School is there...inside your mind" will always reverberate in the halls of my mental J. Reuben Clark). In all seriousness, I'm gonna miss this place. Time to hide out for finals!

Novel Ideas

2009-03-16T21:50:00.000-06:00

Hey all. Since the economy has degraded to the point of near-Depression, I'm now considering alternative careers. One of those ideas that's been percolating is that of novelist. Below are some of my ideas (some half-baked, all deadly serious). Let me know what you think... 1. The Blogger A novel loosely based on the John Grisham paradigm: young lawyer gets sucked into soulless void of law practice; young, heretofore innocent lawyer realizes soul is being sucked away; young, outrageously attractive lawyer finds redemption outside of the law by brilliantly beating the law at its own game in a way that would never happen in the real world; young, now-world-wise lawyer makes money/gets girl/goes free/wins salvation, etc. Only this time, make it a young blogger. With a pseudo-serious blog. And a murder mystery. With attractive people. And cool technology. And Knights Templar. Speaking of which... 2. Templar, Templar! The true story of the Knights Templar, as told through their flamboyant, flippant, and final leader, Steven of Suxley. In the days leading up to the massacre of Friday the 13th, Suxley hilariously manages to offend the collective political leaders of Western Europe and Pope Clement V. Suxley's tragic adventure must be read to be believed, but let us just say that the Knights Templar were perhaps the first military-slash-musical group to attempt a world-wide "sing-in for peace." 3. Bucking Around: A Bison Story After spending years with a migratory herd of bison near the Yellowstone Caldera, author Carlos Frederick's autobiographical sketch reveals a man who has accepted his inner buffalo and shed the mortal trappings of humanity. Through his oft-harrowing narrative, Frederick cautiously meanders from the herd's reluctance to accept him as one of their own (they were "just so damned sulky all the time. It was like living with Eeyore. Only this was a herd of Eeyores that couldn't moan about their misplaced tails.") to his misguided efforts to literally "throw off the homosapien and embrace the bull raging inside." NOTE to Readers: Do not literally embrace raging bull bison. Ever. Towards the end of his journey, Frederick's post-punk, Mowatian tendencies lead him to the inevitable face-off between his latent humanity and his inner buffalo. All this set against the backdrop of Frederick achingly losing himself in the "deep, moony eyes" of a cow bison he tenderly nicknames "Bedonka-Donk." Like all such deep-immersion animal biographies, Frederick learns more about his own humanity than that of the buffalo--"They said nothing when I left them; but I knew that day that they would chew grass with a little more passion, grunt with a touch more panache, and awesomely defecate with a flare I would never reach in this brief mortality. I knew not what it was to be human until I moseyed through the plains with ... the bison." Consider us a part of the herd.

Publisher's Daily Review.

4. BOOM, BOOM

Is it a tire-screeching, globe-trotting, page-turning thriller set in the Italian Alps, Northern China, and Antarctica, respectively... ...or is it a study in early childhood euphemisms for...ahem..."boom boom?" Why, it's BOTH! 5. My Big Fat Zombie Wedding This is my favorite cash-cow idea of the last five minutes or so. In it, I will simultaneously capitalize on: (1) Everyone's fascination with old horror-genre classes and turning tropes on their heads. My zombies, much like Stephenie Meyer's vegetarian vampires, will still desperately crave brains, but will heroically refrain from indulging in them. Unlike their "Night of the Living Dead" brethren who famously moaned "Brains," the clarion call of these high-class zombies will instead be a Shakespearean shout-out: "Stains." As in, "Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!" (2) The Wedding craze. Just check out Utah County's finest non-satirical(?) periodical: Square Magazine. (3) Satire. Loads and loads of unapologetic satire. If my generation was a mass of unthinking, crowd-following, quasi-neanderthals with only one desire, we would wander the streets with our arms outstretched groaning "Satire." That, or "facebook."

Mormons in the Media

2009-03-14T18:34:00.000-06:00

I don't know how to react to the HBO-"Big Love"-Temple Ceremony-drama. Granted, I haven't lost much sleep over it, but I find myself thinking about it today. Some of my peers and friends have already reacted very strongly--circling email chains, encouraging boycotts and sending strongly worded complaints to HBO en masse. They are not alone. For the Church's official reaction to Big Love's conflation of LDS theology and practice with some of the more unorthodox polygamous groups in the greater Intermountain West area, go here; and for how the Church encourages members to react, check this very interesting article. As for the actual depiction of the temple ceremony in Big Love, I haven't seen it. I don't know how extensive, detailed, or even potentially offensive it is. I think I can safely say that the whole thing doesn't quite pass the "smell" test, but I don't know exactly how to react. Yet. I'm sure I will develop a more full opinion in the coming days. However, in an effort to find the silver lining in every dark cloud (and fill up my yellow balloon even more), I have to look at this situation as another way to get my sometimes-obscure, oft-misunderstood faith out there in the public eye. I'm a firm believer in the marketplace of ideas, and as such, I view full, frank discussion of ideals--even religious ones--as a good thing. Putting pressure on ideas, questioning them, shedding light on them, can expose silly ideas--*cough, cough* the Snuggie...? *cough*--for what they are and reinforce and give support to the good ones. I love my faith. And I firmly believe that, after surviving decades of polarizing internal politics and scrutiny by heretics, skeptics, scholars, and even the US Government, that faith will survive the scrutiny of a mediocre fictional work on a pay-cable production. Obviously, misrepresentations, slander, and disrespectful portrayals of religious acts we as Latter-Day Saints hold eternally dear is done in bad taste. But if this Big Love episode does one thing, it gets the discussion ball rolling. And that can hardly be bad. One good fruit of this whole hullabaloo? Below you can watch a short clip produced by the LDS Church in order to better explain why our temples are so dear to us, and ultimately why Big Love's portrayal of what goes on in them could understandably offend.

A Google Tragedy

2009-02-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

I have googled myself. Face it, we all google ourselves. It's become a basic part of our semi-voyeuristic society. However, my latest googling ended in sadness. I will now relate that terrible experience to you. In a loose form of hyperlink iambic pentameter. You can follow my trail, and if you dare, Delve into the depths of dark and despair. There are two "Eric V.s" for us to see, One is a winner; and one isn't me. The other, you'll note, is a jolly bloke From the suburbs of the Sunflower State. As a Melvern man, he needn't have joked That he lived the small town life, and first rate. While the googler himself was in Law School, Other Vogeler was hocked up to his upsy. He owed creditors cash, banks thought him a fool So he filed Chapter Seven Bankruptcy. Then I swear it true, this man saved his face, Won grace...and the Kansas Super Lotto!!! What a miracle! A doppelganger Success nonpareil. He won it...but...wait... Before Eric Vogeler could think to blink, The vicious attorneys pounced, and he sank. The court took his cash, his winnings, his pride. And now, the google excitement, has died. I sit softly now, behind the wide screen And wonder how this just isn't right. To google is fun, but what does it mean When you lose out, in Law School or life?

Best. Tuesday. Ever.

2009-02-25T21:59:00.001-07:00

I don't know if it was the sunshine... I don't know if it was the sixty five degrees... I don't know if it was the surprise in my carrel... I don't know if it was the invigorating Moot Court the night before... I don't know if it was the aftereffects of giving blood Monday afternoon... I don't know if it was just a terrific Tuesday...

...but I loved my trip to the DMV, yesterday. ...For my Motor Vehicle Record. ...For Bar Application purposes. ...On a busy day. ...With cranky people all around. ...In Orem.

Spring is a miracle. :D

A Little Yellow Balloon

2009-02-18T13:32:00.000-07:00

I went to the Law School yesterday. This isn't usually something to report about, but I'm supposed to be on break. "Spring Break" in February. Sigh... Anyway, on my way into the building, I noticed a little yellow balloon, half-deflated, hanging off a tree branch near the back entrance of the school. And I thought "How like that balloon are so many dreams that enter here." And I thought "That's a sad thought." And I swore right then that my balloon will be inflated by the time I leave this place-- I'm not getting stuck on a tree branch.